


Whole

by Marish_06



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Pregnancy, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-15
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-05 06:28:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marish_06/pseuds/Marish_06
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From picking up the pieces and glueing them back together Olivia starts a new life for herself and works on becoming Whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first non E/O story, though it contains plenty of EO drama. Thank you for reading.

Chapter 1-Shattered

She steps out of the reception hall and the bitter wind whips around her legs and stings her face, causing her tears to finally fall. Her tears are not from the cold. She quickly hails a cab for fear that her absence will be discovered and they will force her to go back in. They will tell her she is being a coward and that she is better than this and she will believe them, and go back in. She will watch him dance with his wife, and the pain of realizing, once again, that she wasn’t good enough for him will tear her apart.

So, she decides to be a coward, because she doesn’t want to be brave and strong. She doesn’t want to be an adult about this. She wants the cold, dark isolation of her apartment. She wants to cry until the pain goes away. She wants to escape it all.  
She wants to run.

She decides to run.

From the rejection.

From the pain.

From the love she’s afraid she will never know again. Well, the love she thought she knew.

The cab arrives at her apartment and she quickly pays him before heading upstairs to the solitude of her apartment; tonight it is her sanctuary. She kicks off her heels and turns off her phone, then makes the rounds around her apartment, unplugging her phones. She’s off duty, and frankly she could care less about the job right now, she could use a night to herself. Cragen knows this. He understands the situation, and after seven years of dedicated service she believes she’s entitled to this one night alone. She finally settles on her couch and cries. She succumbs to the pain that has been resonating inside her heart for months, but seems so much longer, and cries.

She is beyond broken, she has been shattered. Even if she were to find a way to glue the pieces of herself back together, which she knows she will eventually do, she will never be the same. Like a mirror that has been pieced back together, the cracks will still remain. She finally admits it to herself, that no matter what changes she makes in her life, she will forever have the scars of a broken heart. And so, more tears come. They rain and pour down her face, and attempt to wash away that which can only be healed with time. If ever at all.

For the first time since it all happened she allows herself to go over everything.

That weekend.

She remembers feeling like the only girl in the world. She remembers him telling her that she was beautiful, and being surprised by his confession. She remembers their first kiss. The feel of his scruff against her face. His smooth skin under her hands. His lips against hers. His tongue in her mouth. She remembers being afraid and him telling her that he needed her. She remembers brushing away her fears and making love to him. She remembers him asking her to let him be her heart. And letting him. She remembers admitting her feelings to him after he asked her to make him stronger.

She will always regret the fact that she made him strong enough to leave her and return to his wife.

She will never forget that he told her he loved her.

She thinks that it’s funny, because he asked to be her heart, but she’s pretty sure her heart’s broken and he is not. She’s pretty sure he will make love to his wife tonight, and all thoughts of her will leave his mind.

He will never leave hers.

Great sobs rack her body and attempt to choke her until she finds herself rushing to the bathroom and emptying the meager dinner she had at the reception into the toilet. She flushes the chunks of rice pilaf and rosemary herbed chicken down the toilet. She rinses her mouth then sits on the cold bathroom floor and continues to reminisce. For the past three months she’s been so wrapped up in him, and the pain of losing his love. She wonders if she ever really had it at all. She carries on with her job day to day, monotonously going through the motions like a robot on autopilot. She realizes she’s forgotten her life and who she is. She has forgotten herself. She looks around her apartment and sees that every room is a mess. There is dust all over her living room. Mold on the plates in her sink. Her laundry is over flowing, and she can’t even remember the last time she made her bed. Today was the first time she shaved her legs and she can’t even remember the last time she got her-

She rushes to the calendar hanging on her bathroom wall and realizes that the red dots seem to be misplaced. She flips through and counts back over and over in her head and tries desperately to remember the last time she got her period. She quickly grabs the extra pregnancy test from under the sink and begins going through the motions. She had bought them when she had realized they had gone unprotected. She had secretly hoped that there would be a piece of him that she would forever get to hold and love and claim as her own. A little someone that would forever love her and remind her of the love and happiness she felt during those three little days. Those dreams had been crushed when the previous tests had quickly come up negative; this one appears to be their opposite as she stares down at the plus sign. She pulls out the second test stick from the box and quickly takes the second test.

Positive.

She sinks to the floor as more tears trickle down her flushed cheeks, completely at a loss. She wonders what the large amounts of alcohol she had used to drown out her sorrow has done to this child. She wonders if she should keep it. If its too late not to. Yes, she did want a child, his child, but how was this supposed to work when he has already remarried and moved on with his former ex-wife? What kind of life could she give this child without him as its father? She wonders if she should tell him, then quickly decides not to. She walks into her bedroom and gazes at herself in the mirror. She lifts her blouse and touches her stomach, hardened to protect the life within. Her other hand joins its partner and she decides that this life is hers. It is the only good that has come from their union and she decides that if a baby really is growing inside her then it is hers and hers alone, and she will fight like hell to keep it that way.  
*  
For the third time Elliot’s phone call goes directly to voicemail and he sighs. Her words still ring in his head.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“Because I still love you.”

It was never his intention for her to get hurt. He did love her that night, and he still does. But sadly, it was only after sleeping with her that he realized that he didn’t love her as much as he loved his wife. His family. He needed them back in his life more than he needed her love. She had made him strong enough to put aside his pride and beg for his life back, but he knows she will never understand.

He hears his wife in the bathroom and quickly turns off his phone and places it on the table beside him. As his wife emerges in a long silk ivory nightgown, he prays that one day Olivia will forgive him, and then he makes love to his wife.


	2. Observations

Chapter 2-Observations

He watches her. He can’t help it, he’s drawn to her. He always has been. For some reason, now, more than ever. He likes to think that there is some reason why they were brought together. Like it was a part of some grand design for cosmic balance that they were to be together in some way or form. Otherwise, everything would fall out of alignment and the world would implode. Them being together… It was bound to happen at some point. 

As he watches her, he finds that something is different about her. He can’t quite put his finger on it. But he knows something is different. He knows her far too well and for far too long now not to notice when something is off.

She’s distant, and cold. In the beginning, after that weekend, she had been normal. Things with them had changed slightly. They had become awkward and uncomfortable around each other, he’s still not sure why, although he understands it. He just figured their relationship was strong enough to handle everything. He guesses now that he was wrong. They still worked together as if nothing had happened. Did their best to pretend nothing had changed. That there was no tension or awkwardness. That everything was the same even though it was painfully obvious that it wasn’t. 

Back then he was the one who had been distant. He knew she didn’t understand. That maybe she thought she had done something wrong. He didn’t know what to tell her, but he also didn’t want to lead her on. He had made the decision to go back to his wife and she had accepted him back, but he didn’t know how to tell Olivia. He didn’t know what to say to her to make everything better. He didn’t want to hurt her. It was never his intention. The best he could do was pretend it never happened. He never kissed her. He never told her he loved her. He never made love to her. None of it. None of it ever happened, and nothing had ever changed, even though it was so clear that it had.

Nowadays things between them are strained at best. Everyday her anger seems to vibrate off her in waves. He understands, really he does, but he also hoped that his decision to go back to his wife wouldn’t have affected their partnership this way. He hoped she would have been a bit more understanding. Just as well as he knew her, is just as well she knew him. She knew his struggles. She knew how much he had been hurting over the past year without his wife. His family. She knew how much his family meant to him and how much he wanted them back in his life. To be back in their lives as a father and a husband. So why couldn’t she understand and accept his decision to go back to Kathy? It was never about hurting or rejecting her. It was about his family.

He guesses this is why there exists a department policy against fraternization, because while their desks are still connected, they are definitely not. He hasn’t worked a case with her in months. After his wedding they had worked together for about a month, but then slowly she had started working with Munch or Fin or alone. She won’t go out with him for lunch or eat anything he brings back for her. The donut he brought her this morning still sits on the side of her desk. Along with the coffee from yesterday morning. Yesterday she had claimed that she was too busy to go to lunch with him and then accepted an invitation from Fin not five minutes later. She had opted out of going for drinks with the guys once he had been invited. Came up with some bullshit excuse he doesn’t remember. She always has plans anytime he wants to do something with her. He knows she’s always lying.

Things between them have changed.

She has changed.

Now that he thinks about it, her appetite has changed as well. She no longer eats the things she used to. In fact, she eats more like him. Burgers, steak bombs, anything with red meat. She had always been a grilled chicken Caesar and turkey sandwich kind of gal.

Kathy arrives for their weekly lunch. Something they’ve been doing to help strengthen their relationship.

“Olivia,” Kathy greets the younger woman.

“Kathy,” Olivia responds in kind before turning back to her work.

“Hey Kath let me finish up here real quick. I’ll meet you outside,” Elliot tells his wife.

“Sure thing,” Kathy agrees. She places a small peck on his cheek then disappears out of the bullpen. Elliot stands and heads over to Olivia. He perches lightly and talks softly so that only she can hear.

“Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

“No. Thank. You,” she responds in a monotone voice. Her eyes never waver from the monitor before her.

“How long are we going to do this, Liv?”

She doesn’t respond.

“You know I-”

“I think your wife is waiting for you downstairs.”

She stares at him with cold eyes and he gets the point and leaves her alone. He returns with lunch for her and places it on her desk when he realizes she’s gone. When she returns later that afternoon she tosses the tacos he brought back for her in the trash without even looking at it. Along with his donut. He’s not sure how much of this he can take, but he knows he has to be patient with her, otherwise he will never get his partner back. He knows he’s the one that fucked up so he knows he’s the one that has to wait for her forgiveness. She has to forgive him. She can’t stay mad at him forever. Can she? He’s known Olivia to hold a grudge, but with him its always been different. That has to be the one thing that hasn’t changed. 

Unless…It already has.

Days turn into weeks and he’s noticed that her style has changed. She’s gone back to sweaters.   
Yes the weather is a bit chilly, but she hasn’t worn sweaters in years. When she’s not in sweaters, she’s in large flowy shirts that don’t compliment her body in any way shape or form, and for all the years he’s known her (except for that first one), she has always liked her clothes form fitted yet professional. 

Something isn’t right.

He watches her walk in and he doesn’t try to hide the fact that he is staring. He watches closely as she removes her coat and stores her purse, and as he continues to stare it suddenly it dawns on him. He pieces together all the clues he has to complete the puzzle and his mouth falls open in surprise and with realization.

Olivia is Pregnant.


	3. All Out

Chapter 3-All Out

Before she can sit down in her chair he is up and out of his. He wraps his fingers around her arm in a vice grip and he wordlessly drags her upstairs and into the crib.

“The hell, Elliot,” she says and shrugs off his death grip.

“How far along are you?” he asks.

She immediately averts her gaze. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The hell you don’t. How long did you think you were going to be able to hide the fact that you’re pregnant from me?!”

“Obviously not very long. Loo-”

“When are you due? When is your next OB appointment??” he asks and rests his hands on his hips as he begins to pace.

“Why does it matter?”

He freezes in his steps. “Why does it matter? Why does it matter??? You’re pregnant with my kid!!!!

“Keep your voice down! I don’t want the whole squad to know my business.”

He takes a deep breath to calm his temper. “Olivia, I’m going to be in that kid’s life whether you like it or not.”

She stares at him brazenly. “Who says it’s yours?”

The tension inside him suddenly dies and he stares at her, at a loss for words. He’s never considered the possibility that the baby may not be his. He suddenly finds himself at a loss. He’s unsure how to feel about all this. He knows he should feel some form of relief, but what he feels instead is sadness and disappointment. Confusion. An overwhelming need to prove her wrong. “But we-”

“The reason why I didn’t tell you is because it was none of your business. What I do in my personal life is none of your business. Now you can go back to your wife and your new happy life, and get the hell out of mine.” She turns on her heels and heads back down stairs, leaving him standing there utterly speechless.

*

She had slipped out while he was out interviewing a suspect. He hadn’t seen her for the next five days after that. Cragen had spouted some bullshit about her taking some personal time and he had spent the next four nights camped outside her apartment building, waiting for her to return. Tonight seems to be his lucky night as he watches her step out of a yellow cab dragging a small suitcase behind her.

Olivia steps into her apartment and locks the door behind her once it is closed. She walks around and turns on the lights, illuminating the various rooms and casting away their darkness. She runs her hand down her face as she tries to swipe away the exhaustion that seems to take have taken over her body. All she wants right now is a hot shower and her bed, but the knock on the door seems to put a small delay in her plans. She heads over to the door and takes her sweet time getting there as the knocking continues incessantly. She knows it’s him. Only he would have the audacity to knock on a pregnant woman’s door at-she glances at the clock on the stove-10:23 PM. She opens the door and he barges in, brushing past her and nearly knocking her over.

“Please, Elliot, come in,” she dead pans.

“I’ve been trying to reach you for the past five days. Where have you been?”

“Trying to get some time away from you.”

“We need to discuss this.”

“There is nothing to discuss. This baby isn’t yours!”

“The hell it isn’t. I know you, Olivia, and I know that baby is mine.”

She stares at him and cocks her head to the side with an amused smirk on her face. “Why does this mean so much to you? I mean it couldn’t be more perfect. I’m pregnant, with another man’s baby. Proving I’ve moved on. You get to continue on in your ‘happy’,” she uses air quotes, “marriage without any worries of having an illegitimate child, and still you insist that this is your baby. Why? Why are you trying so hard to hold onto and claim something that clearly isn’t yours? Is there something here that I’m missing? Why do you want this so bad?”

“Because I know! I know that baby is mine!!!” he yells and points at her stomach. He removes his long trench coat and tosses it over the arm of her couch.

“How? How do you know?”

“Because I know, damn it! I don’t understand why you’re acting like this. What happened between me and you is between me and you and it’s in the past now. It shouldn’t affect this kid’s life.”

“And it won’t, because I won’t let you hurt this baby the way you hurt me.”

“Olivia, I never meant to-”

“Never meant to? Then what the hell did you intend to do? What the hell did you expect would happen after that weekend? Did you really think that after everything we did and said to each other I would just be ok with you moving on and not even having the courtesy to tell me or talk to me about it?”

“What the hell did you expect? I never made you any promises.”

She is floored.

“Never made me any promises?!?! Are you kidding me? ‘Let me be your heart.’ Do you remember those words? How could you ask to be my heart when you were planning on walking away? I asked you, begged you to let things go, and you just. Kept. Pushing!” Her heart is racing now, and her breathing is labored.

“You act like I forced you or something and I’m so. Sick. and tired of being the bad guy in all this. You’re an adult and you knew what you were getting into. We both knew what we were doing that weekend. I didn’t rape you, Olivia. No one forced you to open your legs!”

She can’t believe the words that just came out of his mouth. She ignores the cramping in her lower abdomen and her accelerated heart rate. “Are you kidding me?!?! You made me believe that you wanted me. You told me you loved me so that you could get what you wanted. And like an idiot, I believed you and gave you what you wanted because I thought better of you. Because I loved you, and I thought…that you loved me. Clearly, I was wrong, because all you wanted was to fuck the partner that everyone in the precinct wanted. You think I don’t hear the lewd comments they make behind my back?” She inches closer to him. “Fucking me would build back your damn ego and that’s all you ever wanted. To prove you were man enough to get the pretty detective into bed.”

“You’re pretty full of yourself, you know.”

She takes in a deep breath and shakes her head. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. “You know what? I’m done here. Get out. Get the fuck out of my apartment.” She walks away from him and takes a seat around her dining room table and focuses on taking deep breaths.

He follows behind her. “No. I’m not leaving until you stop lying to me and admit to me that that baby is mine.”

“It isn’t-”

“I swear, Olivia, if you lie to me one more goddamn time I-”

“You’ll what?” She accuses and stares at him with cold eyes.

She’s called his bluff.

He averts his gaze as he tries to come up with a decent comeback. “I will… I don’t know what I’ll do, but you better believe I’m not going to let this go until a paternity test proves me wrong. Because I know in my heart that that kid is mine.”

“Look, I’m tired of arguing with you. Just go.”

“I’m not leaving until you admit to me-”

“What? There’s nothing to admit. You just want me to tell you what you want to hear.”

“OLIVIA!!!!”

An iron fist twists in her gut. “Fine! The baby is yours. Now leave. Just get the fuck out of here.”

Satisfied that he’s received the answer he wanted he walks back over and picks up his coat. “This isn’t over. I’m not going-” He spins around to look at her and he notices that her breathing is labored, her skin paler than when he came in. “Liv, you ok?”

“I’m fine. Just…”she grits her teeth and her hand clenches the fabric that surrounds her abdomen. “Go,” she grinds out.

He’s on his knees by her side in seconds. “Liv, what’s wrong? Are you having contractions?”

She turns cold angry eyes towards him. “What part of get the fuck out don’t you understand? Just go,” her voice cracks and her eyes burn with tears.

“Olivia if something is wrong with the baby you’ve got to let me know. You have to let me help you. Despite everything that’s going on between us now I still care about you and this baby, ” he says and stares at her with blue eyes that are so sincere that she almost believes him. “You can’t let this baby suffer because you’re mad at me.”

He’s right. She can’t allow her pride to keep her from saving this baby’s life. She needs this child more than she needs her hatred of him. More than her next breath.

This baby is all she has left.

She sighs. “Get me to a hospital.”


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4-Fall

She places her hand in his and allows him to help her up. Once she is standing an iron fist twists in her gut. She cries out loud and her knees buckle, but he wraps his arms around her and catches her before she falls. He links his fingers with hers and together they make their way down to the car.  


He speeds through the city towards the closest hospital. He has his siren on, and thinks that he is making good time. He offers her his hand as a comfort but she refuses to touch him. He catches a glimpse of her and notices her staring at him intently. He sees something in her eyes that he’s never seen before. Or at least never aimed at him before. He thinks he knows the emotion he sees swimming in her eyes, but he can’t quite put his finger on it. At least not until he asks her how she’s doing and she whispers back “I hate you” between gasped breaths and he knows she means it. The rest of the car ride is silent save for her heavy breathing and her occasional groan. He arrives at the hospital in no time and calls for help as he jogs around to the passenger side of the car. She pushes him away from her when he tries to help her, “Don’t touch me,” she growls and instead falls into the awaiting arms of the orderlies. They place her on a gurney and wheel her into one of the trauma rooms. He tries to follow, but a nurse asks him to remain outside. He watches her whisper something into a nurse’s ear as she disappears behind the large double doors and he’s left wondering what she’s said.

*

She steps off the elevator and walks aimlessly through the hallway. She does not know or understand why he’s here in the first place. She expected the floor to be overflowing with men in blue but it remains suspiciously empty. And then she sees him. He is hunched over in his seat, his hands covering part of his face as if he is deep in prayer.

“Elliot,” she calls, slightly confused.

He looks up and sees her. “Kathy,” he sighs and she is in his arms within seconds.

“What are you doing here? What happened?” she asks as she feels his chest, searching for bandages or a bullet hole, checking to make sure that he is truly ok.

“I’m ok Kathy. I need to talk to you about something,” he says and pulls her to sit beside him.

“What? Elliot, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

“It’s Olivia.”

“What happened to her. Is she hurt?”

“She’s pregnant,” he says and watches as dread fills her soul. 

“Is it?”

“It’s mine…at least I think it is.”

“You think?”

“She says its not, but I know.”

“Well Elliot…maybe-”

“Maybe nothing. I know it’s mine.”

“But it could be- I mean if she said.”

“She was lying, I know she was…” he says, and it sounds as if he’s trying to convince himself more than anybody else. 

“Why do you want this so bad?” she asks, confused as to why her husband would want another woman to be carrying his child, especially when that is her privilege as his wife.

“Want what? Kathy, I can’t ignore what I feel,” he places her hand over the left side of his chest. “Deep in my heart I know this baby is mine.”

Kathy nods in understanding though she is still uncertain about this whole situation. “Have you seen her?”

“I can’t. She put the nurses on alert. I’m not allowed anywhere near her.”

“Has anyone come out to at least talk to you?”

“Yea, when we were in the ER I overheard them saying she went into preterm labor. They said they were trying to figure out what drugs to give her to stop the contractions. Weighing the risks and such.” 

“Ok. I’ll go-”

“This is all my fault,” he says and hangs his head in guilt. 

“Elliot. This isn’t your fault. Women go into pre-term labor all the time.”

“We were fighting and I…”

She stares at him in shock. “You didn’t hit her did you?”

He looks at her in disbelief. Astounded at the fact that she would think such a thing about him. “No, of course not. You really think I’d hit a woman?”

“No!” she shakes her head adamantly. “I’m just trying to figure out why you feel so guilty over all this.”

“I just kept pushing her to tell me the truth, and the things I said to her…” He shakes his head. “I did this. She’s here because of me. I stressed her out and got her all riled up when she needed to rest. She should have been resting and I was there pushing her to tell me what I wanted to hear and upsetting her in the process. I didn’t even care,” he reflects to himself.

“I’m pretty sure she said some pretty nasty things to you too.”

“Yea, but does that make it right? I mean she’s pregnant for God’s sake! I could have been responsible for killing my own child because of my own selfish need to hear what I want.”

“Elliot, this is not your fault. Look, I’m going to go get you some coffee and we’ll sit and wait for the doctor to update us together ok?...Elliot?” she questions when he doesn’t answer right away. He seems to be lost within his own guilt and self-loathing. “El?” she tries again.

“Ok,” he answers absentmindedly.

She stands and kisses the top of his head before heading on her way.

*

She makes a small detour on her way to getting the coffee. She heads to the nurses station, making sure to stay out of Elliot’s line of sight, and smiles sweetly at one of the nurses.

“Hi, I’m looking for Olivia Benson.”

“I’m sorry. Visiting hours are over.”

“I know, but she’s my sister, and they just called me. I came as soon as I could.” 

“There was no mention of a sister. Why don’t you just head on in. I’m sure she’d like to see you. Room 402.”

“Thanks,” Kathy smiles and hurries and sneaks into the room.

She glances around and takes in her surroundings. Olivia lays with her back to the door. Kathy walks over so she can see her more clearly in her darkened surroundings. An IV hangs on one side of her and a fetal heart monitor sits on her other side. Kathy picks up the other woman’s chart and quickly scans through it. She has spent years trying to decipher doctors’ chicken scratch handwriting, but this one seems to take the cake, and with the limited light coming in from the window in the door, there is very little she can make out.

Olivia Q. Benson

36

Nifedipine?

20 weeks.

Kathy lets out a ragged sigh. Her worst fear now confirmed.

“What are you doing here?”

Kathy startles at the sound of the Olivia’s voice, causing her to drop the chart she holds in her hands. “Olivia,” she says and notices the oxygen cannula on the younger woman’s face.

“I think you should go,” Olivia says before rolling back over.

She picks up the chart and hangs it back on the end of Olivia’s bed. “I just came to see how you’re doing.”

“Well, now you know. Please leave.”

“Is it his?” she asks timidly.

“I think you already know the answer to that question.”

“Let him be a part of this. We’ll all work this out, and everything will be ok.”

“I engaged in a twenty minute conversation with him and wound up in the hospital. I’m not letting him anywhere near me or this baby.”

“Olivia don’t do this to him or your baby.”

“Why do you care?”

“Because he’s my husband, and not being in this child’s life will hurt him. And he’ll obsess over it, and it’ll ruin our marriage,” she admits then inwardly chastises herself for revealing her newfound insecurity. She never meant to be so vulnerable with her. 

“I guess that’s just something you guys are going to have to learn to deal with.”

“Damn it, Olivia!” Kathy shouts, angered by the other woman’s nonchalance. This was her marriage they were talking about. She couldn’t lose him again. It wasn’t until after he was gone that she realized how much she loved him and missed him. It was the little things. The way he held her at night. His soft snore. How he would sneak up and hug her from behind. Slow dancing with her when no music could be heard. The look on his face when one of their girls had a new boyfriend. The amused look on his face that he could never hide when it came to their son’s wild antics, no matter how wrong they were. Making out with her in public just to embarrass or gross out their kids. Making love to her like she was the only woman in the world. 

When he came to her asking for forgiveness and another chance she knew she never wanted to let him go again. She and Elliot had been working hard to fix things ever since, she wasn’t sure if marriage counseling and weekly lunches were going to be able to help them work through this. “You know he’s going to do anything and everything to be in that baby’s life. If this is what you were planning on doing all along, why did you even bother in telling him? Why did you bother in even keeping it?” She asks as she tries desperately to keep her emotions in check, but this her husband they were talking about here. This her family, her everything, her life!

Olivia turns to look at her with incredulity in her eyes. “So I was supposed to abort my child, to save your marriage? Are you kidding me?”

“I didn’t-I didn’t mean it that way. I’m sorry,” she says as she tries to blink back her tears. Please,” she begs.

“Forgive me, but Elliot’s feelings and your marriage are not very high on my list of priorities right now. But don’t worry, soon you won’t have to deal with any of this.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I think you should go.”

“What the hell does that mean?!”

“Kathy, I’m not supposed to get upset and I’m getting upset. Go now before I call the nurse and have her escort you out. And then Elliot will know you were in here and I’m pretty sure he won’t be too happy about that.”

“What makes you think Elliot doesn’t already know I’m here?” she tries brazenly.

“Because we both know I know him just as well as you do. Maybe even more. And he would try to sneak in here himself before he would send you.” 

Kathy nods, silenced by what she knows is the truth. “Just…think about it.” She leaves the room going back the way she came, and to get her husband his promised cup of coffee.

*

A couple days later Elliot knocks on the door to Olivia’s apartment. He hadn’t been able to see her the whole time she was in the hospital. The nurses had remained on alert, but Cragen had informed him that she had been released that day. He had chewed him out first for arguing with her in the first place and he’s pretty sure the entire precinct now knows his predicament. He hears soft shuffling and the locks clicking in her door. He is surprised when he finds himself face to face with Casey Novak.

“Casey, is Olivia?”

“She’s resting, Elliot. The doctor told her she really needs to take it easy.”

“I understand, but can I just see her. Just see with my own eyes that she’s ok? I promise not to wake her or upset her, I just need to see her.”

Casey stands and sighs at her current predicament. Caught between two friends. But while her loyalty is to Olivia she does feel Elliot’s pain. “Make it quick. And I swear if you wake her-”

“I won’t. I promise,” he says as Casey lets him into the apartment. “Where is she?”

“Her bedroom.”

He goes into her room and finds her sleeping softly on one side of her bed. Her room is illuminated by one of the small lamps on one the side of the bed. He quietly walks over to where she sleeps, careful not to make any noise as he walks. He falls to his knees on her carpeted floor in front of her and stares at her sleep softened face. She is simply beautiful. He pulls her covers down enough to expose her abdomen and touches her lightly and feels his unborn child move within. He places a kiss on her stomach, whispers, “I love you,” and then places another kiss on her forehead before he leaves.  


Once she hears her door close behind him, she finally allows her tears to fall.


	5. Already Gone

Chapter 5-Already Gone

She doesn’t return to work after that. Restricted bed rest. The guys all take turns checking on her from time to time, and Cragen is kind enough to let him know how she is doing after his visits. Kathy had let him know how far along she was that night when she overheard some of the nurses’ conversation, and he had mapped out the rest of her pregnancy himself. He had been through it enough times to figure things out and for what he couldn’t figure out there was always Google. He wanted to keep track of where she was each step in her pregnancy. He wanted to know everything that was going on with his child. He catches the tail end of one of Munch and Fin’s conversations as they head in one morning, and he knows. 

Olivia has given birth. 

His children had been confused by the situation. Neither he nor Kathy had known how to explain things, but he told them what he thought mattered. That he did not cheat on their mother and that the baby would be born soon. The twins had mostly seemed indifferent, unsure how to feel or how to take the news. Maureen had looked at him with disappointment in her eyes. Kathleen had been angry. Kathy had been by his side and offered to help explain anything that the kids did not understand. Neither of them broached the subject of his current predicament and complicated relationship with Olivia. There was no way he could even attempt to help them understand something he did not understand himself, but with time they have all seemed to come around. 

He thinks it is due to Kathy and her strength. It’s one of the reasons he loves her. He knows the situation is hurting her. There’s no way it could not be. If he were in her shoes, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. But she has been the pillar of strength for all of them. She’s cleaned and restored some of their children’s baby things to working order, so that the baby will feel at home when he or she comes to visit. She’s encouraged their children to accept the reality of a new sibling that will only be half related to them and somewhat indulges in their excitement. Helping them pick out bottles and onesies and stuffed animals to put in the crib. Lizzie and Dickie constantly fight over whether the baby will be a boy or girl. Kathleen and Maureen want to stand for the baby when they have it baptized. They all ask about Olivia, and how she is doing and why she is not involved with them. He simply tells them that she is doing well and that she is not ready to be a family with them yet, but she will. He hopes she will. Late at night Kathy talks with him about his hopes for this child and for all of them. He hopes for another son so that Dickie can have the brother he always wanted. He hopes that no matter what they have, their baby is healthy and their little altercation had no effect on their child’s development. He hopes Olivia will one day forgive him and allow all of them to be in the baby’s life. He wants to help name their child. He wants to be the father. Kathy listens and tells him it will all work itself out in the end. He believes her, but he also wonders when will be the end. When the baby is born? A year from now? 18 years? 20? He’s not sure he could wait that long. She kisses his hand and tells him it will be sooner than he thinks. He trusts her, so he believes her.

He uses his badge and a made up excuse to get past the nurses and into her hospital room. She had only been 36 weeks, which makes him a little nervous, but his fear is replaced with shock when he sees two plastic bassinets situated bedside her bed. Twins. He walks over to one bassinet as Olivia continues to sleep and lifts the tiny infant from its bed. He can tell from the pink beanie that he now holds his fourth daughter. He smiles and kisses her forehead. He turns to the next bassinet and scoops the next baby into his arms like an expert father. The blue beanie tells him he has a son. A son. Dickie will be thrilled to know he has a little brother, he thinks. 

He takes a seat in the chair by her bed and uses the dim lighting to really look at them. If there were ever a doubt in his mind about the paternity of these children they were now gone. Both seemed to resemble his other children, with a few of Olivia’s features thrown in. He sits there, mesmerized, for some time, before deciding it is time to go. He will come back in the morning to talk to her. He stands and carefully places each child back into their respective basinet. 

“What are you doing?”

Elliot startles, nearly dropping his daughter. He carefully tucks her back into her bassinet before turning his attention back to Olivia.“Liv…I-I just came to see them, they’re beautiful.,” he says slowly.

“Get Out!” her voice rises. She sits up off the bed and takes a step towards him. She nearly doubles over in pain, but pushes it aside in favor of her rage.

The fire in her eyes was one he has seen many a time. It was that of a mother, trying to protect her young. “Get out!!!” she yells and shoves him back. “Get the hell out!! Get away from my children! Out!!!”she continues to yell.   
Suddenly all hell breaks loose. One of the babies begins to wail. People begin to flood the room. He isn’t sure how but suddenly he feels himself in the firm grip of two security guards.

“Olivia?” he begs, but she does nothing to help him. 

He is dragged from her room and once he is gone her attention immediately turns to her crying son. “Shhh,” she soothes as she picks up and begins to rock her baby.

“Are you ok Ma’am?”

Olivia nods. “I don’t want him here,” she responds, never removing her eyes from her son.

“Don’t worry. Security will handle him. You’re safe here. Do you want me to call one of your officer friends?”

“No. Just keep him away.”

The nurse nods. “Do you want me to take them back to the nursery so you can get some rest, or would you prefer to keep them here?”

“I want them here. I prefer to have them here beside me.”

“Ok. Let me know if you change your mind. I’ll give you a moment before I come back in to check your stiches. Make sure you didn’t rip any of them out.”

Olivia nods “Thank you,” she whispers and watches as the nurse leaves. Her focus immediately returns to the tiny infant in her arms. “It’s ok. Mommy will protect you. She won’t ever let him hurt you.”

*

He bangs on the door and yells her name. He can’t take it anymore It’s been three weeks since she had security throw him out of her hospital room and he hasn’t seen his children since. On her first day out of the hospital he had come by her apartment to visit, but had ended up spending the whole night banging on her door or sitting on the floor outside of it. She had come out to take out the trash and hadn’t shown any pity towards him. A few days later he had dropped off a bag of diapers and slid a check under her door. It wasn’t much, but it was all he had to spare. When he came back he saw that the diapers were still in the same place, but a small envelope was taped to them. He opened it to find it held his check…his check ripped to pieces.

At this point he has had enough and refuses to give in this time. He wanted to give her time at first. Time for her hormones to adjust and for her come back to her senses and realize that as much as she might hate him, he isn’t the enemy.   
He feels that at this point, there has been enough time.

He’s had a shit week and a particularly shitty day as well and he needs. To. See. His. Children. He doesn’t care if he wakes them up. He doesn’t care how pissed she gets, he’s tired of her games. 

“Olivia!” he calls and pounds harder on the door. Her neighbors threaten to call the police and he whips out his badge and tells them that he is the police. They promptly go back to bed. He continues his banging and even tries the door when-

It opens. 

His heart begins to race because he knows that Olivia would never. Ever. Ever. Leave her door open in the middle of the night. Especially with her two infant children at home with her. Slowly he pulls his glock from his waist, but slowly lowers it once the door is fully open and he’s stepped foot in her apartment. 

It’s empty.

He quickly does a run through of the place and sure enough. It’s empty. Save for the dust bunnies on the floor and a small crumpled up piece of paper. He walks over and sees that it is a picture of them from way back when. Their first Police Holiday Banquet. They stand side by side, and she wears a stunning red dress, her dark hair skimming her shoulders. A simple smile on her face, a smirk on his own. He’s in a dark suit and a festive tie his kids had given him some Christmas log ago. He reads the back.

Police Banquet ‘99

He turns it back over and looks around the apartment and realizes that he’s too late. They’re already gone.


	6. Lost and Found

He does not know where to start. She has cancelled her cell phone plan and closed all of her accounts. There are thousands of Olivia Bensons in the country, a few of them are even cops, but he is no closer to figuring out which one was his. He hates this. He hates not knowing where his kids are. He hated having to tell his older children that while they did have new siblings, they weren’t allowed to see them. Then three weeks later having to tell them that he doesn’t even know where they are. Their disappointment is evident, and it only makes the pain of losing his kids before he even gets to know them all the more painful.

He doesn’t know where to begin until he realizes that his ADA had suspiciously gone missing as well. She comes in to get information on a case a week later. He pulls her into an interrogation room and confronts her once the opportunity presents itself.

“Tell me where they are,” he demands, once the door has closed behind them.

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Don’t play games with me. Olivia and my kids. You know where they are so tell me.”

“I’m not getting involved in this. This is between you and her. I have nothing to do with it,” she moves to get past him, but he’s faster and more desperate and he quickly cuts off her exit by blocking the door.

“You helped her move to where she is which means you’re an accessory to the crime.”

“Crime? What crime?”

“Kidnapping.”

“Really, Elliot, you’re going to threaten a lawyer, an ADA for that matter, with criminal charges? You don’t even have any proof, I was on vacation with my boyfriend. And before you start digging through my personal information trying to find them, I’d consider the lawsuit I’d slap your ass with. I’m pretty sure Cragen wouldn’t appreciate that, and neither would your wife when she realizes you lost your pension over Olivia,” she seethes. “But, I’d still like to consider us friends. So as a friend and a lawyer, let me help you out a bit with New York State custody laws. As of right now, you have no rights to those kids. You and Olivia were never married. In fact you were married to another woman at the time of their birth and conception. Therefore things get little bit complicated from here. There is no legal record whatsoever that recognizes you as their father. You’re not even listed on their birth certificates. So Olivia didn’t kidnap anybody. She moved and took her children with her, as is her right. Which squashes the rest of your case. Do some research next time you want to play legal games with a lawyer. Now, if you would excuse me,” she says and moves past him.

“So wait?” she pauses at the door and turns to look at him, clearly still annoyed. “I have no rights to them? None at all?”

“No.”

“But I’m their father, biologically I’m their father.”

“Right now, DNA doesn’t mean anything. According to the law you’re not.”

He is at a loss. How is he supposed to see his kids when he doesn’t even have a single right to them? 

“You know where she is, though?”

“Yes I do, but I’m not going to betray her confidence to help you.”

“I thought we were friends.”

“Yea, but my best friend and god children just moved away because you felt the need to build your ego by screwing her. You hurt her to the point where she couldn’t bear to remain in the same state as you. The pain she’s been in,” Casey quickly blinks away her own tears. “I’m taking back my previous statement. We’re no longer friends.” 

“Look, I know I’m not your favorite person right now, but they’re my kids. I love them. I want to be in their lives. Please, help me,” he pleads with eyes rimed with tears.

Her demeanor softens. “Elliot, maybe their lives are better without you. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. I really have to go…”   
She steps around him, leaving him confused and lost.

*

He finally resorts to a personal investigator. He doesn’t want to, he knows that he can do just as good a job as any PI, but with his workload and the amount of time it requires, he has no other choice. He has to find them as soon as possible. He has to be a part of his children’s lives before its too late. It is beginning to cause tension at home and he isn’t up for losing his marriage or his job by illegally using their resources for his own personal agenda. Not when some extra cash and a favor here and there can solve all of his problems. Cragen has warned him, that if he doesn’t focus on the job more or if he discovers him using the department’s resources, his job would be in jeopardy. Kathy was not too happy when she found out what it would end up costing them, but she understood. It was for his children. Two months later he stands in front of the building that reads The Boston Police Department.

Olivia has been found.

*

Elliot steps off the elevator and into the Boston police’s Special Victims Unit. He looks around the hustle and bustle of their squad room and tries to locate Olivia. A tall man dressed in jeans and a T-shirt with a gun holster hanging from his shoulders approaches him 

“Hi, I’m Lt. Sydney Harrison, is there anything I can do to help you?”

“Yea, I’m looking for Olivia Benson?”

“Oh, that’s my partner. She’s busy conducting an interview right now. Is there anything I can help you with?” 

Elliot takes in his physique. He is tall, about 6’2 , bald. By necessity or choice, he isn’t sure. He works out, Elliot figures, by the size of his arms and by the way his shirt stretches tightly across his torso. He needs to get a bigger shirt Elliot muses to himself. He does not see a reason why his shirt needs to be so tight. What little facial hair he has is carefully groomed to perfection. A thin line to highlight the hard lines of his chiseled jaw and another around his mouth, but not much else. His skin is the color of caramel. He seems to be a pretty boy to Elliot. 

He’s ok. 

Definitely not worthy of having the title of Olivia Benson’s Partner.

“Um no I just really nee-”

“Elliot?”

Both men turn to the female voice that has just entered their conversation. 

Olivia. 

She looks good Elliot thinks to himself as he watches her approach them. But from the look on her face it is clear that she is not happy to see him.

“What are you doing here?” she asks.

“Can we talk?”

“Can you finish up with Ms. Fullerton?” she asks Sydney, “She just needs to sign her statement, and have one of the unis take her home.”

“Sure,” Sydney replies, slightly confused. “You gonna be ok?” he asks her eyeing Elliot skeptically.

“I’ll be fine,” she replies.

Olivia walks out of the squad room and Elliot follows behind her. She doesn’t stop until they are outside the precinct.

“You look good,” he says, trying to lighten the mood. He finally has a chance to take in her full appearance. It has been months and months since he has seen her or really looked at her and taken in the subtle changes she has made to her appearance. She has lost the baby weight and her hair is longer. Her original hair color is back and full of silky highlights that glisten in the late morning sun.

“Why are you here?”

“You know why I’m here.”

“Really, I don’t, because I’m pretty sure I made it clear that I didn’t want to see you ever again.”

“I’m here to see my kids. Did you really think that you could just pick up and leave and I wouldn’t come looking for them?”

“I figured you would have gotten the point and just let it go. My mistake, but there’s nothing here for you, Elliot.”

“My kids are here. They need a father.”

“That may be true, but they don’t need you. Just go back to Kathy and your kids, because we don’t need you here.”

Sydney comes up behind them, a skeptical look on his face. “Everything ok out here?”

“Yea, he was just leaving,” she says and turns to head back into the precinct.

“I’m not leaving unti-”

He tries to reach for her, but Sydney steps in front of him, cutting off his access to Olivia, “I think you are.”

The two men stand toe to toe, bodies nearly touching, humming with testosterone and anger. Olivia steps between the two of them. “Sydney, c’mon.   
Let’s go. He’s not worth it.”

Sydney backs away but doesn’t break his stare with Elliot. “Cap said to go pick up Bleaker.”

“K, c’mon,” she tugs on his arm and he finally turns and walks off with her.

Elliot watches the pair walk off then turns to face the open road in front of him. He has no intentions of giving up that easily.

*

They stumble into his apartment in a flurry of hot kisses and pleasant groping. He quickly closes the door then presses her against it. He drops his holster to the floor as her hands tug on his shirt. He pulls hers off once his has been removed then reaches for the button on her slacks. He pulls away from her while she finishes removing them along with her underwear and her boots. He returns to her with his hardened member sheathed in a thin layer of latex then presses her back against the wall. Then he’s in her, and she’s in heaven. She secures her long legs around his waist as he thrusts inside her. He’s always so long and thick and hard, and he fills her in a way she’s never been filled before. He always has to be deep deep deep down inside her, and she loves it when he’s there. She holds onto him as he fucks her against his door. They faintly hear a cell phone ringing in the background, but neither seems to care and they both decide to live in the moment. He takes her to oblivion and back-he always does- then leaves her shaky and clinging to him with her face buried in his neck. She slowly slides her legs down his, careful not to get caught in his pants, still tangled around his ankles.

He resituates himself in his pants then walks over and collapses on his couch and tries to catch his breath while she does the same. She sits down beside him and sees that she has two missed calls. She doesn’t recognize the number, so she selects the green button and joins him on the couch as it begins to ring. 

“Coogan’s,” a man answers.

“Hey, someone called me from this number.”

“Yea, you Olivia?” the man’s thick Bostonian accent comes through the phone.

“Yea?”

“I got some smuck he’ah, says he knows ya. He’s wasted and in need of a designated drive’ah. How soon can you get he’ah?”

“Wait, who?” 

“Hold on,” she hears him set the phone down and his voice faintly in the background, “Hey, hey, hey buddy what’s ya name?” he picks back up the phone. “Says his name’s Elliot.” 

She sighs. “Can’t you put him in a cab or something?”

“Tried. Says he aint got nowhe’ah to go.”

She sighs once again. “Fine. I’ll figure something out.” She hangs up her phone then settles herself on her partner’s couch. “When did you and Tasha break up?”

“Jessica.”

“Jessica? I thought you called it quits with her a long time ago?” 

“No, I called it quits with Brandi a long time ago. Tasha and I were never an item. We just hooked up a couple of times.”

“Well you date so many its hard to keep ‘em straight.” He laughs a little bit at her. “So when did you and Jessica break up.”

“I didn’t. At least not yet.”

“Not yet? Syd, I thought our one rule was that you weren’t allowed to use me to cheat on your girlfriends.”

“It’s not cheating. I was going to break up with her today, but then we got that break in the case and ended up working late. And then this happened so…”

“What was wrong with this one?”

“Well, let’s just say she was a bit too much of a lady. I need a freaky girl in bed. Someone like you.”

She rolls her eyes. “Please.”

“I’m not going to lie, you do have some…skills.” He says eyeing her seductively. “Where’d you learn all that?”

“A magician never reveals her secrets,” She winks at him.

He laughs. “I knew I liked you for a reason. The sex is just a bonus.” She punches him in the arm. “Ow. Damn woman. Don’t you know I bruise easily?”

She rolls her eyes at him. “You’ll live.” 

“Soooo…ah. You just gonna let him stay there?”

“Stay where?”

“Please, Olivia. I told you a million times to turn down the volume on your cell phone. I could hear your whole conversation all the way over here. So are you going to help him out?”

She immediately grows defensive. “Why should I help him? I came here to get away from him, and he decided to follow me and then get himself drunk. He’s a grown man, he can take care of himself.”

“You’re harsh.”

“I’m not harsh. I just don’t want him in my life.”

“But it’s not about you. It’s about your kids. What if they want him in their lives.”

“They’re three months old, they don’t know what they want.”

“Exactly, and as their mother it’s your job to not only decide what they want or need, but also what’s best for them.”

“What if I decide that him not being in their lives is what’s best for them?”

“Olivia, he’s here fighting tooth and nail with you just to see those kids. What are you so afraid of?”

“That he’ll hurt them,” she answers and looks at him seriously as she tries to bat away the tears. “They’re defenseless. I need to protect them.”

“Protect them from what?”

“Him!” she throws her hands up in frustration as she stands and begins to pace his apartment. “Don’t you get it? He’ll somehow end up hurting them.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because he hurt…me,” she answers as she loses her battle with her tears and they begin to stream down her face.

He takes her hand and pulls her back down to sit beside him. “Just because he hurt you, doesn’t mean he’ll hurt them too. Hey, he might end up being a great father to them.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Neither do you.”

“I still don’t know…” she shakes her head.

“Olivia.”

“I was second best to him, that means they are too, and they’re my babies,” she whispers and swipes away her tears. “I won’t let them be second best to   
his other children. They deserve better than that. They deserve to be number one. I want them to be just as important to him as they are to me, and since that’s never going to happen, he’s never going to see them.”

“Olivia, he left his job, his wife, and his kids with her, just to have a chance to spend some time with you and your kids.” 

“He didn’t come here for me. He came here for them,” she says sadly.

“And that’s a problem because?”

She looks at him in disbelief then punches him again in the arm. “You’re such an ass sometimes. Why are you defending him?”

He rubs the area where she just punched him. “Look, I’m not taking his side over yours, but it’s not about you. It’s about them. When I was growing up there weren’t a lot of guys working this hard just to be in his kid’s life.”

“Did your father leave you?”

“Contrary to the stereotype, he did not.”

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I know. My father died when I was very young. Like four or five. He was involved in a very bad car accident on a very rainy day. I don’t remember much   
about him, but what I do remember is good. Really good, and my mom’s always told me how much he loved me, and how much I meant to him. I’m actually named after him.”

“I just thought she was disappointed in the fact that you weren’t’ a girl and refused to give up the name.”

“I do not have a girl’s name. My mom just changed the spelling, because she loved Australia. My father promised that he would take her one day, and never got the chance. But that’s not important right now. What is important is the fact that my father was a great dad to me. He read to me at night. Was there for all my pop warner football games. Would coach me whenever he had time after work. He was a great Dad. I would give anything, and I mean anything, just to be able to spend one more day with him. Your kids have a father that wants to get to know them. If he dies on the streets one day what are you going to tell them when they ask about him? And they will ask about him.”

*

They stumble into her apartment, Sydney bearing most of Elliot’s weight, her bearing the rest. He helps him onto Olivia’s couch then stands and tries to catch his breath.

“Thanks for helping me with him,” she pants.

“No problem. See you in the morning?

“Yea, just do me a favor and let the Cap know I’m going to be a little late.”

“When are you not late?”

“Shut up.”

“Alright, I’m gone.”

“Bye,” she closes the door behind Sydney then turns her attention back to Elliot.

“Stay here!” she says to him then goes to find her nanny. Rosalia was a newly immigrated mother of 7 from the Dominican Republic with no references and more experience than all of the other candidates that she and Casey had spent a week interviewing combined. She’s affordable and loving. She’s kind and treats Olivia like one of her own. She cooks, cleans, and does laundry all without Olivia asking and is amazing with her children. Olivia couldn’t ask for a better nanny. An added bonus was that with Rosalia-Rosa for short- her children would be bilingual by the time they were two. But mostly, she’s affordable.

She finds her tucking in her son and communicates with her in her native tongue. “Hola! Cómo fueron los niños de hoy?”

“Oh muy bien, y tu?” 

“Not so good, but I’m glad to be home.” 

“Ok, well I go now. I make you dinner and put in la frigeradora. Ok?”

“Ok. Will you be ok getting home?”

“Oh sure. It’s only the next building over.”

Another bonus.

Olivia follows her out of the nursery and into the living room.“Ok. Call me and let me know you got home safely, and I’m going in to work late, so I don’t think I’m going to need you tomorrow until about 9.”

“Ok. Goodnight Ms. Olivia.”

“Goodnight Rosa.”

Olivia closes and locks the door behind her then turns her attention to the drunk on her couch. “Look, you can sleep this off tonight, but tomorrow morning you need to go.” She heads towards her bedroom, then turns and says one more thing to him. “And don’t you dare touch my kids.” 

He listens as she walks away and her bedroom door closes. A few minutes later the phone rings and a couple minutes later her shower starts. He smiles. It isn’t exactly the way he wanted to get in, but he’s here. He knows that old habits die hard, especially when it came to her, and that if he needed her, she would still be there for him. His children are only a few feet away, rather than hundreds of miles. He still needs to work on her, he knows that, but at least this way he’s one step closer. 

*

The next morning he wakes up to the worse headache of his life. He squints at the sunlight pouring in through her windows and takes in his unfamiliar surroundings.

“Hurts huh?”

He looks over and sees her sitting in a love seat. “You have no idea.”

“There’s a cup of tea right there and some Tylenol. I’m still nursing so I don’t really have any coffee here.” 

“Thanks.”

“You need to go. You can’t stay here.”

“Just cut to the chase don’t you?”

“You’ve never known me to beat around the bush.”

“That’s true. Look Olivia, if we could just talk-”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Why? You know, they’re my kids too. I deserve to be a part of their lives.”

“You deserve my foot kicking your ass out the door. I loaned you my couch for one night, and now it’s time for you to go.”

“I’ll get a lawyer. I’ll sue for custody.”

“Do it,” she says evenly and stares at him without an ounce of fear in her eyes.

He sighs, knowing threatening her isn’t the way to go. “I just want a chance to get to know them. I know you hate me, but don’t punish them too by keeping me away from them. You know I’ll be a great father to them.”

“Everything I thought I knew about you got thrown out the door after that weekend. I’m going to go get ready. Stay away from my children.”

He’s gone by the time she comes out again. The blanket she’d thrown over his sleeping form the night before has been carefully folded and rests on her couch. The tea and Tylenol remain in their place. 

Untouched.

*

He bangs on her door at midnight the next night and she swings it open with furry. He stares at her with bleary bloodshot eyes and she pities him. 

“Please,” he rasps and Sydney’s words echo in her head.

What are you going to tell your children when they ask about their father?

She sighs in defeat. “The couch pulls out,” she says. 

She takes a step back and allows him in. He drags his duffle bag in behind him.


	7. Grace

Chapter 7-Grace 

He lays awake and stares at the ceiling. He’s here. His kids are nearby and all he has to do is play his cards right and this can end up being a successful trip. He wants her to move back to New York with him so that they can adequately raise their kids together. But he’s not sure how he’s ever going to convince her of that. He can sense her anger and hatred towards him from here, but he’s the father and that has to count for something. 

Baby steps, he thinks. He has to take his time with all of this because he’s playing a game he can’t afford to lose. Losing means he will lose his children, losing his children will kill him, therefore losing is not an option.

He’s on thin ice and afraid that one false move will have him on his way back to New York before anything is settled between them. He wants to hold his children. His fingers ache to touch their soft skin. He wants to smell their baby scent and see them with his own two eyes. They must look so different now. He hasn’t seen them in three months and he knows first hand how quickly babies can change in such a short amount of time. He believes God must be listening to his silent prayers because at that moment he hears a faint wail followed by another not too long after. He has just been given the opportunity he’s been waiting for and he doesn’t waste a moment’s time before he is off the pullout bed and down the hall.

He stops in the doorway and watches her lift one fussy infant then try to console the other. “Need some help?”

The entire room is startled by his presence for a second, and then the wailing commences once again. “No, I’m fine,” she says, before turning her attention back to their children.

“Please?” he asks.

Olivia takes a moment and looks at her daughter, who stares back at her with the eyes of her father. Part of her telling her to give him a chance the other half telling her to protect them. Her son’s eyes seem to plead with her and so she decides to relent. “You can take him, and change him while I feed her.”

She carefully passes her son into his father’s arms and Elliot smiles as he cradles his son for what feels like the first time. “Hi,” he says to him. “I’m your dad.” The baby smiles at his father and stares in childlike wonder at the blue eyes that match his own. 

“Everything is by the changing table over there,” she says, then points over towards the changing table. 

Elliot barely notices, his attention completely enamored by his son. “Ok,” he answers absently.

She shakes her head then proceeds to nurse her daughter. Elliot makes his way over to the changing table and begins to change his son. When he is finished he turns back to her. “What’s his name?” he asks her. 

“You don’t know their names?” she asks, surprised that he doesn’t know such a simple yet important piece of information regarding his own children. 

“I didn’t want to hear about my own kids from other people that barely know them.” 

“They know them better than you do,” she mumbles.

“And whose fault is that?” he snaps back. She simply glares at him, and he is immediately reminded of where he stands with her. “Sorry,” he says and averts his gaze from her.

“His name is Kaleb, “ she answers, instead of taking the bait. “And this is Kalea.”

“They got middle names?”

“Levi and Levia.”

Elliot holds up his son proudly. “Kaleb Levi Stabler.”

“Benson,” she corrects.

He stares at his son and feels his heart sink. “Benson…” he amends. “You know now that I’m-”

“I really don’t think you want to finish that sentence.”

He nods, remembering his current position and decides to change the subject. “You mind if I sit with him for a bit. Just until you finish.”

“Go ahead,” she answers, happy to have him out of her presence.

Elliot is completely mesmerized by Kaleb and vice versa. Kaleb is a happy baby and it shows in the way he smiles with his father without much coaxing. His son has dark hair that matches his own, but he looks almost exactly like his mother. Elliot can pinpoint his features in the child, but there aren’t many. Olivia comes and takes the child from him.

“Where’s Kalea?”

“She’s sleeping.”

“I wanted to hold her.”

“Kaley’s not too keen on strangers and I don’t want to get her all riled up when I’m trying to get them back to sleep.”

“I’m not a stranger, I’m her father.”

“To her, you’re a stranger.” 

“Yea, no thanks to you!”

Olivia takes a deep breath and bides her anger. “Look Elliot, I’m not going to fight with you in my own home. You want to be pissed and angry, fine. But do it elsewhere. I’m trying really hard here to forgive you and let you into their lives, but you’re walking on thin ice here. Don’t mistake my grace for forgiveness, because we are not ok.”

She turns and marches back into the nursery, slamming the door behind her.

*

Elliot bounces his daughter on his knee while tickling her and making funny sounds, causing the baby to laugh hysterically. Elliot laughs with her. He loves the sound of her laughter. Olivia hadn’t been lying when she told him Kalea was not keen on strangers, but after two weeks of constant interaction they are now best friends. He hates the fact that he’s going to have to leave them soon. The best Cragen had been able to do was give him time off without pay, and his family will be in need of a paycheck fairly soon.

He calls Kathy everyday and he tells her of the new things he’s learned about his children and she listens with amusement. She worries about him. He hears it in his wife’s voice every time he talks to her. She’s afraid that she may be losing him, but little does she know that she does not need to worry about him. Olivia is polite when it comes to him, but far from comfortable, although he feels he has made strides when it comes to her. She is no longer hostile or defensive around him-at least not right off the bat anymore. She does have a fairly short fuse when it comes to him though, but the past few days they have been civil. He’s been careful about what he says around her, and she’s seemed to come around a bit. She watches TV with him and even lets him have the remote. She laughs at his jokes and even cracks a few of her own. They enjoy Rosa’s home cooked meals together and he feels that she may even be close to forgiving him. He needs to talk to her about sharing custody of his children, but he knows that it’s a conversation that will NOT go over well. 

He is surprised when he hears her key in the door around 3 that afternoon. “You’re home early,” he says as a greeting.  
She tiredly kicks off her shoes and shuffles her socked feet across the floor tossing her mail on her dining room table. “Wasn’t feeling too well so the Cap sent me home early.”

“She sends you home to infect your two infant children, that was nice of her.”

“Where else am I supposed to go?” she asks and collapses down beside him. “Hi Kaley she grins at her daughter and the little girl smiles back.

Rosa comes out a freshly bathed Kaleb in her arms. “Hello Ms. Olivia,” she says and hands Olivia her son.  
The baby doesn’t hesitate to snuggle up to his mother and Olivia holds him close. Rosa returns with a diaper, onesie, baby lotion, and baby powder. Olivia takes her time rubbing lotion on and dressing the baby. When she’s done she simply holds him until he falls asleep. Ever the jealous one, Kaley begins to cry. 

“You’re ok,” Olivia soothes from her position. She reaches for the baby’s pacifier at the same time Elliot does and he beats her to it. Within seconds the baby is calm and begins to rub her eyes. Olivia smiles. “You’re good with her.”

“I’m her father,” Elliot responds.

Olivia nods, deciding to let him have that one. “Well, I’m going to go put him down and get some sleep. You ok with her?”

“Yea, I got her.”

*

Over the next twenty-four hours Olivia’s condition worsens. She has developed a full-blown flu, complete with vomiting, fever, cough, and fatigue. Elliot does his best to take care of her while Rosa attends to the babies. He walks into her room with a tray full of amenities for any person with the flu. Olivia sleeps a deep and even sleep. She looks miserable. Her cheeks are flushed and her nose is a rosy red. She breathes through her mouth with a tissue still clutched in her hand. Tissues are strewn about and he picks them up. He is about to throw them in the trash when he finds that it is full of vomit. He cleans out the plastic trash bin and lines it with a plastic bag. He really hates to wake her, in some sordid way she kind of looks peaceful, but he can’t remember the last time he saw her eat anything, and it looks like whatever she ate came back up shortly thereafter.

“Liv,” he calls softly. She moans in response. “Liv, c’mon. You gotta eat something.”

“Not hungry,” she replies, followed by a horrific coughing fit. 

“I know, but Rosa made you some soup. Just take a few bites, otherwise I’m going to send Rosa in here to make you eat the whole thing. And you know she will, too.”

“Traitor,” she mumbles groggily. “I’m sick. You’re supposed to be on my side,” she says as shakily pulls herself up as Elliot brings over the tray.

“I am on your side,” he says as he places it on the bedside table and lifts the bowl into his hands. He Takes a spoonful and holds it out to her, and she takes the offered sustenance. “I went out and got you some Nyquil. I heard you up last night so it should help, and I also got you some Theraflu,” he says as he fills another spoonful and feeds it to her.

“Thanks, but I can’t. I don’t want to take anything that will compromise my milk.”

“You can’t nurse them if your sick, Liv. Besides you can pump and dump later.”

Olivia pushes away the offered spoonful of soup. “No more.”

“Liv, you only took two bites.”

“I’ll eat the rest later. I just want to shower and go back to sleep.”

“Ok. Well I’ll leave the Niquil and the Theraflu here for you. Take them so you can sleep and get better.”

“Thanks.”

“And drink that orange juice. You need to hydrate.”

*

A couple days later Elliot pulls the door closed to Olivia’s bedroom, this time carrying an empty tray out with him. She had cleaned the bowl and he didn’t need to feed her. She is beginning to bounce back. Her original color is returning and her fever had finally broken the night before. She is doing well. Rosa has left for the day and the twins were already down for the night. He begins washing out her plates when there is a knock on the door. He sets down the dish he is currently washing and heads to the door. After a quick look through the peephole he pulls the door open. 

“Detective Harrison,” Elliot greets.

“Detective Stabler,” he replies.

“What can I do you for?”

“Came to see Olivia. Brought her some flowers,” he says holding up the bouquet of mixed colored lilies.

“She’s resting. You should come back later or better yet, wait until she returns to work.”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t mind,” he smiles charmingly. “What she would mind is you trying to stop me from seeing her.”

“Don’t try to tell me about my partner. I’ve known her for the past 6 years.”

“Obviously not well enough. Which is probably why she’s my partner now. If you would excuse me,” he steps past him and makes his way towards Olivia’s bedroom. He knocks lightly and upon hearing her answer enters then closes and locks the door behind him.

Olivia looks up from flipping channels on her TV and smiles when she sees him. “To what do I owe the honor?”

“Came to visit my partner. Bring her some flowers.” He sits on the side of her bed and hands her the flowers.

“Lillies! They’re my favorite. How did you know?”

“A good partner always knows his partner’s favorite flower.”

She simply stares at him.

“You mentioned it once when we were on a case. You thought I wasn’t listening, but I was.”

“Well, thank you. I would love to smell them, but I can only breathe through one nostril.”

He laughs with her. “I almost didn’t get in. Your bouncer tried to keep me out.”

“Who, Elliot? Don’t mind him. He’s just a little overprotective.”

Sydney nods in understanding. “So how has things been with him here?”

“Not so bad. We fought a bit in the beginning, but he’s here for the kids so I’ve been trying to keep the peace.”

“How long is he planning on staying?”

“I don’t know. Haven’t really asked.”

Sydney nods once again. He eyes the corner of her comforter and pulls it away slowly revealing bare olive toned skin. “I’ve missed you,” he says as he caresses her leg.

“You’re going to get sick,” she smiles knowingly and watches as his hazel eyes darken with desire. She shakes her head and brushes his hand away.

“I don’t get sick. Unlike you I have a great immune system.” he replies back, this time brushing his hand over her center and kissing her neck.

Olivia grins and shakes her head. “I haven’t seen or heard from you in days. You come over here with a bunch of flowers and think you’re gonna get some ass? Please.”

“I’ve been busy,” he says, pulling off his jacket and kissing her deeply.

“Yea, what’s her name?” she mumbles against his lips.

“Patricia Martinez.”

“Ooh, a Latina.”

“You know I don’t discriminate.”

“Then what was wrong with her?”

“She talked too damn much,” he finishes before silencing her with his lips.

*

Sydney steps back out of Olivia’s room, a satisfied smile on his face. He pulls up the zipper to his pants and looks up to see Elliot staring at him. 

“Nice meeting you again,” he says, the smile never leaving his face. 

Elliot quickly locks the door behind him. His blood is boiling. Her walls are paper thin and he’s heard them. The slap of their bodies, the knock of her head board, every moan, and every groan. He sits and waits for the right time to go in there and address her about it. She beats him to it. She emerges from her room several minutes later, freshly showered and dressed in flannel pajama bottoms and a white camisole. She joins him on couch and watches the baseball game with him for a few minutes.

“El, I wanted to thank you for all your help the past couple of days. For taking care of me and everything. I really appreciate it.”

Elliot nods and stares her dead in the eye. “How long have you been sleeping with him?”

She stares back, unfazed. “Since about our second week partnered together, and I’m not having this conversation with you. I came out here to say thank you, not to fight with you.” She gets up and heads towards her bedroom.

He follows her. 

He reaches her room just as her door slams in his face, he opens it and steps into her bedroom and recoils a bit. The room reeks of sex. “He hasn’t come by here to see how you’re doing and within five minutes of him showing up you decide to fuck him?!”

“How do you know-” she turns to face him, “were you listening?”

“Your walls are paper thin.”

“That’s disgusting. I can’t believe you sat there and listened to us.”

“I didn’t sit there and listen. I turned the game on to drown you two out, but what is disgusting is you throwing away your body to some asshole that doesn’t give a shit about you.”

“What? Like you did?”

“I did give a shit about you! I loved you and I’m so sick and tired of you throwing that in my face. When are you going to get over it!?”

“When are you going to live your own life and get the hell out of mine?”

“C’mon Liv, didn’t you learn anything from what happened between us?”

“Yes, I learned not to fall in love again. Ever.”

“Ever? Liv, just because you and I-”

“Look, I don’t want to hear this.”

“So what, you’re just going to keep sleeping with him, no strings attached? Is that what this is?” Her silence is his answer. “Liv, you can’t go whoring yourself out to every asswipe with a hard on just because of what happened between me and you.”

“Excuse me? What did you just call me? Look, you know what? You should get out of my bedroom. As a matter of fact, you need to get the hell out of my apartment.”

“I’m not leaving until we work out some kind of arrangement with the twins.”

“What kind of arrangement? They’re my kids.”

“And they are my kids too!!!! I have a right to see them, and so help me God I will get a lawyer and take them away from you if I have to.”

“I’d like to see you try. Pack your shit up. And get the fuck out of my apartment, now.” 

“Fuck you!” he says before leaving her bedroom.

She storms out after him. “No, fuck you!!! I let you into my home so you can spend some time with your kids, and because I decide to have a personal life you think its ok to call me a whore? Screw you.” She walks around her apartment, collecting various items that she knows belong to him and tosses them out into the hallway. She grabs his duffle out of his hand and tosses it along with the rest of his things then holds the door open for him. He steps through it, eyeing her menacingly. “And by the way, you can now contact me through my attorney. Her name should ring a bell, Donna Emmett.”

“What? You already have an attorney?”

“I trusted you once Elliot. Never again.”

“Olivia, let’s just talk about this.”

“No, I’ll see you in court,” she says before slamming the door in his face.


	8. Custody

Chapter 8-Custody

Three months later Elliot steps into the courthouse with his wife by his side. It has been an up hill battle, but he has finally reached his final hurdle. He first began by hiring his own heavy weight to represent him in this fight: Attorney Carolyn Maddox. She knew how to play hardball, which was exactly what Olivia was playing. He first had to prove that his children were his own, which required a subpoena to obligate Olivia to have the children tested. He had breathed a sigh of relief when he received the results and found out that the twins were, in fact, his. Despite his own gut feeling and all the signs that told him that they were his, there was still a small inkling of doubt that finally dissipated once he read those results for himself. Then there was the back and forth as they waited for their court date to arrive. He was hoping that they could work something out that would allow him to be in his children’s lives as much as possible, but that did not seem to be the case. She was as stubborn as he was and she refused to give up without a fight.

He spots her on a bench off to his right. She’s dressed in a black pants with a matching blazer over a dark blue blouse. Her black pumps accentuate her long legs. Professional, yet sexy. Typical Olivia. She stares intently at her iPhone, but senses his presence and looks up. He and Kathy go over to meet her.

“Olivia,” he says by way of greeting.

“Hey El,” she smiles, looks over at his wife. “Kathy,” she nods.

“Olivia,” Kathy greets in return and squeezes her husband’s hand a little tighter.

Olivia notices the gesture and smirks to herself, shaking her head.

“Something funny?” Elliot asks.

She smiles sweetly. “No, nothing at all. My lawyer just arrived. Excuse me,” she stands and steps past him to meet with her lawyer. Elliot spots his own and heads over to meet with her as well. 

After a few more minutes their names are called and they head into the small conference room. Elliot, his wife, and counsel sit on one side while Olivia and hers sit on the other. They rise when the judge enters and are seated a moment later.

“So, we are here to settle a custody issue,” the honorable Judge Maynard begins. “In regards to the minors Kaleb Levi Benson and Kalea Levia Benson. Mr. Stabler, you are petitioning for joint legal and physical custody. Ms. Benson you are petitioning for joint legal and sole physical custody. Counsel, let me hear your arguments, starting with you, Ms. Maddox.”

“Thank you, your honor. My client wishes to be in his children’s lives as much as possible. He wishes to be able to have his children in his custody with the standard every other holiday, including birthdays, and every weekend.”

“Thank you. Ms. Emmett?”

“Thank you, your honor. As the sole care provider for the minors in question, my client has no problem sharing legal custody, but wishes to maintain full physical custody and has no problem with Mr. Stabler’s request except that she wishes to have them spend every other weekend with her. For the simple fact that they are still infants and she would like to spend time with them as well.”

“No,” Elliot replies. “No, you have them all week, weekends should be my time.”

“Let me handle this,” Maddox whispers to Elliot. His eyes burn with furry as he stares at her across the table, but Olivia merely stares back. The perfect picture of serenity.

“Your honor, my client is asking for a fair shared amount of time with his children. Now, out of respect for their needs, he’s only asked that he be allowed to spend weekends with them,” Maddox argues.

“And my client is their mother and works a full time job to provide for them. She would like to spend some quality time with them as well,” replies Emmett.

“Five days a week isn’t enough quality time?” Maddox counters.

“Not when she is the sole monetary provider for her family. Your honor, she has agreed to everything else, she would just like to be able to spend some of her days off actually spending time with her children, doing things with them that she is otherwise unable to do, due to her work schedule. Like spend a Saturday morning with them in the park, having a picnic, taking them to a museum, or a fair. She works hard for her children, she shouldn’t be punished for that by having to give up what little quality time she has with them. She’s asking for the standard visitation as precedent by past New York State statute regarding custody agreements.” 

“I’ve heard both sides, I will contemplate a decision, now on to the next issue,” the judge finishes.

“My client requests that her children be allowed to remain in their current environment during Mr. Stabler’s visits.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning my client would prefer if they were to stay in the Boston area during this time.”

“What? No! No! My kids are coming home with me during my time,” Elliot bursts out again. “Are you kidding me, Olivia?” 

“Elliot!” Maddox chastises. “I said let me handle it.” Maddox turns her attention to the judge. “Your honor, what Ms. Benson is asking is ridiculous.”

“Actually, your honor, it’s not. These children live 3 almost 4 hours away from Mr. Stabler. Not including traffic. Mr. Stabler works a hectic job, which sometimes requires him to go into work on short notice. If he is so far away it may be an issue when it comes to returning the children in a timely manner. Furthermore, is it fair to ask these infants to spend 8 or more hours driving in a car every time they are to visit Mr.Stabler?”

“This is ridiculous. Does your client not work the same hours as mine? They do the same job, but in different states.”

“Wrong. I have here, two sworn statements. One from my client’s union rep and another from her Captain attesting to the hours as well as an agreement drawn up by the parties. My client does not work more than 60 hours a week, twelve hours a day, and every other weekend and holidays due to the fact that she is a single mother. She no longer receives calls in the middle of the night like your client does.”

“That does not matter. My client cannot control his work schedule. He also has a family to support. My client wishes to have his children with him so that they can spend time getting to know his family. Their family.”

“And when he’s at work who will they be spending their time with?”

“His wife and their siblings.”

“None of which has any legal standing here. Mrs. Stabler has no rights to the children in question and neither do her children. We are here to talk about Mr. Stabler’s rights.”

“Your Honor, is family not important? Is it not the reason why we are all sitting here? These children have siblings that would like to get know them. Three sisters and a brother. They should be given the chance to form a relationship with them.”

“Then they can accompany their father on his visits. Your Honor, if Mr. Stabler is petitioning for the right to visit his children, then he needs to be the one spending time with them. Not his family.”

“And when they are with your client don’t they spend most of their time with their nanny?”

“Yes, but when my client is home. She’s home.”

“Is she? Or is she off having sexual relations with her partner?”

That sparks Olivia’s fire. She turns an accusing eye towards Elliot. He smirks, finally winning one over on her.

“Objection! Excuse me, but my client’s personal life is not in question here.”

“How is it not in question when she is the primary parent spending all her time with these children. You just claimed that when my client has his children he should be the one spending time with them. Shouldn’t the same rules apply to Ms. Benson?”

“Like I said when she is home she. Is. Home. She lives for those children. Is it wrong for her to have a personal life?”

“Sustained. Let’s keep it cordial, Ms. Maddox,” the judge warns.

“I’m sorry your honor, but Ms. Benson doesn’t spend all her free time with her children, and my client shouldn’t be penalized for having to put food on the table.”

“And mine shouldn’t for having a personal life. She is with her children as much as possible. Raising twins is hard work for a single parent. She is entitled to have a night to herself.”

“A night that the children could be spending with their father.”

“Yes, every other weekend,” Emmett counters.

“That’s enough. While Ms. Benson’s personal life is not on trial here I am inclined to agree, that as a single parent she is entitled to night on her own, and the personal relationships of her choosing, as long as they don’t affect the wellbeing of the minors in question. Now, I’ve heard enough on this issue. Is there anything else?” the judge asks.

“No, your honor,” Maddox answers.

“No-” Emmett begins when Olivia interrupts and whispers in her ear. Emmett whispers back, then looks at Olivia once again. Emmet turns her attention to the judge. “My client would like to discuss the issue of child support. As the primary care giver of Mr. Stabler’s children, she is entitled to 25% of his earnings by New York State Custody laws.”

Elliot turns his attention back to Olivia and looks at him with a satisfied smirk on her face.

“My client cannot afford to forfeit 25% of his earnings. He has 4 other dependents, two of which are currently in college.”

“That is not my client’s problem. The children in question are Mr. Stabler’s children as well and should receive the same benefits as his other children do.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” The judge answers, “but I will make my ruling after a short recess.”

The two parties vacate the room. Olivia makes a phone call, while Elliot watches her intently. He can’t believe her. She knows what he makes. She knows his family can’t afford to forfeit twenty-five percent of his check. They discussed this before. They agreed. They are called back in a short time later, They each take their respective seats and wait for the judge to make his ruling.

“With regard to the children in question, I am going to make a decision that is in their best interest. Mr. Stabler, I understand your need to be in your children’s lives and I commend you for fighting so hard for them, but given the fact that Ms. Benson does live out of state and her attorney’s arguments, I find she is being generous. Most men in your situation would be severely limited, and only be able to see their kids once every few months or so. Ms. Benson, I am awarding you sole physical custody, and joint legal custody with Mr. Stabler. Mr. Stabler, you will have visitation rights with your children every other weekend and every other holiday. In the best interests of the children, I would advise that the children are to remain in the state of Massachusetts during your visits, but given that Ms. Benson maintains physical custody and is the primary care giver, I am going to leave it up to her to make that decision. Mr. Stabler, you are also required to pay 20% of your yearly income to Ms. Benson in child support fees. That is all.”

All stand and wait for the judge to exit before exiting the room themselves. Olivia quickly thanks her lawyer and heads on her way. Elliot looks up from his conversation with his own lawyer and realizes Olivia is no longer in sight. He moves quickly in an effort to catch up with her just before she leaves.

“Olivia! Olivia!!!” he calls. He catches her on the steps of the courthouse and turns her to face him. “What was that in there?” he asks.

“What do mean?”

“I thought we agreed that we would settle the child support issue outside of court. You know I can’t afford to give up 20% of my check.”

“Well, Elliot, you wanted to fight dirty, I decided that maybe I should fight dirty too.”

“You have fought dirty from the beginning! You have made this entire process unnecessarily difficult! We could have settled all this in mediation and had it legalized.”

“No! You expected me to just cave into your every whim so that you could get what you wanted, and when you weren’t getting your way you decided to bring my sex life into the equation. Too bad I still ended up getting what I want.”

“Maddox brought that up on her own. I didn’t tell her to use that. ” 

“You didn’t seem sorry that she did. How did she know in the first place? You spent 2 weeks with me and in that time I only slept with Sydney once. Once!”

“How was I supposed to know-”

“You weren’t! Because you don’t have to know. It’s none of your business. What you did in there could have jeopardized Sydney’s career, and mine, for that matter. What if I had done the same to you? Look, what I do in my personal life is none of your business!”

“It is when it involves my children.”

“Yea, and if you want them to be your children then you need to man up and support them financially as if they are your children. That means paying child support.” 

“Hey, I thought you promised to show me the town?” Both parents look down the steps to see Sydney waiting. 

Olivia smiles and heads down to meet him. “Sorry, I just got caught up in something.”

“Baby Daddy drama?” he asks and holds out a solid black peacoat for Olivia. “I don’t understand how you were standing out here with no coat on. It’s cold as a mother fucker out here.”

She slides her arms into the coat and pulls it tight around her. “He had me so riled up I barely noticed,” she turns her attention back to Elliot. “See you next weekend, Elliot.”

“Did everything go ok?”

“Yea, but let’s talk about it once we get someplace warm. You hungry?”

“When am I not?”

Olivia quickly hails a cab and the two climb in. Elliot watches as it disappears, barely noticing that his wife has come to stand beside him.

“Elliot,” she says softly, “you forgot your coat.”

“Thanks,” he says as the bitter winds whips around them. He takes his coat and slides it on. 

“Who was that?” she asks.

“Her partner.”


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9-Parenthood

Elliot knocks on the door to Olivia’s apartment, hoping that she is still awake. It’s late, but not too late for her to be awake. He’s wet and cold from the mixture of sleet and rain that pours outside. Normally he wouldn’t have braved the bad weather, but he had to see his kids. Since the court settlement he’s only seen his kids twice. He missed Christmas and new years, due to a combination of work and other family duties. He had to put in some overtime to cover his lawyer’s fees, the paternity tests, his bills, and his child support payments. It’s been nearly a month since he’s seen them and he knows that it’s been way too much time. So much can happen in a month. At this stage in life they are constantly changing and doing new things. As a result of their arrangement he knows he’s going to miss most of it, but it doesn’t mean he can’t be there for the rest.

The door opens and he can immediately tell that she’s mad. “You’re late.”

“I know. We had a case…I got out as soon as I could. Are they ready?”

“No,” she shakes her head. “You’re not taking them with you now.”

“It’s my weekend and I haven’t seen them in over a month. I’m taking them with me whether you like it or not,” he tries to move past her, but she blocks his entrance.

“No, you’re not.”

“Olivia, I will take you back to court if I have to.”

“Yea, like you can afford that, and I’m pretty sure they’ll like the part where you’ve been skipping visitations.”

“I have to work. I have a family to take care of, child support to pay along with the hotel reservations that I have to get every time I want to see them. I have no other choice. Now move so I can get my children.”

“No! The weather outside is ridiculous and you obviously haven’t slept in God knows how long. I put them to bed an hour ago and that’s where they’re going to stay. I’m not letting them go anywhere tonight.”

“Olivia,” he growls in frustration and balls his hands up into fists. He walks away and takes a couple deep breaths to try and cool off.

“Go downstairs and get your bag. You can spend the night here and take them in the morning. You shouldn’t be driving in this type of weather anyways,” she offers. “It’s not safe,” she admits. He stares at her skeptically. “C’mon. El. I promise I won’t bite.”

*

He comes out of the bathroom to find her on the couch, nursing their son. Conan is on, but the TV is on low, its soft glow illuminating the room. He sits beside her and sees that she has already taken out a set of sheets and a pillow for him.

“Thanks,” he says.

“You’re welcome,” she replies then hisses in pain. “Kaleb stop that,” she chastises.

“What?”

“He’s got one tooth now and he likes to bite.”

Elliot chuckles and catches a glimpse of her nipple as she readjusts her breast. He flashes back to that weekend. He remembers her nipples being the color of brown sugar, and how they tasted so sweet. He comes back to reality and he focuses on her. “Does Lea have teeth, too?”

“She’s got one and another one coming in. Lebby here just got his,” she smiles, and he realizes for the first time how much he’s missed it.

“Lebby?” he chuckles.

“Yea, what’s wrong with it?” she grins back.

“Nothing! Nothing at all, it’s just that if you ever call him that in public he will never forgive you.”

“Yea, and do you have anything better?”

“How ‘bout just his name?”

“Gee El, you’re so creative,” She lifts the sleeping baby and slumps him over her shoulder. She rubs his back gently in an effort to coax out a burp.  
He laughs once again, and suddenly becomes reminiscent of the old days. When they would laugh and have each other’s back. When they would fight and be back to normal only hours later. He misses that. “This is nice. I miss this,” he admits.

“Miss what?” 

“Us. Being like this. Without all the fighting.”

She becomes solemn. “Yea, me too.”

They both focus on the late night entertainment on in front of them. Conan makes a joke while interviewing some celebrity he cannot name. He glances over at her and finds himself wishing that they were them again. He knows that it will probably never be how it once was, but he hopes they can get close to how it was.

“Will you ever forgive me?” he asks after a while.

“I can’t forgive you for something you aren’t sorry for.”

“Olivia, you’re right. I’m not sorry. I love my wife. I don’t regret going back to her.”

After he says it, he braces for the worse. He expects her to get angry. He expects her to yell, but…  
She doesn’t.

She hears a small burp then shifts the baby back down into her arms. She stares intently at the TV as silent tears fill her eyes, but her voice is strong. “You see, you just don’t get it. Yes, it burns a little that you chose her over me, but that wasn’t why I was mad. I opened myself up to you, mind, body, and soul. I gave you all I had to give. I gave you me. I gave you me because you needed it. You asked it of me. I gave you everything I had and you threw it back in my face like it didn’t mean shit to you. Like…you didn’t even care. I trusted you in a way that I have never trusted anyone else. Opened myself to you in a way no other person has ever seen me. Then you hurt me in a way no other person has ever done before, including my mother. And you never once apologized. You never once regretted or tried to say you’re sorry for hurting me. You made excuses for it, you made it seem like you did nothing wrong because you made the honorable decision to go back to your wife, but in the entire time you were screwing me you never once thought about me, and that’s the thing with you. You never consider the people you might hurt until you’ve already hurt them. Everything is always about you. How you feel. What you think is right. What you want, and you forget about everyone else involved. The squad, the captain, your kids, your wife…me. You always forget about me. If it weren’t for the twins I could have disappeared and you wouldn’t have even given it a second thought. Do you know how many times one of us has put our asses on the line for you? Sacrificed for you, and you never learn,” she sighs and shakes her head. “The pain you caused me was nothing like anything I have ever felt before. The reason why I’m so difficult with you when it comes to the kids is because I can’t trust you with them. I can’t trust that you always put them and their wellbeing first. I’m afraid that you might one day hurt them, worse than how you hurt me, and as their mother, it’s my duty to protect them from that. To protect them from you,” she allows the tears to roll, unchecked, down her face and stands, leaving Elliot in a semi state of shock.

“Liv,” he calls and she stops and stares at him. “I’m sorry.”

She sighs and looks at him with pity in her eyes. “No,” she shakes her head. “You’re not.”

*

Elliot, knocks on the door to Olivia’s apartment and waits for her response before using his key to let himself into her apartment. He tosses his duffle by the couch and finds her in the middle of changing Kalea. Kaleb stands in his crib watching on, but calls out when he sees his father. Elliot heads over and picks him up doing a quick spot check. Kaleb has a bit more hair and another tooth.

“Hey,” Elliot says to Olivia. 

“Hey, you’re just in time. Did you bring the cream?”

“Shit, I forgot. I was on my way to get it when Liz called and needed me to pick her up from basketball practice. It completely slipped my mind. I’ll run out and buy some right now.” She hands him a diaper-less Kaley and heads out of the room to grab her cell phone. He follows behind her, a baby in each arm. “Who’re you calling?” he asks as he watches her dial a number by heart.

“Hey Syd…Yea it’s me. Can you do me a quick favor? Kaley has a really bad rash and none of the over the counter stuff is doing the trick. Your mom suggested this cream for her, but I’m having a hard time locating it. Do you think you can find it for me?.. K, I’ll text you the name… Yea, thanks.” She hangs up the phone, sends the text and he is fuming mad.

“Why did you do that? I told you I would go out and get it.”

“You had your chance to get it. You ‘forgot,’ and none of the stores around here have it. That’s why I asked you to look while you were still in the city.”

“I forgot, it was mistake.”

Olivia takes Kalea from him. “Look at her, do you think she cares it was a mistake?” He stares at his daughter’s naked behind and cannot help but wince at the angry red blotches that cover her skin. “She’s been miserable all day, and the one thing that may help her, the one thing that I’ve asked you to do to help her, you forget. It was my fault for thinking you could handle such a simple task. I won’t be making that mistake, again.” 

“If it was that bad, why didn’t you take her to the doctor?”

“I did. He told me to try some more over the counter crap that didn’t work. So I asked Sydney’s mom. She’s been a mentor to me with this whole single mom thing and she’s a nurse. She mentioned something else that could help, but I couldn’t find it anywhere.” 

“You should have called the doctor back. Ask him to prescribe something.”

“I did. He never called me back. I have to find them a new doctor anyway. This guy seems to have too many patients.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t tell me, tell her.”

Olivia disappears into her room and does not reappear until Sydney shows up. She hands Kalea to him then takes Kaleb from Elliot. Sydney wordlessly follows her into the nursery where she closes the door behind them. 

“Trouble in paradise?” Sydney asks.

“You can say that.”

“So, what happened this time? And why would you hand me a naked baby. What if she poops on me or something?”

She gives Kaleb his pacifier then tucks him into bed before taking her daughter. “You’ll live. And it’s the same old shit, different day.”

He hands her the bag with the cream. “They no longer carry the cream my moms mentioned, but she said you should mix these two creams together, and try not to use any wipes. Warm water and a wash cloth with some soap.”

“Thanks. Tell her I said thank you for me.”

“No problem. So what did he do this time?”

“He forgot the cream. Last time he forgot their diapers. He doesn’t even visit them as often as he should, which means I get stuck with paying Rosa for two extra days because I schedule myself to work on his weekends,” her voice cracks.

“Livia…”

“I just… want him to make them a priority in his life. I saw this coming and that’s why I tried so hard to keep him away from them for so long. They will always be second best to his other kids,” she finishes mixing the cream and applies it to the baby’s bottom. She quickly diapers and dresses her before putting her to bed.

“C’mon. You don’t believe that.”

“I do.”

“Well, you don’t know that for sure.”

“Every time he forgets something, it usually has to do with his other family. I just don’t want him to hurt them, you know?”

“Yea I know. I just think that he’s trying. It can’t be easy for him. He’s a cop and he does have another family that relies on him. It can’t be easy for him to balance everything. He’s probably doing the best that he can. Talk to him. Voice your frustrations.”

“You know I’m not a talker.” 

“Well you’re a parent now. Apparently it’s all you guys do so you better get started soon.”

She smiles at him. “Thanks, you know for a guy without any kids you’re pretty good at this.”

“You’re welcome. It’s nothing new. It’s always easier to fix other people’s problems rather than your own. Besides, I’ve been dealing with baby mama drama and baby daddy drama for as long as can remember. Believe me, you’ve got it easy. Now I have to go, I have a date waiting for me in the car.”

“You left your date in the car? Why didn’t you tell me you were on a date?”

“You needed me. Besides, I’m dumping her in the morning. She’s kinda boring.”

Olivia just shakes her head. “What’s her name?”

“Melinda.”

“So why are you waiting until morning?”

“I still wanna hit that. Just because she’s boring doesn’t necessarily mean she’s boring in bed. Can’t judge a book by it’s cover, know what I mean?”

“Remind me to keep you away from my children. Particularly my son. I don’t want him picking up any of your bad habits.”  
They walk out the room and she walks Sydney out of her apartment. Elliot is on her by the time she closes and locks the door.

“What you did wasn’t fair. You didn’t even give me a chance.”

“Elliot, you don’t even know the city that well, and I gave you your chance. You blew it. Remember? You forgot.” She crosses her arms defensively across her chest.

“Yea, I forgot, but I still deserved a ch-”

“You don’t deserve anything. These are your children, for God sakes! How many second chances do you think you have? You need to step it up, Elliot. If you’re going to be here, then be here. No more missing out on weekends, otherwise you’re paying Rosalia for those days. And if you keep this up I will take you back to court and sue you for sole custody and have them revoke your visitation rights. I’m not going to let you hurt them by being in their life only when it’s convenient for you.”

“You know it’s not like that.”

“I don’t care what it’s like! I’m nipping this in the bud now. Talk to Cragen. Switch units if you have to, do something, but don’t think I’m going to be covering for your ass five years from now when you promise to take them to the park and don’t show up for whatever reason.”

“You would turn my kids against me?”

“You’re turning them against yourself. They may be babies right now, and not understand what’s going on, but they will grow up, and I will not make excuses for you. You wanted these weekends, they’re yours. Use them. If you continue skipping them, then I’m going to make sure you don’t have them at all.”

She moves past him and heads to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

*

He heeded Olivia’s warning. He discussed the situation with Cragen and made it clear that he would need those weekends off, or he would have to find a new department that would give him the hours that he needed. He wasn’t going to sacrifice a relationship with his children for a job. He had missed out on a lot with his first four, and he was missing a lot with the last two due to their arrangement. He couldn’t afford to miss anymore. Olivia had since become more understanding and allowed him to stay at her apartment when he came into town. She had even allowed him to bring his kids as well so that they could get to know their younger siblings. Things seemed to be going ok.

He hands Kaley over to Lizzie when he sees Olivia emerge from her room. She’s been quiet all evening, and has been cooped up in her room the entire time. He knows from experience that this is a bad sign when it comes to Olivia. Dickie is fine entertaining Kaleb, and Kalea seems to be content with her sister. He takes this time to have a small conversation with her. 

She pours herself a glass of water and looks up when Elliot enters the kitchen.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing.”

“Then why don’t you come out into the living room and hang out with us.”

“I’m ok, El, ” she takes her glass and tries to move past him, but he blocks her exit.

“C’mon. You’ve been cooped up in that room since we got here.”

“I’m just not comfortable around your kids.”

“Since when?”

“Since everything that’s happened. It’s just…awkward,” she shrugs.

“Yea, but we’re adults, Liv. You can’t avoid them forever.”

“I know, but…just not right now. I’m not in the mood.”

“Ok. Is that all that’s bothering you?”

“No, but I don’t think right now is the time to discuss it.”

“Well, I do. I don’t like it when you keep things from me, it always ends up being blown up out of proportion.”

She sighs and puts her glass down. “Fine. Where’s this month’s child support?”

“I don’t have it this month.”

“Yea, you didn’t have it last month either, or the month before that. We had it arranged so that it wouldn’t be taken directly from your check so that you wouldn’t have to pay the full amount, and it was ok when you would give me one month and not the next, but now you’re not giving me anything!”

“So that’s what this is about? Money? C’mon Liv, I thought I knew you better than that.”

“It isn’t about money. It’s about you being a father and taking care of your children.”

“Kaleb and Lea are not my only children. I needed to get in the money for Kathleen’s tuition last month so she can start classes this month. Dickie needed to pay a registration fee for football and he needed some new equipment so he could start training next week, and I had some personal issues with my finances that I’m still trying to get squared away. Besides, I thought you didn’t even need child support. Isn’t that the reason why you moved out here in the first place?” 

“I’m so fucking sick of this!!! If I ask you to pick up formula or diapers or anything for them, you conveniently forget! You don’t pay child support. You don’t do anything, and your excuse is always that you had to do something for one of your other kids. What about them? Hmm. Put their mother before me, ok. Put your other family before them, and you got another thing coming, because I’m not going to sit back and allow you to treat them as if they are second best!”

“Stop it! Stop yelling at him. My dad is a great father, and he’s doing his best. It’s not all about you and your kids!!! You’re so selfish-”

“Elizabeth, that’s enough!!!” Elliot’s voice booms. “Go back into the living room, I will handle this.”  
Olivia steps past him, and heads into the living room to collect her children, before closing herself off in her bedroom with them. Elliot sighs. This isn’t how he wanted this conversation to go.

“Elizabeth-”

“Dad, I was just trying to defend you It’s so unfair. She moves out here and takes them away from us. We didn’t even get to meet them until they were six months old! The only weekends you have off, you come here to spend time with them. You never did that for us, and she’s taking it for granted. I feel like everything is always about her and the twins. She’s so selfish! She never thinks about us. All of this is affecting our family, too, and she doesn’t even care!!!” Lizzie sniffles and swipes away her tears. “You and mom are fighting again… and I’m scared. I don’t want you guys to break up again and I feel like she’s tearing you guys apart.” 

“That’s not true. Your mom doesn’t like that I’m here for a whole weekend, but if you think about it, I only see these guys two, maybe three, weekends a month. That’s six days Liz. Out of 31. Or 30, depending on the month. Every other day I’m home with you guys.”

“No, you’re at work.”

“Right. Because I have to make money for all your CDs, video games, sports, food, clothes, shelter, water, all those things you like I have to pay for them. But whether you like it or not she is right. I haven’t been giving my fare share of money to help take care of the twins and babies are very expensive. Also every time we come here, we stay for free, and eat for free. Who do you think pays for that? I’ll tell you right now, it’s not cheap.”

Lizzie tries, but cannot hide the guilt from her face. “I know, but can’t she be a bit more understanding?”

“She is. She opens her home to us to help me save money when I come here, and she cuts me slack every now and then with the child support… and I’ve taken advantage of that. You have to remember there are two sides to every story. So the next time you see Olivia, I need you to apologize.”

“Ok,” she concedes solemnly.

He nods then walks down the hall to Olivia’s bedroom. He opens the door to find her watching TV on her bed. Kalea sits in her lap with the remote in her mouth, while Kaleb sits beside her with her cell phone in his. Elliot picks up his son and sits beside her before seating him in his lap. He stares at her and she ignores him and instead pretends that the Target commercial is far more interesting than it is. He takes the remote from Kalea and uses it to turn off the TV before handing it back to her.

“Talk to me Liv,” when she doesn’t answer or look at him he continues. “You’re going to have to talk to me sometime. We’re parents now. Gotta act like adults.”

“I can afford to take care of them, but barely,” she admits softly. “I’m starting to have trouble making ends meet, and I’m blowing through my savings a lot faster than I’d like. I can’t even afford to put money away in their college funds.” she avoids his eyes as she says this to him, and he knows that this isn’t something that is easy for her to admit. Then she meets his eyes again and he can tell her confidence is back. “But if you haven’t noticed, I’m the only one taking care of them. They may not be your only children, but they are your children, too.”

“I’m know, and I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be neglectful. You have to understand that.”

“Sometimes I think you don’t love them like you love your others, and it hurts me. It hurts me to see them rejected.”

“That’s not true. I love them the same way I love all my other kids. Mothers don’t matter.”

“Well, then prove it. I know there’s only so much you can do, and you’re in a difficult situation, but I want you to be the father you would be if we were married.” 

The thought crosses his mind, and immediately he can picture it. Them here living together. Happy and in love. Their kids happy to see him every time he returns from work, kissing Olivia, his wife hello. Eating dinner together, then getting the twins ready for bed. Ending the night by making love. He can see it, and he has to admit that he does like the scenario, but then he remembers that he does have a wife. A wife that is desperately in love with him, and he with her, and pushes those thoughts aside, but not out of mind. “I get it, and I’ll try harder.”

“Thank you, and I’m sorry for all that out there. I’m just a little insecure with all this.”

“Understandably,” he leans over and kisses her forehead lovingly. “Liv, just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you. If you need something from me or of me, don’t hesitate to ask. I’m their father and that makes us family now, and I love you as such.”

She smiles softly. “Can you put them down for me? I’m kind of tired.”

“Alright. Get some rest. I’ll handle them.”

“Thank you.”

*

Weeks later she sits on her couch watching some random TV movie that is on. Elliot comes over, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie in one hand, a spoon in the other, and sits down beside her. 

“Where’d you get that?” she asks.

“The back of your freezer,” he replies, digging the spoon in and lifting a generous amount to his mouth.

“I was saving that.”

“Sure you were,” he replies after swallowing. “This looks like it was sitting in there for only God knows how long.

“And yet, you’re eating it. Let me have some.”

“No. You didn’t want until I got it. You’re worse than Kaleb.”

“And? I was saving it.”

“Well I’m eating it. Besides there’s not that much in here, anyway.”

She reaches over and snatches the ice cream with one hand and his spoon with the other. “Thanks,” she smiles as she digs her spoon into the carton in search of a brownie chunk.

“I thought you said that it was old?”

“I didn’t. You did. I’m the one who put it in there so I know how old it is,” she winks at him.

“Whatever. You can have some, and then I get the rest.”

She chuckles to herself. “Yea, ok.”

“I’m serious, Olivia.”

“Yea, I am too.”

He rolls his eyes at her and turns his attention back to the TV screen. A Pampers commercial comes on and his thoughts immediately drift to the two babies that are sleeping in the next room. The ad shows a newborn and he is reminded of a time in their lives that he will never have memories of. Although he does remember the night he first held them in his arms. Approximately fifteen minutes before she had him dragged out by security. With each of Kathy’s pregnancies he had been there for just about everything. First sonogram, first heartbeat, first kick, sex, or no sex. Twins. First breath, first cries. He missed all of that with Kaley and Kaleb and he realizes then that there will be many more firsts that he will have to miss. He hates this reality, but he knows there is very little he can do to change it.

“Hey Liv.”

“What?”

“When did you know you were having twins?”

She swallows a spoonful of ice cream and looks back in the carton. “The night we got into that argument and went to the hospital. When they did the sonogram to check and make sure everything was ok, they found two heart beats instead of one.”

“Really? You were that far along?”

“They were never positioned right in sonograms. Every time I had one done it would take the doctor forever to find both heart beats. Even when I was delivering. Used to scare the shit out of me.”

“You had C-section right?”

“Yea.”

“Was everything ok?”

“Yea. The plan was to have a vaginal delivery, but Kaley, ever the difficult one, was breach. So they just did a C-section.”

“Who was born first?”

She smiles. “She was. Kaleb was born about a minute after.”

“I wish I could have been there. I would have held your hand…were you alone?”

“No. Casey was there. She brought me to hospital and was there through everything. Cut their cords.”

“You two were close huh? You still talk?”

“Almost everyday.”

Elliot nods and his mind dwells on her previous confession. Cutting the cord. It should have been him. That was an honor that was bestowed upon a father not the mother’s best friend. He looks up when he hears Olivia laugh to herself.

“One of the nurses thought we were a lesbian couple. So we played along just to have something to take my mind off the pain.”

“Sounds like a great experience.”

“It was.”

“Would have been nice if I could have been a part of it too.”

“El…We-I wasn’t in a good place when it came to you.”

“But it wasn’t just about you. Those are my kids. Those are moments I’ll never get back!”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I realize now, the mistakes I made then, but what’s done is done. You can dwell on the past and be angry about it, but it’s not going to fix anything now.”

“I know. Back then, you disappeared for about a week. Where were you?”

“Here, apartment hunting. Making arrangements, buying baby furniture. I was going to move within the month, but then we had that argument, and well, you know the rest.”

“Yea. Sorry about that.”

“What’s done is done, El, and now we all have to live with the consequences of our actions.”

He nods knowing that she is right. They’ve both made mistakes, and now they must deal with the repercussions of those mistakes. He looks at her and sees the woman he once fell in love with. The partner he once considered his blood. He guesses now that they are still partners, just in a different sense, but not like they used to be. Nothing will ever be the same. He’s seen a change in her. Yes, motherhood has changed her. He thinks that it has made her stronger, smarter, more understanding. It’s made her a better woman, but she is jaded. He can see it in the hollow of her eyes. Beneath the surface of her hardened exterior he can see the scars left by those she has loved and lost, his own being the most prominent. He hates that. He hates that he has ruined such a special part of life for her, that has given him the greatest gifts that life can give. He wishes he could mend her broken heart and piece back together the shards that he has broken. He figures he can try, but he doesn’t know if it will ever happen. 

“So umm…When you gave me back my laundry the other day I noticed a couple pieces of clothing that weren’t exactly mine…”

She stares at him skeptically and then dawns on her what he is talking about. “Oh, those must be Sydney’s. You can just put them in my room and I’ll take care of them.”

“K. Didn’t need to know if he wore boxers or briefs, but I guess now I know. Thanks for that,” he says sarcastically.

“You’re welcome, and the real answer to that question is boxer-briefs,” she smiles and winks at him. “He only wears boxers when he’s hanging out around the apartment. Says he likes to let things hang loose.”

“And for that too,” he sighs. The less information he knows about Sydney Harrison the better. “So he hangs around now. Does that mean you two are…”

She merely glares at him. “No. I told you before that I have no intentions of getting into a relationship or falling in love again.”

“Olivia, really? You don’t want something more? Even with him.”

“Elliot, I have two infant children, a full time job that’s very demanding, and you. I don’t have time to deal with the complexities of a relationship. I barely have time to take a shit. And besides, the last time I fell in love it didn’t end too well if you don’t remember.”

“I know but I just don’t understand it. I feel like I may have ruined love for you. That I made you think it was ok to think this way, and be with him the way you are.”

“So that’s what this is? You’re just trying to assuage your guilt? Elliot, what’s done is done. There’s nothing either of us can do to change that. This is who I am now. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but the Olivia you once knew died that weekend. She is no more. This is the new Olivia and this is what I want.” 

“Fine, but why Sydney? Why have you entered into this-this arrangement with him? He’s such an asshole!”

“He’s not an asshole, Elliot, he’s my partner and you know nothing about him.”

Her words sting. 

Partner. 

That was his title.

Was.

“Really? What about how he acted that day at the station?”

“He was just defending me. He didn’t know who you were and he saw you try to grab me. If we were still partners you would have done the same and you know it.”

He knows it, but that doesn’t mean he has to admit it. “Yea and that time he came over here when you were sick. You didn’t see the smirk on his face when he came out of your bedroom after you two had…well you know.”

She grins at him.

What the fuck is she grinning for? He thinks.

“He did that on purpose to get back at you for trying to keep him from seeing me. We joked about it when I went back to work, although I did give him a hard time about it. That wasn’t how I wanted you to find out. I didn’t even want you to find out, now that I think about it. But I wouldn’t dwell on it. He was just trying to get to you. He has a knack for pushing people’s buttons. Very effective in interrogation.”

He knows this. He’s seen it work in person before. She also has a knack for pushing buttons. “Well I don’t care. Still don’t like him.”

“You don’t have to like him. He’s not your partner. You don’t work with him. We’re not dating. He’s not in the kids’ lives. I don’t understand why you’re making this into an issue? It’s just sex. Why does it even matter to you?”

“Because you can do better.”

“Maybe I don’t want to do better. You don’t even know him. He’s a good guy. He’s there when I need him, which is more than I can say for you. He’s a great cop. Amazing with the victims, especially the kids. He always knows how to make them smile, no matter what the situation is. He’s funny and he’s carefree and he’s a good person, but you wouldn’t know any of that because you don’t know him.”

He stares at her and he sees the fire in her eyes as she defends a man she supposedly has no feelings for. “You like him don’t you?”  
“What? No Elliot.”

“Yea, you do,” Elliot smiles teasingly. “Olivia and Sydney sitting in a tree,” he sings.

She picks up a pillow and throws it at him. And smiles to herself. She hates to admit it, but in a way, he’s right. Things with her and Sydney have changed. He’s comfortable now just hanging out with her and the babies in her apartment every now and then. He even plays with them from time to time, when before it seemed that he had made it a point to engage in as little contact with them as he could. He no longer uses his emergency key to sneak into her bedroom and fuck her in the middle of the night. Instead he sneaks in to sleep beside her, and on more than one occasion she has woken up to find herself wrapped in his arms, and it pains her to admit that she likes it when she does. She does have feelings for him, and it scares her because she knows Sydney is the type of guy that will break her heart, and she has no intentions of going through the experience of having her heart broken ever again. She cannot take the pain, and therefore she cannot be with him or anyone else for that matter. She likes what they have, how innocent and care free it is. There is no drama. No hurt feelings. They can fight all day and come back to her apartment and pretend it never happened, and the next day it seems as if it never did. She likes whatever it is they have, and she has no intentions of ever changing it.

He dodges the pillow and watches her as she digs back into the nearly empty ice cream carton, her spoon scraping the bottom. “I just want you to be safe, Liv, and what you’re doing isn’t safe. You know better. Remember, you have kids now. If something happens…if you get sick…they’re the ones left without a mother.”

She stares down at the carton guiltily. She does know better, and it’s why she’s so careful when it comes to Sydney. “We use protection you know.”

“And I have children that prove that condoms aren’t a hundred percent effective.”

She nods. He’s right. She’s known this for sometime now. “I know,” she admits solemnly. She’ll have to figure something out with Sydney. She still doesn’t want a relationship with him, but she’s not quite sure she’s ready to give up whatever it is that they have, but for her children’s sake, she will. She digs back into the carton for what’s left of the ice cream.

“Hey, don’t finish all of it, I still want some!”

Olivia glances down and smiles back up at him. His heart seems to skip a beat. “Well, I’m sorry El, but there’s not much left.”

He uses his own quick reflexes to snatch the carton out of her hand, but hers are quicker and she manages to keep him from grabbing the spoon as well.

“Olivia, give me the spoon,” he says seriously.

“Nope,” she says and her eyes glimmer with mischief the same way their daughter’s does and he suddenly knows where she gets it from.

“Liv,” he says in a tone filled with warning.

She switches the spoon to the hand furthest away from him. “Hand over the ice cream,” she demands.

“Hand over the spoon,” he counters.

He places the ice cream on her coffee table and jumps her, covering her body with his as he reaches for the utensil just centimeters out of his grasp. He tickles her sides and watches as she shrieks and fights and tries to find a way to get away from him. He watches her with amusement and pauses for a moment to swipe away the hair that has slipped from her sloppy pony tail. She stares up at him with eyes full of delight, and his eyes drop to her mouth. He leans forward to place his kiss there, to taste her once again, but she turns at the last second and his kiss lands on her cheek. His lips rest there for just a moment before he pulls away. He moves back to his side of the couch and allows her to sit up and readjust her shirt that rose up in their tussle.

“Umm. I think I’m going to go to bed,” she says thumbing back towards her bedroom and avoiding eye contact with him.

“Ok. Yea.”

“Yea,” she echoes.

“Yea,” he repeats. 

She stands and places the spoon on the table beside the forgotten carton of ice cream. She hurries to her room and almost trips over a stray toy lying on the floor. 

“Goodnight,” she calls.

“Goodnight,” he replies, dumbfounded, as he stares at the ice cream melting in front of him.

What the fuck just happened? 

*

Despite their awkward encounter, things only seemed to get better for their parental relationship. He started giving what he could to help out when he came to visit, and that kept them in good standing. She started joining him on outings when she wasn’t working and they had explored Boston commons, gone to the Museum of Science and the Children’s Museum. Walked through Harvard Square and talked about the possibility of their children attending school there one day. He was enjoying spending time with her and he began to feel old feelings reemerge. Feelings that scared him. Feelings that he wasn’t quite sure what to do with. They had thrown a joint birthday party at her place. Everyone had come to celebrate, but that night, after Kathy and the kids had gone back to the hotel, when it was just him and her, and they had lain their children down to sleep they had shared a moment. Olivia shared with him her feelings of bewilderment and pride. That they were her children, that they were her greatest accomplishment. He shared in her pride, glad that he was apart of all of it. That despite the past couple years, he was still in her life. There was a moment where he wanted to kiss her again, and he thought she wanted to kiss him to, but they both seemed to fight against it and go their separate ways.

The more they get along the closer they seem to get. He sees more of the woman he loved years ago and he feels old emotions stir inside him. He calls her for whatever reason he can think of just to hear her voice. He enjoys their banter and her cynical sarcasm makes him happy. He finds whatever excuse he can to touch her and when she falls asleep on the couch beside him he likes to watch her sleep. Sometimes he will lift her and tuck her into bed, just so that he can feel her tucked against his body. He longs to tangle his fingers in the waves of her long tresses and every time he sees her laugh with one of their children he wants to draw her in for a kiss. Whenever he watches her with his kids he falls in love with her all over again and then he hates himself because he knows none of this is a good thing. He has a wife. He has a family. He can NOT be in love with another woman.  
His phone rings with a Massachusetts number he doesn’t recognize. “Liv?” he answers.

“No, is this Mr. Stabler?”

“This is he. May I ask who’s calling?”

“My name is Dawn, I’m a nurse at Mass General Hospital. There was an incident concerning Olivia Benson.”

His heart begins to race, and he can hear the rhythmic pounding in his ears. “An incident? What kind of incident?”

“She was involved in a shooting and has you down as her next of kin. We need you to come to the hospital right away.”


	10. Don't Leave Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. 2 Chapters to make up for it!

Chapter 10-Don’t Leave Me

“Is she ok?” His voice, his breath, nearly escapes him. “Is she…did she make it?” 

“She’s in surgery right now, but we need you here as soon as possible,” the nurse responds.

“I’m on my way. Call me at this number if anything changes.”

*

He makes the trip in nearly half the time, his siren sounding the entire way. He makes his way onto the surgery floor to find it swarming with cops. He scans the room aimlessly in search of the one that would give him the answers he is looking for. He sees him standing against the wall, head bowed, hands in his pockets. He flies at him before his sense of reason has the chance to convince him otherwise. 

Before it has a chance to tell him that he’s being irrational.

Elliot’s fingers clutch Sydney’s coat and he slams him hard against the wall. “Where were you?! You’re her partner. You were supposed to have her back!” He slams him again. “You’re supposed to protect her!!!”

Sydney’s fist collides with Elliot’s jaw then shoves him off of him. “Get the fuck off me! I wasn’t there! I’ve been in court all morning. Came here as soon I found out.”

Elliot moves to retaliate, but suddenly he is surrounded by cops, and while he too is a cop, he is not one of them. Their loyalty does not belong to him. It belongs to Sydney, and he realizes he’s out of his element here in more ways than one. He’s never been on this side of the doors that separate the OR and the waiting room. He’s never felt this fear grip his heart.

He’s never experienced this feeling of regret. For wrongs he’s never had the chance to make right. For mistakes he’s not sure he’s been forgiven for.

For feelings he’s never admitted, and he realizes that she can’t die. She can’t leave him to raise their children without her. She can’t leave him before he’s had the chance to apologize for breaking her heart and making her give up on love. She can’t leave him before he has the chance to tell her that he’s in love with her.

He’s never considered this. 

He’s never considered the fact that one day he might lose her.

One day she will leave him.

He prays that today is not that day. He’s not ready. He still has so many things to tell her. So many things he wants to experience with her.

He’s not ready.

He feels his wife’s hand on his shoulder. He takes this time to assess the other man’s appearance as he straightens his clothes out. He wears a simple black suit, a white collared shirt underneath with a blue tie. He knows Sydney is a man that likes to dress down. Jeans or slacks and tight ass T-shirts are his thing. He’s never seen him in a suit before. 

“How is she? Any change?” Elliot asks.

“Still in surgery.”

“Do you know what happened?”

“No. The fuck face took out her partner. Sprayed them through the door. They were supposed to be interviewing a potential witness. They had no reason to suspect…They’re interviewing witnesses now to nail down what happened, but word through the grapevine is that he probably used a shotgun.”

“Have the doctors said anything?”

“No. They just told us all to wait here.”

“Where are the twins? Did someone contact the nanny?”

“No, they’re in daycare today. She started sending them 3 days a week so they can socialize with other children.”

“Right. She told me that. I’ll go pick them up.”

“You can’t. They have no idea who you are they won’t let you take them. I’ll pick them up. I scooped them a couple days ago when Liv got caught up in Worcester and couldn’t get back in time.”

“No. I think you’ve done enough.”

“Blame me all you want, but this isn’t my fault. I’ll pick them up and get the nanny to stay with them until you can pick them up yourself.”

“No.” He turns his attention to his wife. “Can you go with him and stay with them at Liv’s place until I get there?”

“Sure, El. Whatever you need. But are you sure you don’t need me here?”

“Yea, I want them to be with family while all this is going on.”

“K. Call me as soon as you hear anything.”

*

He’s been saying silent prayers since they left. For him. For her. For his children. To save her life. To give her another chance at life. To give him another chance to be in her life. They say you shouldn’t take people for granted, because you never know when they might be gone. He knows he took her for granted. He took for granted her kindness and her love for him. He should have talked to her more. Explain things to her better. He shouldn’t have allowed her to leave him like that. He shouldn’t have allowed their relationship to deteriorate the way it did. He should have tried harder. Told her how he felt. Let her know more frequently how much he loved her, even though it was as a friend. 

Or was it?

He knows the fear swirling inside of him isn’t the fear one feels when they are about to lose a friend. It’s the fear one feels when someone is about to lose somebody important. Someone they love. Someone they can’t see their life without. She’s been his life for nearly a decade. She staked out her place in his heart years ago and he knows. That if she leaves him what will be left is a hole no one will be able to fill. He knows it is a hole that will always remain in his heart.

“Mr. Stabler.”

He’s startled out of his reverie and looks up to see an older gentleman dressed in green scrubs. “Yea,” he answers.

“Can we talk in private?”

The color immediately drains from his face and his heart once again begins to race. He gets up and follows the doctor down the hall while the other cops around them look on in anticipation. Elliot sees that he is being lead to a private room and once again he knows. He knows what this means. He’s been there before. He’s lead families to rooms like this before. His heart feels as if it is trying to beat out of his chest and he pauses in the hallway. Dizzy. His breath seems to escape him faster than he can draw it in and he loosens his tie in an effort to aid the process of proper respiration.

“Mr. Stabler?” The doctor questions in concern. 

Elliot’s face has gone pale, and he has lost some of his balance. The realization, the possibility, has left him off kilter. “She’s not,” the emotion is instant. It bubbles up inside of him and threatens to choke him, “She’s not dead is she?” he asks, and he fights like hell to keep the tears that have formed in his eyes from making themselves known, but they fall down his face anyway. He holds his breath as he waits for the answer to his question. A question he can’t believe he’s asking. 

“No,” the doctor answers, “but we still need to talk.”

The doctor’s answer allows him to breathe again, and he seems to find his footing. He follows the doctor past the tiny room to another, and when he looks through the window he sees her. The machines that surround her hiss and beep as they mark her cadence of life.

“Ms. Benson sustained several shot wounds the abdomen. One perforated her liver, another shattering one of her ribs, one more coming close to her heart, but damaging the pericardium instead. It caused the cavity surrounding her heart to fill with blood, and the last collapsing her right lung. It took a lot of work, but we managed to repair most of the damage, but not all of it.”

“She’s going to be ok though, right?” Elliot asks hopefully.

“We’re not exactly sure. Mr.Stabler, when Ms. Benson,”

“Detective, we’re detectives,” Elliot corrects. She would want him to, he thinks. He knows she would. He needs this. He needs some semblance of normalcy right now, of strength, and since she can’t be by his side right now he needs his shield to protect him, and her.

“Excuse me. When Detective Benson was brought in she was clinically dead. When paramedics arrived on the scene she wasn’t breathing. She didn’t have a pulse.”

“What are you saying?” Elliot asks cautiously. He can sense it. He can feel the bad news coming, and he braces himself to hear it.

“We’re not exactly sure how long her brain went without oxygen.” The sob escapes his lips without any warning. “Her EEG shows very limited brain activity. It’s not performing some of the basic activities, such as regulating her breathing, her heart beat. She’s on a bypass machine right now in addition to the respirator, but she can’t stay on it forever. We’re pretty much using those machines to keep her alive. If there is no improvement, Detective Stabler, you may have to make the difficult decision of whether or not you want us to continue maintaining life support.”

Elliot stares through the window at the mother of his children. Nearly lifeless, but still seeming to cling to life. “Can I see her?” he asks.

“Sure. Take as long as you’d like…Umm. The nurses say that her colleagues have been asking questions. Is it ok if I update them on her condition?”

Elliot nods his confirmation. Currently too emotional to speak. It is long after the doctor has disappeared down the hall before he moves. He takes a seat beside her bed, and cautiously pulls her IV’d hand into his. It’s cold. He surrounds it with both of his, giving her his warmth. He wishes he could give her more. His breath, his heart, his life. He should have given it to her long ago, he regrets not doing so when he had the chance. Here in the silence and solace of her hospital room he lets his tears flow. One thing he’s always loved about her, is that he’s never had to hide who he is with her. He’s always been open. Honest. Sometimes too honest, but she always understood. Always seemed to know exactly how he felt, even when he couldn’t find the right words to express himself, she always knew what he meant when he said the wrong ones. Always knew what he was thinking. She was his partner for life. His blood. He pulls her hand to his lips and holds it there. 

“Please,” he begs. “Don’t leave me.”


	11. Phoenix

Chapter 11-Phoenix

It’s been weeks and weeks, and now months, since she was shot. He goes through the motions of his day like nothing has changed. Except when he gets home late at night, his youngest are either tucked in bed beside his wife or asleep in their playpen nearby. He’s thrown himself into his work, unable to face them. Unable to look them in the eye and explain what happened to their mother. Not that they would understand, but still the guilt seems to weigh heavy on him. He needs to keep his mind off what happened and immersing himself into his work seems to have done the trick. He can’t focus on his own demons when he’s worrying about everyone else’s.

He enters his home and finds his wife waiting for him in the living room. He immediately begins to panic. “What’s wrong?”

Kathy smiles softly, “Nothing.” He’s been jumpy lately. Immediately assuming the worse when it comes to his family. “We need to talk.”  
He shakes his head and tries to head up the stairs instead. He can’t. He knows what she wants to talk about. And he refuses- RE-FU-SES -to have this conversation. She knows him well and before he can reach the fourth step, she is pulling him backwards and into the living room.

“Kathy, I don’t want to have this conversation,” he says as a way to end it before it can really begin.

“You need to let her go, it’s been months now. She wouldn’t want this.”

“How would you know what she wants? You barely even knew her!” he snaps.

Kathy’s words are patient and kind. “I don’t. But I know you, and you know her. You’re a mess. The guilt is eating at you because you know. You of all people know that she wouldn’t want this. You know that this is not the way she would want to live her life.”

“I can’t. I can’t tell them to take her off the machines.” 

“Elliot-”

“What the hell am I supposed to tell our kids?!”

For the first time since they’ve been together the term “our kids” does not refer to her own. “One day, when they’re old enough, we’ll explain it to them, and they will understand.”

“Really? You think they’re going to understand why I made the decision to end their mother’s life? Would you understand?”

“Yes! Knowing what I know now, I know that you are not to blame. None of this was your fault and making the decision to grant her peace won’t make you a murderer. You know her better than anyone, do you really think she wants to spend the rest of her life as a vegetable?”

“I don’t know.”

“You do know. And you know that your kids would understand.” Kathy eyes him skeptically. “Unless…is there another reason why you’re having such a hard time letting her go?”

“Kathy…” he says, and there is warning in his tone.

“Are you still in love with her?”

“She was my partner for six years. Do you know what that means?”

“I get that you two were close.”

“We weren’t just close! She was my blood! My blood!!! Do you get what that means? You don’t just let your partner die. You don’t let your blood die. She’s also the mother of my children. You can’t even begin to understand the complexities of our relationship! I can barely understand them. All I know is that I CANNOT let her die. One thing about Olivia that you also don’t know is that she’s a fighter. She doesn’t give up easily and she doesn’t give up without a fight. So I’m not going to give up on her. No matter how much time and money and energy it will take. I. Will. Not. Give. Up. On. Her. If she’s meant to die, then she will let go herself. It’s not my place to make that decision for her.” He stands and heads quickly up the stairs. He’s had enough of this conversation.

*

Elliot sits by her bedside and simply stares at her. He remembers the last time she looked that peaceful. It was during that weekend. He had emerged from his shower to find her spread out in the middle of the bed, her naked body tangled in the bed sheets. A faint, satisfied smile had rested on her lips as she slept peacefully. Today there is no smile. She seems to simply sleep. Resting and restoring energy for later. The machines beside her continue to keep her alive. He stares, and looks for any sign of life. Anything that will tell him that he’s doing is the right thing. That he’s not just keeping her alive for his own selfish reasons. While he can’t bring himself to pull the plug he also can’t seem to justify keeping her alive on the machines for his own selfish reasons. The simple fact is: 

He. 

Can.

Not. 

Let. 

Her. 

Go.

He’s not ready to. He’s not ready to pick out a casket. To order flower arrangements. To find something to burry her in, although he’s pretty sure it would be in her dress blues. He’s not ready to watch them lower her into the ground. To watch them sprinkle dirt over the casket that would hold her lifeless body. He’s not ready to say goodbye, he’s not even sure that he would even know how to. He doesn’t know how to do all the above. Not when he never expected he would have to. 

He always believed that she would be in his life forever and that was solidified when she gave birth to their children. 

He always believed that he would be the first to go. He never expected to find himself in this position. He’s completely unprepared. He doesn’t know what to do.

How do you say goodbye to someone that you love?

How do you accept that they are no more? That they no longer exist? That you will never ever ever see them again?

He doesn’t know. 

He doesn’t know about any of this, but he should. He did it all for his father many years ago, but he was filled with more anger towards the man that helped make his childhood a living hell rather than joyous and full of love. Growing up he always waited for his father to give him some semblance of normalcy. To do something to keep his mother from being so crazy. To NOT PUSH HER BUTTONS and set her off into yet another episode. To save him from the hell he called life. Nowadays he realizes that he is more like him than he would like to be. He’s just as angry. Just as much of an asshole. He hopes that his children forgive him for not being a better parent. That they cry when he’s gone because they loved him, not because they’re relieved that he’s gone.

He doesn’t know how to stop loving her. He doesn’t know how to tell their children about her. He doesn’t know how to forget her. He doesn’t know how to stop seeing her in his dreams. He doesn’t know how to say goodbye.

He doesn’t want to.

He wonders if she’s already gone. If the body that lays before him is simply the shell of the woman he loved and knew so well. A life he still holds dear. The guys have all talked to him. Telling him that he knows her better than anyone else. That it is his decision, but they know her, too. They know just as well that she wouldn’t want this. He knows too, but he also knows that he can’t let her go unless he is absolutely sure she’s gone. He takes her hand in his.

“Liv? You in there?” he asks. Her hands are cold, and he wonders if she knows. If she can feel it. Could she feel his warmth? His love?

He wonders if he’ll ever know.

There is a small blip in one of the machines and, while it’s not enough to cause a reaction from any of her nurses or doctors, it’s enough to give him hope.

He tucks her in and does what he can to make sure she’s warm, then leaves her with a lingering kiss on her lips.

*

Sydney walks into her room and is startled by how frail she looks. How quiet, peaceful. He sits beside her bed and takes her hand in his, so she knows that he’s there.

“So ah, I know you wanted some vacation time, but this is a bit much…yea. Lame, I know. Shut up.” He looks at her and there is no movement. No response. “You probably been wondering where I’ve been. I know that if you could talk right now you’d be chewing my ass out! Rightfully so, I guess. So, where have I been? I’ve been busy. What’s her name? Cindy. She’s got these big brown eyes. Cute little smile. She’s a pretty little girl. They say she’s quite a character. Well, at least she was one. She’s from my old hood. She was walking home one day and some pervert snatched her. Used her. She’s been a mess ever since. She would have liked you. Took me forever to get her to trust me, but I know you wouldn’t have had a problem. Her personality…seems like it would have gone well with yours. Turns out the bastard that took her is some white suburban asshole. He’s been snatching girls for years now. There was just so many. Twelve. All black and Hispanic… He picked them, because he said no one would notice. No one would care about them enough to really look for him. Because they weren’t white. They weren’t special enough for anyone important to really notice. I hate the fact that he was right. Cindy touched my heart. I made this one personal and I wasn’t going to stop until I found him. He was convicted yesterday, but they haven’t sentenced him yet. I was so immersed in this case that I stopped eating, sleeping. Everything was about this case and about this little girl, but really it wasn’t. It was about you. I was trying so hard to ignore what happened and the fact that you’re gone, I ended up doing the opposite. Everyone knew. The Capt. My new partner. My mom. She finally told me to come see you. To talk to you. She has this crazy idea that you’re the one that’s bothering me. That you’re the reason why I can’t sleep. Why I can’t eat. Not Cindy. She knows me too well because…she’s right. I-I miss you. Yea, I’m surprised too. Don’t try to rub it my face. I keep thinking that if I had been there I could have stopped it. You know? I don’t know, but I miss you. How’ve you been? Docs say you’re not doing too well, but they don’t know you like I do. They don’t know that you’re a fighter. That you’re not one to give in. So don’t. Take your time, but don’t give up. Make them put their fancy education, years of Med school, and hundred thousand dollar debt where their mouth is. Just don’t give up. I…think I’m going to go, but I’ll be back. No, I’m not lying. You think you’ll be awake then? Hurry up, too! I know I just told you to take your time, but damn girl, this is one hell of a nap you’ve been taking. People-people need you. The victims need you. Your kids need you. Your shit head baby daddy needs you. Your friends…I need you,” he finishes softly. He sits there and eyes her skeptically. “Do you think maybe…you could wake up for me?” No movement. He takes her hand in his. “Do you think you could at least try before you say no? Huh? C’mon Liv, wake up. Wake up for me.”

He stares at her intently, hoping she can hear him. Hoping that there was some part, deep inside of her that can hear him just a little bit. Some part that’s listening. Her hand twitches in his, shocking him and causing him to jump back a bit, but he doesn’t let go of her hand. 

Then her eyes flutter.

“Liv?” he questions. Her eyes open wide and she stares at him with fear in her eyes and her heart rate increases. “I’m going to go-” Her hand grips two of his fingers with what he knows is all her strength, but it isn’t much. She looks at him trying to convey her thoughts, unable to speak. Her eyes fill with tears and he can read her fear. “It’s ok. I’m just going to get your doctor. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

He pulls her hand off of his fingers and he goes to find someone to help. He doesn’t return.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12- Killing Her Softly

Elliot rushes down the hall, desperate to see her. He finds her sitting up in bed gazing out the window. She turns and smiles up at him. 

“Took you long enough. Only 2hrs. You use the cherry?”

He bypasses her sarcasm and rushes to her side to pull her into his arms. He holds her tight and she lets him. He feels her heart beat against his chest. Hears her breath in his ears as she inhales deeply and exhales slowly. He pulls away to get a good look at her. She’s almost as good as new.

“Howya doin’?’

“Ok. Some muscle weakness, but I guess that’s to be expected after spending four months in a coma. Doc says after some physical therapy I’ll be good to go home, but I’m going to need some more work even after I’m released. Gotta gain back some muscle mass. How’re the twins? Gosh, they must be so big now.” 

“Not that big. They’re still babies.”

“They probably don’t even remember who I am. Are they talking yet? They must be running all over the place now.”

“Yea they are. Kathy can barely keep up with them. They don’t talk too much, though. Small words. Like “milk,” “baba,” “Dadda,” some other stuff I can’t really understand. They have their own language now, so they talk gibberish to each other. Lizzie and Dickie had one too, and they’re starting to repeat everything.” 

Elliot stares and watches as her eyes shimmer with delight. “Do they say Mama?” She asks.

“Not that I’ve heard.”

“I can’t wait to see them.”

“I know, I would have brought them, but I wasn’t sure about your condition. I didn’t want to bring them here if you weren’t ready.”

“You’re right. I don’t want them to see me here like this. I’ll wait until I’m released, but I miss them so much.”

“I understand.”

“So catch me up. Tell me what I’ve missed the last four months.”

*

A week later Elliot pulls into his driveway and turns off his ignition. He hurries around to the other side of the Ford Explorer and opens the door before helping Olivia out. She uses him for support as she slowly, but surely, steps down out of the vehicle. Once she’s out Elliot closes the door behind her. She links arms with him as they carefully walk up to his door. While she’s gained most of her strength back she is still not 100% and relies on him for support.

“Thanks so much for letting me stay here until I’m fully back to normal. I really appreciate it.”

“Are you kidding me? You’re family, Liv. If you need my help you know I’m always here for you.”

“Thanks. Remind me to call Casey once we get in. She made me promise to call her as soon as we entered the state of New York, but clearly I’ve already missed that boat.” 

“It’s Ok. She called when you were sleeping. She should be pulling up here any minute.”

They make their way up the steps and as soon as they reach the door it flies open. Kathy stands in the doorway with Kaleb settled on her hip. Kalea toddles up behind her with a sippy cup held to her lips. Olivia smiles immediately and reaches for her son. Kathy hands him over and Olivia ignores the strain and holds him close. Glad to have him back in her arms after such a long period of time. Kaleb whines and reaches back for Kathy. 

“Mama,” he cries as he reaches for her.

The world freezes.

Everyone stands in a state of shock, except for Kalea who has found something more interesting and runs off to investigate. Olivia is in such a state of shock that when Kaleb stretches out of her arms she does nothing to keep him from falling. Kathy catches him, and he immediately quiets once settled in her arms.

“Olivia,” Elliot says slowly. He knows. He knows exactly what is going through her head. Exactly what she’s thinking and he knows that he needs to squash this fast before it gets out of control. 

He’s too late.

“Why the hell is my son calling her ‘Mama?’” She seethes.

“It’s not what you think. He picked it up from the kids,” Kathy tries to explain.

“Since when do your kids call you Mama?!”

“Olivia,” Elliot tries. “It was just a mistake. He doesn’t know any better.”

“Give me my son!” Olivia demands.

“Olivia, let’s just calm down and talk about this.” Kaleb begins to cry and buries his face in Kathy’s neck. Kaley comes over, intrigued by the loud voices. Dickie and Lizzie also peer down from upstairs and around corners, drawn by Olivia’s tone of voice and volume.

“No. I have nothing to talk about. I’m taking my kids and going back to Boston.”

“No, you’re not. We’re going to sit down and talk about this like adults.”

“Since when have you ever been the one to sit down and talk about anything that upsets you? You’d rather punch lockers or beat up perps than talk. Give me my son!” she says again to Kathy.

“Olivia, I can’t let you leave with them like this,” Elliot intervenes.

Olivia ignores his attempts at negotiating and turns her attention back to Kathy. “I’m going to tell you one more time, to give me my child or else.”

“Or else what?” Kathy shoots back. “You know, you have a lot of nerve. After everything we’ve done-”

“Kathy,” Elliot warns, cutting her off in the process.

“What? You’re brave now just because I can’t physically take you?” Olivia chastises. “Give me my child or I’m having you both arrested for kidnapping.”

“You can’t do that,” Elliot protests.

“If you continue to keep him from me I can and I will. I don’t fuck around when it comes to my kids. You think you would have learned that by now.”

“We try to help you and this is how you repay us,” Kathy asks, astonished by Olivia’s attitude.

“You’re trying to take my children from me! You’re trying to replace me as their mother, and it’s not going to happen. Elliot, make your wife hand over my son or so help me God I’m dialing 911 and having her arrested.” She says and pulls out her cell phone. Her hand trembles as the adrenaline courses through her veins and she stares at him with all seriousness in her eyes. 

“Kathy, give her Kaleb.”

“Elliot, you’re not going to let her-”

“Did you not just hear her?!?! Give her the baby!”

Kathy hands over Kaleb, much to his distaste. He cries and screams and tries desperately to get out of Olivia’s grasp. “Where are their things? I want everything you took from my house.”

“Go get her stuff,” Elliot orders Kathy and she stares at him in disbelief before disappearing to do as she was told. 

Casey hurries up the walkway after seeing some of the commotion from her car. “What’s going on?”

Olivia hands over her son to her. “Take him. We’re leaving.”

Casey takes the screaming child and pulls some maneuvers to juggle him correctly. “Elliot what’s going on?” 

“Don’t ask,” he says as he watches Olivia barely lift Kaley and bring her outside.

Ten minutes later Casey’s car is packed and she speeds off. Elliot watches the car disappear and heads back into the house. He marches upstairs and   
finds his wife sitting dazed on their bed.

“What the hell was that, Kathy?” he asks as he grabs his duffle and begins stuffing it with clothes and toiletries.

“I should be asking you the same thing. How could you take her side over mine?”

“I’m sorry if I want to keep you out of jail and my job and be able to see my kids sometime in the near future. You heard her, she was about to call the cops!”

“She was not about to call the cops. She was bluffing.”

“Believe me, Olivia doesn’t bluff, not when it has to do with those kids.” He heads into the bathroom and she follows behind him. 

“You act like you’re not a cop, too. They wouldn’t arrest you.”

“They wouldn’t have a choice. I would know. I am a cop as you were so kind to point out for me.”

“Well you could have taken her cell phone or something! You just stood there! You didn’t even try to do anything to help.”  
He turns to face her, “And what would you have liked me to do? Tackle her while you grab her cell phone then hog tie her and toss her in the basement?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You could have talked to her.”

He brushes past her and tosses some toiletries into the bag. “I tried. You saw, she wasn’t hearing anything I was trying to say.” 

“Well, you weren’t trying to say much! You could have made her come inside. Sat her down so we could talk about this! Held onto the twins until she calmed down a little.”

“And have her use that against me court? Are you kidding me?! She has sole physical custody!!! Do you know that that means? I only have visitation. If I try to keep them from her she can have me tossed in jail for kidnapping. Her lawyer probably would have made it federal for carrying them across state lines without her permission. The brass would have had my badge and glock by the end of the day and then where would we be? Not to mention I might never see them again,” he says nonsensically as he wanders around the room searching for things he may have missed. “Shit, I should have asked where they were going,” he mumbles to himself as he zips up his bag, turns and races down the steps.

“Elliot!” Kathy calls and follows behind him. “Are you just going to leave like that? We’re not even finished talking about this!”

“I can’t deal with you right now. I need to find her and talk to her and see if we can work some things out.”

“Work things out? Elliot, why don’t you be honest with me about what this really is about?” 

“It’s about my kids, what do you think it’s about?” He turns to look at her and his heart breaks when he sees her eyes filled with tears.

“You’re in love with her.”

“Kathy…” he warns.

“You think I don’t know? See, that was your problem the first time. You thought I was oblivious to everything, and silly me. Taking you back because I thought you had changed. That was my mistake.”

“What are you talking about? I never-”

“You fell in love with her back then, and you’ve fallen in love with her now. I know you, Elliot. Do you think I don’t know that the real reason you’re running over there is to be with her?”

“Kathy I can’t…I can’t have this conversation with you right now.”

“Then when? When will you have time for me. Your wife. The mother of your first four kids.”

“Kathy, if I don’t go now and try to fix this...”

“Stop using them as an excuse.”

“They’re not an excuse, they’re my kids! My kids!!! If you know me so well, then you know what they mean to me. What each and every one of them mean to me. I care about all my kids and if I don’t do something right now I might not get the chance to see them again! God, you have no idea what you’ve done! Things were working out great between us. She was giving me a break on the child support, letting me stay with her when I went to visit so that we, as in you and I, could save some money. Olivia and I were actually getting along. And you have to go and fuck things up! You have no idea how much damage you’ve caused? Do you even get what you’ve fucking done?” Kathy stares at him with tear-filled eyes. The guilt palpable on her face. He shakes his head. “I can’t even look at you right now.”

Tears stream down her face as the door closes behind him, and she realizes that she may have just lost her husband.

*  
Elliot races across town to Casey’s apartment. After several minutes of knocking he knows that his first assumption is right. They have gone back to Boston. He climbs back into his car and makes the long dive to the Bay State. As he drives, he thinks of things to tell her. To ease her pain. To help her understand, He finds that he does not have much to work with. If the same had happened to him, he would be livid. His kids mean the world to him, and having them know him and recognize him as their father is everything to him. It’s why he’s fought so hard for each and every one of them. For them to know him and know how much he loves them. To love him in return. To know he would die for each and every one of them.

He also thinks about his wife’s words and the truth behind them. He is in love with Olivia. She means more to him than just a friend, or partner, or the mother of his children. She’s the woman he is in love with, but he’s also in love with his wife. She has been his constant for more than twenty years. She’s loved him when he truly believed no one else would, and now he’s hurting her. He’s hurting her with his lies and his denials, because he cannot admit to his wife that he’s in love with another woman.

He arrives at her apartment sometime that evening and knocks on her door. She doesn’t answer. He knows she’s being stubborn. She’s angry with him and wants him to go away. Too bad he has other plans. 

“Olivia. I have a key and I’m not afraid to use it!”

She appears moments later with their daughter settled on her hip. “What do you want Elliot?”

Kaley immediately recognizes him and reaches for her father, causing Olivia to strain with the effort to keep her from falling. He helps her out by taking the little girl from her. “Olivia, you know why I’m here.”

“Yea, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Olivia-” he tries but she cuts him off.

“If you’re worried about me changing anything about our custody agreement, don’t. Everything will stay the same. You’re just going to have to find someplace else to stay because I can’t do this with you anymore.”

“Do what?”

She sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. “Never mind. Give me Kalea and you can go.”

“Where’s Casey?”

“She left. She has a big case in court tomorrow and couldn’t stay.”

“Well, then I am. You’re going to need some help. Doctor’s orders.”

“Please, Elliot,” she begs. She closes her eyes for a moment in an effort to keep her tears at bay, but they bleed through anyway. 

His heart aches as he watches the pain on her face. He steps through the door and pulls her against him. “Go get some rest. I’ll take care of the kids, put them to bed.”

“Elliot-”

“You eat yet?” He asks, cutting her off. He knows that she wants him to leave so that she can sit back and lick her wounds in private, but he knows that if he leaves her alone, the damage will be irreparable, and he has no intentions of allowing that to happen. She shakes her head no, and he nods, walking her in the direction of her bedroom. “Go relax. I’ll go get us some food then put the twins to bed. Go on.” 

She decides not to fight him. She’s too tired and too weak to argue with him now. She simply goes to her bedroom and closes the door behind her.

*

Elliot finishes pulling out the sofa bed and sits to take a chance to relax. The twins have both been fed, bathed, and put to bed. Olivia still hasn’t come out of her room. He had brought her dinner to her over an hour ago, but hasn’t heard from her since. His phone buzzes in his pocket for what feels like the millionth time, and he decides to answer it.

“Yea, Kath.” He answers knowingly.

“Elliot! Where have you been? I’ve been calling you all evening! I was beginning to worry.”

“I’m at Olivia’s, you know that.”

She is quiet for a moment. “Well, did you get there ok?”

“Yea.”

“When are you coming home?”

“I’m staying here for the rest of the week, I need to help Liv, with the twins. She’s not going to get any better if she keeps on straining herself to take care of them.”

“Ok,” she replies back, and he knows she is anything but ok. “Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do to help?” she asks.

“I think you’ve done enough.”

There is a long pause before she speaks again, and he can hear the hitch in her voice when she says, “El, are we ok?”

“I don’t know, Kathy. Liv’s very upset, and I’m not too happy either.”

“Elliot, I never meant for all this to happen. It was an accident. They picked it up from the kids.”

“Then why didn’t you correct them? When did this even start happening?”

“About a month ago.” 

“So why didn’t you correct them?”

“I thought-I figured what’s the point. You know?” Her voice cracks. “I thought she was going to die,” she sobs, “and then it would just be us. You know? I didn’t see what the harm would be if they called me Mama. I figured they were going to be my kids anyway, you know?”

“The harm is they’re not your kids, Kathy. Whether Olivia is around or not, you are not their mother.”

“So you’re taking her side on this.”

“I’m not taking sides, Kath. You were wrong and we both know it. What happened to her today was my worst fear come to life before my very eyes. Now I get why she’s fought so hard to keep me out of their lives. It was about you as much as it was about me, and all she was trying to do was to keep you from replacing her yet again. Do you understand the damage you have done? How hard it is going to be for me to see them now. How hard it’s going to be for our relationship? For our kids? For Kaleb and Kalea? You’re sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and hoping that I’ll forgive you and you’re not even thinking about everyone else that you’ve affected. Did you ever take a second to consider how she feels right now?” 

“Yes! Of course I did, and I know, El. I know I was wrong, but… I need you to forgive me. I made a mistake, but do you know how hard this is for me. How hard it’s been. I mean, what if I had gotten pregnant with another man’s baby? How would you have taken it? How would you deal? You disappear every other weekend and every time I see you pull out of our driveway, I wonder if this is the weekend that you’ll give in to your feelings and get back with her. I’ve been walking on eggshells and living in fear for over a year now, and I’m sorry El, but I don’t know if I can do it anymore.” 

Silence. He takes a deep breath and lets out a long sigh. “I don’t really know what to say to you right now.”

He listens to her cry and he realizes that he is the root of everyone’s turmoil. His actions. His feelings. His decisions.

Him.

“El,” she says softly.

“Yea, Kath?”

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Just…don’t,” she sighs.

And to him that can mean a thousand things, and he’s pretty sure she means every one of them.

“I love you,” she whispers softly.

“I love you, too. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight Kathy.” He hangs up the phone and falls back against the pillows.

Fuck.

He hears her pad lightly into the kitchen and waits for her to return. She exits the kitchen and is startled to find him staring at her. “Thanks for the dinner,” she says solemnly, avoiding eye contact.

“You’re welcome. Was the food ok?”

“Yea, that was good Mexican. Where did you find it?”

“Google. Some restaurant called Borders.” 

She nods. “The kids go down for bed all right?”

“Yea.”

She nods again. “K. Goodnight.”

“Olivia,” he says and she knows. She can tell from the sound of his voice that he wants to talk about it, and she’s not. Ready. Her emotions are too raw, and her thoughts are too irrational. She’s not ready to have this conversation. 

“Elliot, I don’t want to talk about this now.”

“Well, we’re going to. You have to know I didn’t know they were calling her mom.” 

“It doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t have happened.”

“You’re right, and it will never happen again. I promise you.”

“You’re damn right it’s not happening again. They’re never going back to that house and she’s not allowed within 10 feet of them.”

“Now, Olivia-”

“What if it was you!? What if you were standing there, dumbfounded that your kids were calling someone else ‘Daddy’?! You think I don’t know? That it’s the real reason why you hate Sydney so much, when all he’s done is try to help me when you weren’t around to do so?”

“I wanted to be around. I still do, but you picked up and moved and-” he sees her primed and ready to fight back, but he stops her before she can say anything. “You know what. Never mind. You’re right. I’d be livid. Olivia, I understand. I-”

“No, you don’t. You don’t understand, because it wasn’t you, and until then you will never understand. You will never know the pain I’m in right now.”

“That’s not true-”

“If you did understand, you wouldn’t be trying to make this ok. They’re my kids. My kids! They’re literally all I have. The only family I know and you let her replace me.”

“I didn-”

“You did. You took them from my home and brought them there and let her replace me as their mother, and what’s so funny,” she laughs to herself. 

“What’s so funny is that I knew this would happen. I knew the second that I gave you the chance to even think about replacing me you would do it, and…you did. I don’t know why I thought better of you. I don’t know why I keep giving you chance after chance when all you do is prove me wrong. Every time. All the horrible things I thought you would never do, never be…you just prove me wrong. And I’m so sick and tired of it. I don’t understand why you don’t want me to be happy. You make me think you’re in love with me, and then you go back to your wife once you realize it makes me happy to be with you. You don’t even have the balls to tell me that you went back to her. I have to walk in on you about to screw her to find out,” she chokes on her tears and takes a deep breath to clear her throat, “to find out you don’t want me anymore. You tarnish the weekend by telling her everything that happened like it meant nothing to you when it meant everything to me! Then I move away to give you what you want and you follow me, claiming you want to be a father to my kids, when the reality is you just want to continue making my life a living hell.”

“Olivia, that’s not true. None of that is true. Those were my kids and they needed a father. If I didn’t fight for them who would?”

“They don’t need you as their father. I love those kids, but God, I hate you so much, right now. And what’s worse. What’s worse about it is that you make me feel like a shit mother because there are days that like today where I regret the fact that I ever met you, that I ever loved you. That I ever slept with you, and I hate myself because I know if none of that never happened then I wouldn’t have had them,” she swipes at her tears. “But if there was a way, that I could go back and never have met you, but still keep them…I would do it in a heartbeat.”

“You don’t mean that, you’re hurt and angry-”

“Why didn’t you just let me die?” she asks, and he has to wonder if she’s being serious. “Did you want me to live just so you could torture me some more?” 

“Olivia. that’s enough,” he growls, his patience wearing thin. “Do you even hear yourself and how ridiculous you sound?”

“Or were you just waiting for the right time?” she continues, ignoring his question. “Huh? Is that it?”

“Enough,” he warns as he moves towards her.

“You were just waiting for the right time to pull the plug so that you could go on playing happy families with my kids.”

“Olivia,” he warns again as he moves even closer.

“But you didn’t want people to see you for the selfish bastard that you really are.”

He grabs her by the upper arms and shakes her hard. “I said enough!” he roars. “You’re so fucked up and cynical and damaged that you can’t even see when someone is there for you. When someone is trying to do good.” 

“You-”

“Don’t. Speak. I agonized for days and weeks over you. Months. Everyone told me you wouldn’t want to live on life support. You wouldn’t want to live your life that way. Having people wipe your ass and feed you a liquid lunch through an IV tube. And I knew more than anyone else how much that was true. So I prayed, and I fasted, and I asked God so many times to give me the strength to let you go. To stop loving you, and you’re so ungrateful that you can’t even see how much I love you. I’m here buying your groceries, picking up your dinner , waiting on you hand and foot. I took a week off without pay to be here for you and you still think that I don’t give a damn about you.”

She shakes off his grasp and stares at him with red rimmed eyes. “Then why is it that all you do is hurt me? If you care for me, so much, and you love me, so much, then why is it that all you seem to do is bring me down?” she asks softly. “You claim I’m damaged and cynical. How the fuck do you think I got this way?!”

“Oh my God how long are you going to blame me for what happened! I’ve apologized a million times-”

“No! You’ve made excuses for it. ‘I’m sorry you got hurt, but I’m not sorry for what I did’ doesn’t really count as an apology in my book. You sit there and act like I’m supposed to forgive you for something you’re not even sorry for!!!” She roars at him, and all he can do is stare at her. She shakes her head. “You should have just let me die when you had the chance. It would have been easier on everyone that way.” 

She leaves him there, stunned. He watches her as she heads back to her room and when the door closes behind her, she finally allows hers tears to fall, and on the other side of the door, he lets his fall too.

* 

He lies awake and thinks about everything that has just happened. All the words that have been exchanged between them. It hurts him, and he feels guilty. It was never his intention to hurt her. It was never his intention to cause her this much pain. He finally understands everything. Throughout this whole ordeal she hasn’t been herself. She’s been selfish, she’s been mean. She’s been irrational and immature, and he can’t blame her for any of it. For every bit he’s fought to be in his children’s lives, she’s fought just as hard to keep him out. Keep him away. So she could have them to herself. So she could hold onto what’s hers, so that he wouldn’t take them away from her. So that she could move onto a life without him, but he has managed to inadvertently and sometimes advertently thwart those plans. He wants to say that it was because of his kids and his need to be a solid father figure in their lives, but he knows otherwise and cannot lie to himself. He can lie to his wife, but he can’t lie to himself. Not when he already knows the truth. He needs her in his life. For the past eight years she has always been his constant, and when others had failed him or left him standing in the cold, she had always been there to comfort him and give him a shoulder to lean on. Even when she would end up being the one left behind. He’s sorry, and he hopes that one day she will understand that while many of his actions may have been selfish or to his own benefit and happiness they were never meant to hurt her. The last thing he would ever want to do is cause her pain. He doesn’t want to be filed away in that box of people that have let her down, and can no longer be trusted, but he knows that’s where she’s placed him. Unless there is somewhere deeper and darker for him to be placed.

He doesn’t want to be there. He doesn’t want to be yet another person she can’t trust. He forgot a long time ago, that she was a victim. He forgot the she was the product of an unspeakable evil, that she was forced to pay for the sins of a father she never knew, tortured for causing her mother a pain she would never understand. She has endured pain and abuse that she will never ever be able to forget, and for all that he has labeled her a victim. She would kill him if he knew he ever thought of her that way, but he still feels that it’s true. He forgot that as strong as she is, as hard as she is perceived on the outside, there’s still a part of her on the inside that is fragile. A part of her that had relied on him for its protection, and he hurt her when he left it defenseless, betrayed her when he shattered it himself. He doesn’t want to be this person. So he has to make amends. Has to let her know how he feels.

He gets up and walks quietly into her bedroom. He closes the door behind him and then lays beside her in bed. He turns her toward him and she stares at him with red, tear filled eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he says simply. “For every ounce of pain I ever caused you. For the actions that caused it. For everything. I’m sorry.”

“Elliot,” she whispers.

“No. You have to understand. I’m not a bad man. I’m not a bad person. My intensions have never been to hurt you, but I admit I’ve been careless when it comes to you, and I have neglected to consider your feelings when making decisions and I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re not a bad man, Elliot. As easy as it would be to believe it, I know you are not a bad man.”

“I love you.”

She closes her eyes, to hold in the pain, but her tears bleed through nonetheless. “Don’t,” her voice cracks, and she covers his lips with her fingertips to keep him from killing her softly with his words. 

He removes her hand and kisses those same fingertips. “I wasn’t lying about what I said out there Liv. Almost losing you for real made me realize how much you mean to me. I can’t remember the last time I was more scared of anything in my life. I love you. Not as my friend or my family, or anything else, just as the woman you are. I love. You. I’m in love with You,” he says and he touches his lips to her mouth.

She sobs out loud and he swallows it. He swallows her sadness and his hands brush away her tears. His tongue delves into the depths of her mouth and he makes love to her. His hands pull away her sheets and removes her tank top. His lips kiss her face, her cheeks, her neck, her collar bone, her mouth. He moves down and takes a beaded nipple into his mouth and she moans above him. He kisses her heart and feels it beat against his lips. He pulls down her pants, taking her underwear with them. He removes his own clothing then covers her shivering, naked body with the warmth of his own, warming her chilled skin with his love. His mouth never leaves hers as he settles inside her and pushes gently, afraid he may cause her more pain. He falls deep inside her and his brain is flooded with the memories of that weekend. Her arms surround him and he makes love to her tenderly and full of passion. He tangles his hands in the long soft curls of her hair. He feels his heart race against hers and her body clenches him as he thrusts deep into her soul. She holds onto him so tight and moans softly into his mouth. She comes softly around him, but her body grips him so tight and he spills himself deep inside her. 

He pulls her close to him and rolls them so that her head rests against his chest. As his heart rate evens out and he drifts off to sleep, she lies awake and wonders, what that the hell has she just done?


	13. Everything She Ever Wanted

Chapter 13-Everything She Ever Wanted

She has everything she’s ever wanted. 

They’ve spent the last few days together as a family. They’ve gone on a duck tour and walked through the Boston Commons. They’ve gone to the Children’s Museum again and watched their children’s faces light up with glee. Today they went to the Aquarium and she enjoyed the amazed looks on her children’s faces as they gazed at the fish. Laughed when they squealed from touching the sea critters in the touch tank. That evening, he helped her cook dinner and they all sat down together around the table to eat as a family. Him feeding Kaleb while she handled Kalea. She’s enjoyed his company and his help when it comes to the twins and it makes them feel all the more like a real family. Tonight is different, though. He had planned ahead and they had fed the children before enjoying a romantic dinner for themselves. Just the two of them. Like she’s wanted for so long, and thought she’d never have.

She has everything she’s ever wanted. 

He makes love to her whenever they have a moment to be alone and it’s like he’s making up for lost time, and she loves it. She loves the feeling of having him move inside her. She loves the way he touches her, kisses her, caresses her. She loves having him wrapped around her, feeling his warmth surround her. She’s waited so long to have it all, and finally by some stroke of luck the dealer of fate has granted her him, and now she has it all.

She has everything she’s ever wanted, but she’s still not happy.

She doesn’t understand why it’s not enough. She wanted a baby, she has two. She wanted a man that would love her. He’s sleeping in her bed. She wanted a family. She gazes down at her sleeping children and realizes she has it, but she’s still not entirely happy. She figures it may be the guilt of having taken another woman’s husband. The worry of not knowing what’s to come. They still haven’t discussed anything. She doesn’t know if he will leave his wife or if they will carry on an affair where she and her children will be his not so secret family in another state. She doesn’t know, but she decides that for now, she’ll push those feelings aside. She’ll worry about them later and enjoy her time with him now.

She doesn’t understand what she’s feeling, and what’s worse is, since she and Elliot started up again, she hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Sydney. She doesn’t know why. He obviously doesn’t give two shits about her because she hasn’t heard from him since he promised not to leave her in the hospital and then left to get a doctor and never returned. She’s angry with him. Disgusted. He was supposed to be her partner. Fuck being her lover. He was her partner. He was supposed to be there. Have her back. But his absence doesn’t seem to make her angry, it only makes her heart grow fonder. She still thinks of things to tell him. Feels the urge to call him for no reason. She still reminisces about good times she’s had with him. Her body still craves him. Not that she doesn’t love making love to Elliot. But there is something about Sydney’s touch, Sydney’s kiss, Sydney’s caress. Something about the way he fills her. Something about the way he moves inside her. Something about the way he makes her come every time and how it’s different every time. Something that isn’t Elliot, but that she still loves. 

Something about Sydney. 

She misses him.

She feels Elliot come up behind her and presses his erection against her. “What are you doing?” he grumbles into her ear.

“Just watching them. They’re so peaceful when they sleep,” she replies as she leans back into his warmth and his arms circle around her and hold her tighter.

“Yea. We should be taking advantage of that,” he whispers in her ear then trails kisses down the side of her neck. His fingers dip into her panties and he strokes her lightly.

“Elliot!” she chastises. “Not in front of the kids!”

“What? They’re sleeping. They don’t know anything.”

“Still.”

“Well, then come back to bed.”

“In a minute.”

“K,” he agrees and turns to head back to her bedroom. He pauses at the door and watches her gaze down at their son. “You can pick him up you know.”

“I know,” she replies, but her gaze never wavers. Her body never moves. 

“How long are you going to avoid him, Liv?”

“What?”

“Since I’ve been here I haven’t seen you kiss him, hold him, pick him up, feed him, change his diaper. Not once. Since you handed him over to Casey, I haven’t seen you touch him once.”

“That’s not true!”

“It is true and you know it. I bet Casey was the one who brought him up here and put him to bed.” 

“I had Kaley. I couldn’t carry them both.”

“He’s your son, Olivia. Your son. He doesn’t know what he did was wrong. He doesn’t understand.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She glances at her children one last time then heads out the room, bypassing Elliot without a second thought. 

“You coming or not?” she asks once she’s reached her bedroom door. He sighs and follows behind her.

*

Olivia awakens from her afternoon nap to the cries of one of her children. It doesn’t take her long to realize that it is coming from Kaleb. 

“Elliot,” she calls. There is no answer. “Elliot,” she tries again. “Can you get Kaleb?” No answer. 

Reluctantly she gets up and heads into the nursery. Kaleb stands in his crib, holding onto the rails. Kalea is nowhere to be found. He looks at her with sad tear filled blue eyes and reaches towards her. She hesitates before she picks him up and settles him easily on her hip. “Where’s your daddy?” she asks as she heads down the hallway. She searches and finds the living room empty along with the kitchen and dining area. “Guess it’s just you and me.”

Kaleb simply stares at her.

*

Kaleb sits in Olivia’s lap staring intently at the book she is trying to read to him. He flips the page ahead of her once again and points to the picture of a mouse and a cookie.

“Lebby!” Olivia laughs and chastises. “How do you expect me to read if you keep flipping the pages?”

“Cook!” he exclaims, and points, making Olivia smile. 

“Yea baby. Cookie.”

“Yum!” he says and rubs his tummy.

Olivia laughs and takes in the way her baby’s blue eyes sparkle with delight and her heart melts. “Yea baby. Can Mommy have a hug?” she asks. Kaleb turns in her arms and wraps his arms around her neck. She holds him close and inhales the sweet scent of the Johnson & Johnson’s baby shampoo in his hair. “I love you forever, forever and always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be,” she whispers, changing the words of her favorite bedtime story to match her own feelings. 

The door clicks and Kaleb runs over to see who it is. Elliot returns home and sets Kaley on the ground, who rushes to meet her twin half way. They both say something in gibberish before returning to the blanket Olivia has spread out and proceed to play with their toys. 

“Hey,” Elliot calls into the home as he walks further in. 

Olivia merely glares at him.

“Cute stunt you pulled, Elliot.”

“What stunt? You two were sleeping so I decided to take Lea for a walk in that park down the street.”

“Sure. Who are you expecting to believe that line of crap? Because it couldn’t possibly be me.”

“Ok. You got me, but Liv, something had to be done. How long were you expecting to ignore him?”

“I wasn’t ignoring him, Elliot! This is hard for me. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and was trying to figure out a way to fix things. By myself! I just needed some time. I don’t like being forced into things and you know that.”

“I know, but I couldn’t just sit back and let that continue.”

“Whatever, Elliot. Just don’t pull that shit again.”

“Language Liv, they’re starting to repeat things a lot more.”

“Is there somewhere else you can be right now?” She helps Kaleb with a toy, pointing to the proper holes for him to place shaped blocks in.

“I was just trying to help Liv. I know if I was in your situation I would be doing everything in my power to make sure he knew I was his father.”

“Elliot, please shut up.” Kalea picks up a book and brings it over to Olivia. Olivia immediately flips it to her daughter’s favorite page. “How big is Kaley?” she asks. Kaley raises her arms with Olivia. “So big!!!” she says with a plastered smile on her face. Kaleb comes over and Olivia turns her attention to him. “How big is Lebby?” He too raises his arms along with Olivia. “So big!!!” she says and laughs when he does. “Yay!!!” she exclaims and claps. The twins clap with her.

“Well it worked didn’t it? I’m just trying to say that I understand what you are going through and I was just trying to help.”

“No, you were trying to control me. You don’t understand what I’m going through, because your son didn’t call my boyfriend ‘Daddy’” She does the entire exchange with them again before they each find something else to hold their attention.

“Kathy is my wife, and she was just trying to help, Liv. I’m not saying what she did was right, but she said it was an accident. She never meant for them to call her that. They just picked it up from the kids. But look at it this way. You were gone, and she stepped up to the plate to be there for them. When you were gone she changed their diapers, read them stories, dried their tears. I mean, if, God forbid, something were to happen to you, isn’t that what you would want for them? A mother. Someone to love them and be there for them when you couldn’t?”

“No! Is that what you would want?”

“Yea, I’d want-”

“Bullshit,” she says, cutting him off. “You would want them to know that you were their father no matter what. Dead or alive, and you know it.”

He stares at her because he knows she’s right. He stares at his children and knows that he doesn’t ever want to be replaced in any of their lives. Dead or alive. “You’re right. But I’d still want someone to be there to teach my son how to play ball or to scare away my daughter’s boyfriends if I couldn’t be there to do it myself. Teach Kaleb how to be a man, and how to treat a woman right. Make sure the man Kalea marries will take care of her the way she should be. Look out for them the way a father should.”

“And what I would want is for someone to at least wait until I’m 6 feet under or hell, until my body is cold and rigor mortis has set in before they tried to program my children to refer to them in a way that they don’t deserve, and what I want right now is for you to get the fuck out my apartment.”

“Fuk,” Kaleb repeates.

“Fuk,” Kalea echoes, and laughs.

“Told you so,” Elliot admonishes.

Olivia rolls her eyes. “I’m serious Elliot, I want you to go now.”

“Olivia?” Elliot questions. “Are you kidding me? We’ve been doing fine this whole time and now you want to throw me out because you can’t handle the truth?!”

“No. You just made me realize that I have a lot to figure out and I can’t do that with you here. Forcing me into doing things and talking me into things that you would want instead of what I would want.”

“You mean what’s right?”

“Yea Elliot. What you believe is right. I want some alone time with my kids. So I need you to go.”

“I’m not leaving. Not like this.”

She sighs and climbs to her feet. She heads over to where he is leaning on the arm of her couch and stands in front of him. “I’m fine El. I can handle the kids on my own and you need to get back home to your wife.”

There it is. The elephant in the room that they had been avoiding since they started sleeping together. “Liv?”

“How long did you think this would last? You have a whole other life to get back to. A life that doesn’t necessarily include us.”

“That’s not true.”

She caresses the gentle stubble that has grown across the lower half of his face. “I just want a little time to make sure this is what I want. That it’s worth the risk.”

“Why do I have to leave for you to do that?”

“Because I want to make this decision myself. With no influence from you. If I recall, it was your smart talking that weekend that got us all into the situation we are in now.”

“So none of it was your fault?”

“Elliot, you have the girl you’re in love with tell you everything you want to hear and let me know how well you do resisting her.” He looks away from her and down at their children playing on the floor. She uses finger to turn his head back to facing her. “If we’re going to carry on an affair, I need to get used to the fact that you’re not always going to be around, and I need to make sure this is something I really want. If I really want to be that woman. I don’t want to have any regrets this time.”

“Then don’t.”

“It’s not that simple and you know it.”

She lays butterfly kisses along his jawline and as soon as her kiss touches the corner of his mouth he pulls her closer and lays one on her. His tongue probes her mouth and her arms come up to circle around his neck. She moans when he finally decides to pull away.

“You’re an evil, evil man. Trying to use sex to change my mind?” 

She grins at him and he wonders how he ever thought it was a good idea to let her go.

“Did it work?”

“If you mean am I all hot and bothered now, then yes, it did work. But, I still need you to go.”

“I will on one condition.” 

“What?”

“You consider coming back to New York.”

“I’ll call Cragen tomorrow. See what my options are,” she whispers before heading back to his mouth for more. She knows it’s a lie. She likes Boston. She likes her life here. If she were back in New York she would never have any peace while trying to protect her children and hide her newfound relationship with Elliot from everyone. His kids, their friends, His wife. No, if they are going to do this she’s going to have to stay in Boston, but agreeing with him now is the only way to get him to leave. 

“Kiss!” Kaley exclaims.

“Kiss Kiss!” Kaleb echoes. 

The two part and laugh as they admire their children.

*

Olivia groans into the darkness and draws her nails down his back as he pulls back and then slams inside of her once again. She chastises herself inwardly because she promised herself that she wouldn’t do this. She told herself a million times that she would NOT let him back into her bed. Not after everything that has happen between them. Not until she figures out what the hell she wants. But he had showed up at her door and smiled. Said something charming. She wasn’t having any of it, but then he touched her and his touch seared her skin. He pulled her up against the hard muscles of his body and she melted into him. He kissed her and she felt her knees weaken. He caressed her, and she spread her legs for him. 

Though she finds it hard to regret when he seems to be on his A game tonight. But something is different. He’s unusually attentive; paying close attention to every moan and groan. He’s kissed her from head to toe. Given her the best oral any woman could ever ask for. She wishes she knew he had such skills before so that she could have taken advantage of them earlier. His lips tug on her nipple and then he surprises her by throwing both legs over his shoulders. His body pounds into hers and she comes hard around him, but that doesn’t seem to deter him as he continues to thrust inside her. She feels the beginnings of another orgasm stir deep inside her when her phone starts to ring. She reaches for her cell phone.

“Hold on, let me get this,” she pants.

“Uh uh. Not tonight.”

“But the Cap-”

He cuts her off by capturing her lips with his then brushes the cell phone out of her hand and links his fingers with hers. She squeezes his hand back. Her cell phone falls to the floor with a thud and is now forgotten. He brings her legs down and spreads them wide on the bed allowing him to move inside her without any hindrance. This time he pushes deliberately slow, allowing her to feel every ridge of his member. Olivia’s fists tighten in her sheets and her toes curl as he picks up the pace. He’s about to come. She can tell by the insistence in his thrusts and the low growls that rumbles out from deep inside his throat. 

He lays on top of her covering her with his warmth, “I’m gonna come,” he breathes into her ear. “Are you close?”

“Yea, just…Mmm…just give me a sec. I’m close. So close,” she mumbles holding him tight against her.

She moves a hand down to rub over her clitoris, but his hand intercepts hers and he pins it above her head along with the other one. He shifts subtly and the tip of his penis brushes over her G-spot over and over and over again until...

“Sydney!!!!” she calls out as she explodes.

He captures the rest of her screams in his mouth as he releases inside her. She feels his warmth spread through her and she curses herself once again for forgetting to use a condom. Not that she had one to offer him anyway. He releases her lips and she curses herself inwardly again as she waits for him to dress and leave her bedroom. You shouldn’t have done this, she tells herself as she pulls her sheets around her to warm her cooling skin. Fuck. She’s going to have to get up and change her wet sheets and she can already feel the soreness between her legs set in- Like she needed that- This is going to suck. She remembers her discarded cell phone and picks up her iPhone off the floor and is confused when she doesn’t see any missed calls. She looks at the top of her recent list and sees an incoming call at 10:42PM. 

Elliot. 

She selects it and confirms her worst fears. 

Call duration: 18 seconds.

“Fuck,” she curses and drops the phone again to cover her face with both of her hands. How is she going to explain this? This couldn’t get any worse. 

“What’s wrong?”

She was wrong. He’s still here. 

“What are you still doing here?” she asks.

“I wanted to spend some time with you. Talk a bit.”

“Talk?” she looks at him as if he’s just lost his mind.

“Yea, I haven’t seen you in awhile.”

“And whose fault is that? You promise not to leave me then you disappear and I don’t see you again until tonight. I don’t even know why I let you in. Fuck!” she says, chastising herself again.

“I’m sorry.”

She turns to stare at him, because she thinks she just heard him apologize and she can’t remember the last time she heard him apologize, or if he ever has. “What?”

He props his head up on his hand and stares at her seriously. “I said I’m sorry,” at her quizzical look he continues. “You…scare me Olivia. When you were in the hospital everyone at the precinct visited you. I’m sure Elliot was there every chance he had. I… I couldn’t face you because I thought that what happened to you was my fault. I’m your partner. It should have been me on that slab instead of Jeffries.”

“That’s not-”

“Lemme finish,” he cuts her off. She props her head up as well and stares at him intently. “The one time I visited you. The one time. I asked you to wake up and you did. Just like that. I felt like it meant something and that scared the shit out of me so I stayed away. I finally got the guts up to come see you and I heard you with him.”

Olivia’s eyes slide shut in embarrassment and a rosy blush creeps up her neck. She’s going to have to find a place with thicker walls if she doesn’t plan on scarring her children for life. 

“I was angry.”

“You have no right. We were-”

“I know. We were never exclusive so I don’t really have a right to be upset, but I was. I was-I was jealous. Olivia, you know me. You know I don’t get jealous. You know I don’t do feelings or relationships or love, because the truth is I’m afraid of getting hurt. But you…make me feel things that I don’t want to feel. And do things that I would never consider doing for anyone else but you. You make me want to do feelings and love. You make me want to take that risk of getting hurt and I’m not quite sure how to handle that, but what I do know is that I don’t want to share you. I haven’t slept with or dated a single woman since you got shot, because that’s how wrapped up in you I’ve been. I want to make things official between us and see where this goes. I want you to give me a chance. I can’t promise you I’ll be the best boyfriend because I don’t know how to be. I can’t promise I’ll always be caring or attentive because that’s just not who I am. But what I can promise you is that I’ll try. I’ll to do right by you. I’ll try to be caring and attentive. I’ll try to be a good boyfriend. I’ll try to be good with your kids. I’ll try to be a man worth being with you. So what do you say?”

She stares at him intently and tries to figure out if this is some kind of sick joke. She must have fallen out of an episode of the Twilight Zone, because This Is Not Funny. When he continues to stare at her intently, his heart so clearly sparkling in his eyes the word tumbles out of her mouth seemingly without her knowledge.

“Ok.”

*

The banging on the door interrupts their family dinner of Indian takeout and she doesn’t have to answer it to know who is on the other side. She glances apologetically at Sydney as he scoops a spoonful of Basamati rice mixed with Tikka Marsala sauce into Kalea’s mouth. Kalea chews and claps in delight.

“It’s ok. Go. I can handle this.”

“Are you sure?”

“Stop stalling and talk to him. You’re going to have to sometime.”

She sighs, knowing he’s right. She stands and he takes her seat between the twins and begins to take over her task of feeding Kaleb while she goes to answer the door. She smiles when she hears him make choo choo train noises and laughs along with her daughter.

He’s worth it she tells herself.

She opens it to find him angrily pacing the floor like a caged animal. “What the hell Olivia!!!” he flies at her.

“Please keep it down, Elliot. I don’t want all my neighbors to know my business.”

“Then get an apartment with thicker walls! I’d be surprised if they don’t already know your whole life story.”

“Why are you here, Elliot?”

“You know why I’m here. Olivia, how could you? Him? Him? He’s treated you like shit the whole time I’ve known him. He’d come and fuck you when he couldn’t find anyone else to screw, and-and you’d just let him. He’s never wanted anything from you other than sex. Is that the kind of man you want to be with? The type of man you want our kids to be raised around? I don’t. I mean, where was he when you were in the hospital? When you came home? Where the fuck has he been? Screwing other women? You deserve better. You deserve... you deserve…”

“You?” she supplies.

“Yes! I can take care of you better than him. I can treat you better than him. I-”

“You’re taken El, and…I don’t want to be the secret family you have in another state.”

“Is that what this is about?” He pauses and quickly tries to think of a solution to this predicament. “Olivia…I love her.”

“I know.”

“I can’t leave her.”

“I know that too. He can give me everything you can’t.” 

“Like what?”

“Stability.”

“I can give you that!”

“How? Elliot, you live in another state. You have a wife. A family. A life that shouldn’t include me. At least…not in the way you want it to. This is what’s best for everyone.”

“What about the twins. They’re my kids, Liv. My babies,” he says as he fights back tears.

“I know, and this won’t change that,” she replies as she fights her own. She doesn’t want to hurt him like this, but it has to be done.

“Have you given any thought to how this is going to affect them?”

“Have you? Even if they understand it, how are they going to explain our relationship to other people?”

“We can tell them-”

“I won’t lie to them, El. They’re going to grow up and they’re going to know. I don’t want to put them in the awkward situation of having to explain our relationship to other people.”

“Isn’t it awkward either way?”

“Yea, but at least this way we’re not living a lie. At least this way they won’t one day realize that I’m just the other woman.”

“Olivia,” he tries, but she shakes her head in protest.

“I don’t want them to one day think that I’m some home-wrecking whore. That I sat around and allowed myself to be the piece you had on the side. You chastise Sydney, but how are you any better when you have a wife waiting for you at home? I want better than that. I deserve better than that, and Sydney can give me that.” She watches as tears fill his eyes and he tries desperately to blink them away. She continues to keep hers in check as well. “They’re young, El. They’re not going to know the difference. This is what’s best for everyone.”

“So what? You’re going to marry him now?”

“No. We’re going to take it one day at a time,” she shrugs. “See where it goes.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

“Don’t do this.”

“I have to. I have to be strong enough for both of us and do what you’re not able to do. It’s Ok El. Everything will be fine.”

“No,” he shakes his head. “It will never be the same. Is this… Is this because of what I did to you after that weekend? Are you trying to get some kind of revenge?”

That weekend. Those three little days. They will always come back to haunt them. 

“No El, I’m doing this for me. For once it’s not about you. It’s about me.”

“Well, what about our kids? Did you ever think about them?”

“Of course I did! Elliot, this can’t work. One day people will find out. They will lose respect for you. For me. Your other kids will hate you. Everyone will look at our kids as the product of some- some- some unspeakable sin! They’ll be blamed. Looked down upon. They will bear the shame of our actions. Our sin. I can’t do that to them, El. I can’t.”

He nods, knowing that she’s right. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. This is the bed he made and now he has to lay in it.

“Are they up?”

“Yea, you wanna come in?”

“No. I just want to say goodbye.” 

“El, it’s not goodbye. You’re still their father. You will always be in their lives.”

“Oh, I know that,” he says with assurance. “I’m not going to let anything interfere with our relationship.

She nods. “It’s late, you should stay the night. You can sleep on the pullout and leave in the morning.”

“No. If this is how it’s going to be, then I need to start getting used to it now. Can you just bring ‘em out?” 

“Sure. Syd?” she calls back into the apartment. 

“He’s here?”

“Yea, El. We were having dinner when you came.”

“Oh, sorry to interrupt.”

Sydney comes around the corner, a twin dangling from each arm. He puts them down and they rush towards their father. “Dadda!” they squeal and Elliot bends to receive them both. He hugs them and allows a single tear to slide into Kalea’s soft brown hair.

“Pway! Pway Dadda,” Kaleb says and tugs on his hand to pull him inside the apartment.

“Daddy can’t play now, Champ. I gotta go bye bye.”

“No. No bye bye,” Kaley protests and Elliot blinks away tears. He doesn’t want his children to see him cry.

“Yes, bye bye,” he gets out, though his voice wavers.

Sydney stands behind Olivia with a hand resting lightly against her waist. They both watch the interaction between father and children with a small pang of sadness.

Elliot hugs and kisses his children goodbye before standing. 

“No!” Kaley cries.

“No bye bye!”Kaleb cries as well.

Olivia takes Kalea and Sydney takes Kaleb. Both kick and scream and cry, breaking out into a fit.

“You guys have a good night,” he says as his goodbye before heading on his way. The cries of his children berate his ears as they express their sadness at the departure of their father. He knows he’ll hear their cries echo in his dreams for a long time to come.

Olivia closes the door and leans against it as she lets her own tears fall. 

“You know it’s not too late.”

“Not too late for what?”

“To stop him. To get him back.”

“I don’t want him.”

“Olivia, I don’t want you to settle for me because you can’t have him. I won’t be your default man.” 

“You’re not second best if that’s what you’re thinking. This is what’s best me, for my kids, for us. You’re who I want to be with and it’s not because it looks better than being with him. I don’t feel the same way about him as I do about you, I just can’t tell him that. I don’t like hurting him. Or seeing them upset,” she gestures to her crying children.

“So you want to be with me?”

“Yes.”

“Then why didn’t you tell him that? Why didn’t you say how you feel?”

“Because I know what it’s like to be in his position. Telling him that I’d rather be with you is like pouring salt in his wounds. At least making this a logical matter will make it hurt a little less.”

“Giving him false hope will make it hurt more later. He probably still thinks you’re in love with him and that you’re just doing what’s best for now. That you will come back to him later.”

“And if that helps him sleep tonight, then that’s what I want him to believe. But what I want you to know is that I want you. I want to be with you, not because it’s what’s technically right, or because it looks better, but because of how I feel about you. I want to be with you.”

“Damn girl. I didn’t need all that, but I mean if you insist. I know it’s hard for you to resist all this sexual chocolate.”

“You’re so stupid,” she laughs.

“You know you like it.” 

He smiles and steps towards her, comforts her with an awkward hug with the crying children, and seals their new arrangement with a kiss.


	14. Whole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. Thank you for reading and giving me kudos. I really appreciate it. =)

Chapter 14-Whole 

Olivia stares out the window as they pass by what were once familiar surroundings. So much has changed since she’s last seen these houses, trees, and flowers. The sun is bright on this hot summer day and she wishes she could enjoy it, wishes she can ignore the anxiety growing in her heart as they near their final destination. She wishes she could avoid this day altogether, but she has to face it. It’s the final step to being able to move on. To becoming whole. Elliot shattered everything she once believed in and held sacred what seems like forever ago, she’s never been the same since.

She’s brought back to reality by Sydney’s firm hand on her thigh. “You ready?” he asks.

“Yea,” she smiles.

They both exit their black Expedition on their respective sides then proceed to remove the children from the back. Sydney unbuckles Kaleb and then Kalea while she slings the diaper bag over her shoulder and then removes their six week old son, Sydney Josiah Harrison III. He stares at her with his grandfather’s green eyes and she smiles down at him as her heart fills with warmth and love at this new little miracle that has entered into their life. 

After only six weeks of being a newfound couple she had found herself pregnant, and she had been scared shitless to admit it to him. How could she not be? Sydney, self proclaimed and certified bachelor, a man that did not do relationships, had just recently agreed to enter into a relationship with her and her two one-year-old children. Then, after agreeing to take things as slow as you can take them with a woman with two children she had wound up pregnant with his baby. When she told him he had been silent. For a long time he said nothing, and she was afraid that he would leave her, and she would be alone. Again. He had surprised her when nearly an hour later he had held his hand out to her and told her he would be there for her.

And be there he was. 

He had waited on her hand and foot throughout the duration of her pregnancy and even after Josiah was born. He had wrangled the two terrors that had jumped the gun on entering the terrible twos. While she had sat up in bed with swollen ankles, eating potato chips and ice cream, he had wrestled with them through dinner, bath time, and then bed time night after night. He had never said a word, never uttered a complaint. He had been there for her and took care of her in a way she always wished someone, not just a man, would. She finally understood the meaning of being treated like a queen, and even though he never outright voiced it to her, she knew she was his.

Sydney carries a sleepy Kaley while Kaleb walks beside him with his little hand held firmly in Sydney’s. They walk up the path way to the backyard of the Stabler’s home and it is Kaleb who spots him first. He pulls his hand from Sydney’s and races forward to meet his father. Kalea spots him as well and leans to be let down. Sydney places her down, and holds on until she has firmly gotten her balance before letting go. She races over to Elliot as well. Elliot lifts them both in each arm and kisses them hello.

“Happy Fourth! I was beginning to think you guys weren’t going to make it,” Elliot says to the couple.

“You try getting a set of two-year-olds and an infant ready and out the house in a timely manner.” 

“Don’t remind me.” He walks over to her and kisses her cheek, careful not jostle the sleeping baby that rests in his mother’s arms with either of the toddlers he holds in his. “You look good,” he compliments as he admires her in her summertime attire. Never once has in seen her in something so casual and freeing. She wears a white, loose-fitting, off the shoulder top with a pair of dark washed blue jean shorts and a pair of gold flip flops.

She raises her sunglasses off her head so he can see her better. “Thank you,” she smiles, and he knows he’s never seen her so happy.

“The guys are in the back there. Want me to show you?” 

“No. We can find them.”

For the first time since they have arrived Elliot acknowledges Sydney’s presence. He stands about a foot away from her in dark sunglasses, a short-sleeved white button-down shirt, some blue, white, and black plaid shorts and solid white sneakers. His shirt pulls tight across his broad chest and he leaves the first few buttons open, exposing the upper part of his bare chest. “Hey, I’d come over and greet you better, but my hands are kind of full right now.”

“No problem,” Sydney nods. 

“We’re going to go say hi to the guys,” Olivia tells Elliot. “You going to be ok with them?”

“Yea. I’m sure once their sisters get wind of the fact that they’re here I wont see them again for the rest of the party.”

“Ok. Let me know if you need anything.” She turns her attention to Sydney, “Let’s go. There’s some people I want you to meet,” she takes Sydney’s hand and pulls him along with her to meet the detectives from her old unit.

Casey is the first to see them. “Baby!” she exclaims as she heads over to them. She hugs Olivia, and is careful not to disturb Josiah from his slumber. “C’mon, let me hold my godson?” 

“Who told you you were godmother?” Sydney teases. “I’m sorry, but you are gonna have ta’ apply like everyone else. I’m going to need a full resume, Social security, and you’re going to have ta’ pass a CORI inspection and a background check.”

“And you’re going to have to kiss my ass,” Casey smiles sweetly.

“C’mere Casey, I’ve missed you. Olivia’s not as fun to fight with.” They share a quick hug, before Olivia carefully transfers the baby into Casey’s arms. Casey swoons over the newborn, and Olivia knows that, just like her, at first sight she is completely in love with the tiny babe that she holds in her arms.

“Casey!!!” Fin calls. “Stop hogging the baby and bring him over here so the rest of us can see him!”

They all head over to the rest of the group and Olivia leans into Sydney and watches on with pride as they all admire her son. 

“Where are the other two rugrats?” Fin asks.

“With their father somewhere around here.”

“Come here baby girl, long time no see.” She hugs him along with everyone else. 

“Guys, I want you all to meet my boyfriend, Sydney.”

“Are you sure the correct term isn’t baby-Daddy?” John teases. 

“You must be Munch.” Sydney grins and shakes hands with the older man. He greets the rest of the crew as well. It’s some kind of miracle they’re all there.

“Liv, you never told me you were into brothas! I could have hooked you up a long time ago,” Fin exclaims.

“I know, I could have hooked you up with one of my in-laws,” Melinda chimes in.

“Well, none of you ever asked.” She laughs.

They take turns holding the baby, while everyone catches up and Olivia finally gets a chance to really talk with Cragen. He had been there for her when she needed him the most. She will never forget his kindness.

“Baby, I see a hoop and a ball…” Sydney says to her.

Olivia shakes her head at his love of basketball. “Go.”

“You sure?”

“Yea.”

“You going to be ok? Want me to get you something to eat or drink before I go?”

“No, I’m ok. Go. Have fun.”

“Ok.” He kisses her chastely on the lips before heading towards the makeshift court.

“Hey, wait up, I’ll join you,” Fin calls. “Show you how we do it in New York.”

“Please, you can’t handle this!” Sydney teases back.

“I think I’ll join them.” John says.

“John I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Cragen warns.

“Yea John, your scrawny ass might break something.” Fin teases.

“We’re surrounded by nothing but cops, fire fighters, paramedics, and doctors. I’ll be ok. Right Mel? You’ll take care of me.” 

“It’s my day off John. You’re on your own.”

“What happened to the Hippocratic Oath?”

“It took a day off too. Besides, I only treat the dead.”

“And on that note,” John turns and jogs to catch up with the other men. 

*

Olivia watches as Sydney checks the ball with one of the kids on the basketball court, it’s his ball and once he gets the ball back he quickly crosses the kid in front of him and drives it to the hoop. 

“Syd!!!” a tiny voice calls and Sydney immediately changes direction and heads toward Kaleb, who calls from the sidelines. Sydney hands him the ball then quickly lifts him and brings him over to the hoop. He holds him up high and Kaleb deposits the ball into the basket. He grabs onto the rim and Sydney lets him go so he can swing for a few moments. When Kaleb refuses to let go, Sydney tickles him and the little boy lets go as he squirms and laughs in delight.

“Nice shot Lil Man! High five” Sydney says and holds up his hand. Kaleb gives him a high five before Sydney sets him down and he runs over to Kathleen, who scoops him up and settles him easily on her hip before she heads off in search of her other sister.

“Syd!!!” Olivia calls. She watches in amusement as Sydney steals the ball from one kid, fakes out another, and drives the ball into the hoop for a slam dunk. The kids that surround him groan. Somehow the game that started out between the three guys, eventually included all of the guys from the 1-6, including a late coming Haung, has now turned into a one on fifteen. Sydney against some of the kids that have shown up.

“Give me five guys,” Sydney tells them. “I need a break.”

“C’mon. I was just about to school you,” Dickie calls to his retreating back. 

“We’ll see what else you got in five,” Sydney calls back. 

Olivia admires the way his sculpted body glistens in the hot New York sun.

“Hey,” he pants.

“Thought you could use some sustenance,” she says as she hands him a chilled water bottle.

“Thanks.” He takes the water bottle from her and takes several large gulps. She offers a cheese burger on a plate, but he merely picks up the burger and takes a large bite.

“Where’s the baby?” he asks, his mouth still full of food.

“Last I saw Melinda was threatening Fin to hold him. I think she has him now. At least if he knows what’s good for him she does.”

“And Thing One? Thing Two was just here.”

“I saw. Kalea’s with Kathy. I just checked and made sure they had eaten something.”

He nods and takes another large bite. “How are you doing?”

“I’m ok.”

“You sure?”

“Yea.”

“You sure?” he asks more insistently.

“Yes,” she replies with a genuine smile and lifts her shades up so he can the sincerity in her eyes.

“Ok. But whenever you feel that you’re ready to go just let me know. We’ll be out of here in five. You don’t have to do this.”

She glances across the yard at her children playing with their sisters and knows she has to do this. For them. This is their family and as awkward as it may be for her to be there surrounded by Elliot and Kathy’s friends and family. Friends and family that she does not share with them yet, she knows that she must do this, because they are friends and family her children now share with the rest of the Stabler clan and being with them makes her children happy, and her children’s happiness and well being will always come first. She wants them to grow up living a life where their parents can stand to be in the same room with each other. She doesn’t want them to ever have to choose between spending the Holidays with her or with Elliot. She wants it to be whose house are they going to this year. She does not want them to ever sense the tension that now exists between them all. She does not want them to feel that their being born was ever a bad thing. She does not want them to ever know of the drama and harsh felt emotions that exist between them now. She only wants them to feel wanted, welcomed, and loved. She wants them all to be a family. They will never be a family in the traditional sense. Too much has happened and not happened for that to ever be, but they are still family nonetheless. 

But she never says any of this to Sydney. She simply replies, “Yes, I do.”

Sydney sees everything she’s been thinking with a simple look in her eyes. “Aww. You’re so cute. Give Daddy a hug.”

“Ew no! You’re all sweaty and gross. And would it kill you to put your clothes back on? This is supposed to be a family event.”

“But it’s hot, Baby!”

“Whatever. You’re worse than the twins. That’s why I packed an extra set of clothes for you and them. Make sure you get changed and cleaned up, and make sure Thing 1&2 do too.”

“Sure thing Mama. Ima play a little bit more first.”

“Ok, and go easier on the kids,”

“Babe, I was. Next thing I know they’re up by like ten. Had to even the score somehow.”

“I’ll see you around.”

She kisses him quickly, then turns around to find someone to talk to. As she walks across the yard, Melinda meets her with a fussy baby in her arms. “Hey, Liv, I think he’s hungry.”

“Yea, it’s about that time,” she says as she takes him and the burping cloth from Melinda and he immediately begins to root around in search of food. 

“Bring him back when you’re done. I had just gotten Fin to give him up when he started to fuss.”

Olivia laughs. “Sure thing Mel. I’m just going to head inside the house and try to find a spot to nurse him.”

“Alright, I’ll be out here.”

Olivia nods and heads into the house in search of a quiet spot to feed her son. She wanders from room to room and they are all packed and filled with people she doesn’t know. A few she does. The ones she does know send her friendly smiles while the others simply stare at her. Some do nothing to hide their hostility towards her while others whisper amongst each other, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist for her to figure out that they are talking about her. She knows they are judging her. She knows exactly what they are thinking. They think she is a whore. They think she helped Elliot cheat on his wife, or that she couldn’t wait to get her hands on him once he announced his separation and then, when he decided to go back to his true and rightful spouse, she got pregnant as a way to come between them. Like she got herself pregnant. They probably think that Kaleb and Kaley aren’t even his. They probably think that she’s just trying to pass them off as his so that she can keep Elliot in her life. And now she’s walking around with the child of some other poor schmuck who has no idea what he’s gotten himself into. If only they knew how wrong they were on so many different levels.  
She does hate the fact that she did help Elliot cheat on his wife at one point, but she cannot change the past. She cannot change the fact that Elliot is the father of her children and she cannot change the way things worked out between them. She’s not sure she would want to, either. Even though there was a point in her life when she wish she could, but as she holds her son close to her heart she is glad that things did work out the way they did. Otherwise she wouldn’t have a man that loves her, and she wouldn’t have this little blessing that she now holds in her arms. 

Sydney loves her. 

It still makes her smile to herself from time to time. She still can’t believe it sometimes. He had told her the night their son was born. He had placed Josiah in her arms and kissed her forehead, and as she had sat there, mesmerized by the new miracle in her life, he had told her that he loved her. She had torn her eyes away from the sleeping baby in her arms and saw in his how true that statement was and replied back that she felt the same. They shared a kiss and that was that. They were in love.

“You’ve got some nerve.”

Olivia is startled from her thoughts and finds herself face to face with Maura Holt. 

Kathy’s Mother.

Shit.

“How many times did you come to my daughter’s home and sit at her table while you were screwing her husband?”

“Mrs. Holt, I never-”

“You’re a liar. My daughter did nothing but show you kindness. I warned her about you, and she didn’t believe me, but I knew. I knew better. And now you come here with that-that horrible man and those kids trying to pretend like you did nothing wrong, but I know better. I know! Now look at you with that little bastard-”

“If I were you, I’d be careful with what I say,” Olivia seethes, officially pushed too far. Family be damned, she’s not about stand there and let this woman say anything bad about her children. The woman sees the fire shine in Olivia’s eyes and is obviously shaken by it. “My children have nothing to do with you so keep their names, and mine for that matter, out your mouth. We don’t concern you. Kaleb and Kaley are Elliot’s children. He knows that and that’s all that matters. Now if you would excuse me,” Olivia brushes past her and continues on her search.

Maura calls after her. “And how many of those do you plan on having? Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to spread your legs for every man you meet?”

“Mother!!!” Kathy exclaims. “That’s enough!” She walks over to Olivia and stands by her side. “You know nothing about our situation and those are my husbands children, their mother, and brother you are talking about right now. For God’s sake they’re your grandchildren’s siblings. They’re outside, playing with them right now! What you’re doing is not ok!!!”

“You’re going to take her side over your own mother? Especially when I’m trying to defend you.”

“I am when all you’re doing is embarrassing me, and yourself, for that matter by attacking Olivia over something you know nothing about.”

“I taught you better, Katherine. You’re supposed to stand by and protect your family. Family first. Blood is thicker than water, remember?”

“I know, Mom. You always told me to protect my family and that’s what I’m doing.” 

Maura attempts to stare her daughter down, but Kathy never waivers. Maura leaves in huff and Kathy turns her attention to Olivia. “I’m so sorry about that.” 

Olivia shakes her head. “Not a problem. Is there a place where I can feed him in private?” 

“Sure. Follow me,” Olivia walks behind Kathy as she explains. “Elliot had me sectioned off the den, or the ‘Man cave’ as he and Dickie like to call it. It’s where the TV, DVD player, and the kids’ video games and stuff are, so I locked it up before people started to arrive.”

They arrive at a closed sliding door and Kathy pulls a key from a pocket in her summer dress and opens it for her. “Take your time. I’m going to go deal with my mother.”

Olivia nods. “Thanks.”

Kathy leaves and Olivia takes her time getting situated on one of the couches. In no time her son is nursing and she takes a moment to watch him. In the constant chaos that is her life she has come to appreciate these moments. She loves having this time where it is just her and her son. She loves all of her children equally, and she thoroughly enjoys spending quality time with each of them; moments like this are her quality time with him. He’s so new to the world and her and everyone around him that she constantly feels the need to soak him up. To cherish him. To build the same bond she has with her other kids with him. What she loves about him and Kalea and Kaleb is that they challenge her cynical notion of the world. After all the pain she herself has seen and experienced, it’s nice to know that there exists some good in the world. That if something so good and so pure can exist here, it can’t all be bad. She touches his soft cheek with a gentle finger and smiles when he reaches up and grabs it in his tiny fist.

“They’re great at that age.”

Olivia looks up and sees Kathy leaning in the doorway. She steps inside the room and closes the sliding door behind her, and Olivia uses the burping cloth to hide her son and protect her modesty. “Too young to cause much trouble. Too young to talk back. All they do is eat, sleep, and poop. Children don’t seem to get much simpler than that no matter how old they are.

“I know. The twins are so into everything now and so fast you can’t take your eyes off them for a second.”

Kathy nods, knowing exactly what she’s talking about. “I just want to apologize for my mother. She was way out of line.”

“I know Kathy. It’s ok. She was just doing what she thought was right, and was trying to protect her daughter.”

Kathy nods. “Some of it…” she pauses for a moment. “Some of it I can’t really blame her for. Some of it came from me. Things I’ve vented to her about. 

Words that I wished I had said to you a long time ago.”

“Kathy…” Olivia says when she sees the other woman’s eyes shine with tears.

“No, let me finish. My husband is in love with you Olivia,” her voice cracks and her tears spill over her eyelids. “He may be married to me, but I know,” she gasps for breath. “I know his heart is with you.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is!” Kathy insists.

“Kathy…Kathy I can’t help the way Elliot feels about me. I can assure you that I no longer have those feelings for him. I’m in love with Sydney and we’re happy together.”

“But you had to have known…once those kids were born even I knew. I knew he would never be mine. I knew things would never be the same. I can wear his ring on my finger and attach his name to the end of mine, but I knew it would never matter. Things would never be the same as they were before you. He belongs to you now.”

“No, Kathy, he’s married to you. He chose you. He’s yours-”

“But he’s in love with you!”

Olivia knows she cannot lie to this woman’s face. Not when they both know that what she is saying is true. Not when it’s so evident that it’s tearing her apart. “I’m sorry, Kathy. I never wanted any of this to happen. I never wanted it to be this way.”

“Don’t lie to me, Olivia. We both know how you’ve felt about him for years.”

“I was in love with him, yes Kathy. I would have never made love to him otherwise, but after, he chose you. He wanted you. Not me.”

“Yea, until he found out that you were pregnant.”

“And I couldn’t help that, Kathy. I tried to hide it, but I was pregnant with twins. I could only hide it for so long. My plan was to move before he figured anything out, but then he did and I went into pre-term labor, and my doctor advised against the move until they were born. As soon as they were old enough I left. He followed me. He fought me for custody. He fought to be in the kids’ lives. My life. No matter how much I tried to keep him out, he pushed his way back in. I can’t help that Kathy. Elliot’s actions and Elliot’s feelings are that of his own. You can’t blame me for his feelings for me. I pushed him out and he fought his way back in. I moved on, and he fell in love with me anyway. That’s not my fault. It’s not something that I asked for, it’s just something that happened.”

“That’s a cop out and you know it! You could have left him a long time ago! When you first fell in love with him you-”

“You say that like I planned all this! Yes I could have transferred out a long time ago, but he was my partner. He was the only family I had at the time and I didn’t…I couldn’t leave that. I needed that connection, but do you think it was easy? Do you know what it’s like to be in love with someone, knowing that you will never have him, and then when it happens. When you finally have everything you wanted, he changes his mind. Tells you that he loves you, but he’s still in love with his wife. Do you know what that feels like? How much it hurts? For months it felt like he had ripped my heart out. It was hard to get out of bed. Hard to eat. Hard to even breathe! I know you’re hurting now, but don’t think I came out unscathed. It took me a very long time to get to where I am now. This isn’t the ideal situation that I’ve always had in mind.” Kathy looks at her with eyes so full of pain, that Olivia feels like she is staring at a reflection of herself from years ago. “At your wedding…Do you remember what you said to me?”

“No. What?”

“You built his home. Had his kids. Made him who he is today. It’s only fair that you get to be the one that loves him. That’s what you said to me. So love him. Don’t sit there and blame me for why your marriage isn’t what you hoped it would be. Fix it! I can’t be the only one to take the blame, and I can’t fix your marriage for you. Especially when it isn’t mine to fix. I’ve done my part. I moved away and set up my own life without him. A life that didn’t include him. I’ve moved on. Had a baby. I’m happy right now with Sydney and while I feel sorry for you, I won’t sit here and feel guilty about whatever your relationship with Elliot is right now. I won’t regret having my children or sit here wishing that I had done things differently. I can’t change the past, but you can change your future and it’s up to you to do so.” 

Kathy nods, knowing that she’s right. She has to be the one to fix her marriage, and if she can’t, then she will have to let him go. She attempts to swipe away the rest of her tears. “Umm. I-I gotta go back out and check on our guests. Make sure everything’s going ok.”

“Sounds good.” She watches as the other woman attempts to put herself back together, and calls to her before she can step out the door. “Kathy, don’t give up on him. He does love you, and you guys can make this work.”

Kathy nods and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Olivia lets out a sigh of relief once the woman has disappeared and turns her attention back to her son. She feels her pain, she does, because she was in her position not that long ago, but she’s done her part to make Elliot and Kathy’s marriage work. Sure, sleeping with him a year ago probably didn’t help things, but she cannot be the only one to hold all the blame for things that have happened in the past. Josiah has finished eating and Olivia rests him across her lap as she attempts to resituate herself.

There is a knock on the door. “Need some help?” Elliot asks from the doorway.

“Please. Can you just hold him for a minute so I can fix myself back up?”

“Sure.” Elliot walks over and carefully lifts the baby from her lap. He holds him like the expert father of six he is, supporting his head in one hand and his lower body in the other while he takes a moment to really look at him. He’s glimpsed him once or twice since he’s been born, but has never had a chance to really look at him. He remembers hoping that maybe there was a chance that this child was his, but the bronze skin tone and green eyes had immediately crushed those hopes. Now when he looks at him, he can easily see Sydney and knows that he is his son.

“He needs to be burped,” Olivia mumbles as she continues to fumble with her new nursing bra under the cover of the cloth.  
Elliot maneuvers the baby so he is resting against his chest and begins to lightly pat his back. “I heard you ran into Maura.”

“Yea, you never told me how nice she was,” Olivia’s words drip with sarcasm.

“Yea, well, welcome to my world…you ok?”

Olivia looks up at him and smiles genuinely after finally haven gotten her clothes back in place. “Nothing I haven’t handled before.” Elliot nods and begins to rock gently. He stares at her and she eyes him back skeptically. “What? Is there something on my face or something?”

“No. It’s just that…You look good, Liv.”

She shakes her head. “Please. I still have another ten pounds I need to lose.”

“No really, you look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” she smiles.

“I don’t know what it is, but it seems like there’s something different about you.”

“Really?”

“Yea, you seem…happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen you before.”

“I am happy, El.”

“He…He uh, he really makes you that happy?”

“Yea, El. He really makes me that happy. He has his faults, but I love him.” 

“What does that mean? He has his faults?”

She curses herself at the small slip of the tongue. This is Elliot. He knows her. He knows the meaning behind everything she doesn’t say and everything she does. She has to be more careful when talking to him. “It means that he’s human. Just like you,” she answers carefully and it seems to do the trick for now. Elliot nods his agreement, but she knows him. She knows he will sit and dissect every word until he figures out the truth. He will confront her, and she will lie to him until he accepts the fact she will never tell him the truth, and it will simply remain as a secret they both share. She decides to change the subject. “Elliot…Kathy…She said some things.”

Elliot frowns. “Things like what?” 

“She’s not happy.”

“She told you that?” he asks surprised.

“Not in those exact words, but yea. She told me that you’re still in love with me.” Elliot merely looks at her. “I told her that she was crazy. That you can’t possibly be in love with me, because you’re hopelessly in love with her.”

“Olivia, that’s not…that’s not exactly true.” Olivia stares at him and he can see the fear in her eyes. “No, don’t get me wrong. I love my wife, I do. But I-”

Olivia holds a hand up and cuts him off. “Don’t finish that sentence.”

“But-”

“No. No, Elliot. You had your chance. You chose your wife. You made your bed now you have to lay in it. I’ve moved on and I’m happy now. Sydney makes me happy. He’s great with the kids and he loves me, and hell, I love him too. You need to let this go. Whatever we had, you need to let it go. Because we’re done and that’s in the past.”

“I don’t see why-”

“Because you’re married! And I won’t do that to her, Sydney, or our children for that matter. Sydney’s been too good to me.” She shakes her head because he hasn’t always. “Elliot, don’t do that to her. Don’t put her through what you put me through. Right now she’s hurting and upset and she…she deserves better than that. So just…just be good to her.”

Elliot nods, knowing she’s right. Kathy does deserve better from him. She’s been amazing through all of this and incredibly understanding. She does deserver better of him, maybe even better than him. “I will, but that’s not going to change how I feel about you.” The room fills with silence as Olivia tries to avoid eye contact with him. She simply stares at her son. He pulls him away from his chest and glances down and green eyes stare at him. 

“Cute kid you got here,” he says as a way to break the tension and change the subject. He pulls him back to his chest and rubs his back.  
She smiles grateful for the reprieve and takes advantage of it. “What else did you expect?”

“For him to look like me.”

“Not funny,” she chastises.

Josiah hiccups and loud burp emerges from his tiny frame. Along with some spit up. “Whoa. Liv, some help here.”  
She chuckles and stands to help with the clean up. “Sorry about your shirt,” Olivia says as she uses the burping cloth to clean him up.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got more,” he says as he watches her. He takes in her beauty and admires the look of concentration on her face. He loves the smell of her hair and the way it seems to flow perfectly. He loves the fact that she now smells like baby, and he misses the scent of her that he used to know.

He misses her.

He wishes he would have taken advantage of the time he had with her. 

He wishes he didn’t take advantage of her love, because he realizes now that he loves her.

He’s in love with her.

He wishes it was enough to fix everything between them, but he knows too much damage has been done. Too much time has gone by, and too many things have been left unsaid. Too many things were said that should have never been said. Too many too many’s.

But none of this keeps him from loving her.

“You’re probably going to have to change, otherwise you’re going to smell like baby puke for the rest of the day,” she says without looking at him. When he doesn’t reply back she looks up and catches the way he is staring at her. She holds his gaze and sees him glance at her lips.

There’s a knock on the door and a certain voice that seems to break the trance. “I’m not interrupting something, am I?” Sydney asks as he steps inside the den.

“No, Josey spit up on Elliot,” Olivia says as she finishes cleaning him off, and checks her baby to make sure he’s clean.

“Josey? What kind of nickname is that?” Elliot asks.

“I said the same thing,” Sydney agrees as he takes his son from Elliot.

“First Lebby and now Josey? Liv, you suck at picking out nicknames,” Elliot chastises.

“Shut up you two. You guys bicker over everything and this is what you decide to agree on?”

“Gotta start somewhere,” Elliot mumbles.

“You should be glad we agreed on anything,” Sydney chastises. “I actually came to see if you were ok. Everyone’s talking about your fight in the yard.”

Olivia rolls her eyes. “It wasn’t a fight it was…a heated discussion, but I’m fine,” she says and cleans off some of the residual on her son’s mouth.

Sydney brushes away her bangs and looks her deep in the eye. “You sure?”

“Yea, I’m sure,” she says and leans up and brushes her lips softly over his.

“Well, I’m going to go change my shirt and leave you two love birds alone,” Elliot says, having watched the exchange and needing time to handle it on his own.

Once he is gone Sydney turns his attention back to her. “So, did I walk in on something, or do you two always stare at each other like that?”

“It was nothing, Syd. I’ve made it clear that I’m happy with you. I’m happy.”

“Because if-”

“No. No if’s. I’m happy with you. I want to be with you. Elliot’s just going to have to learn how to accept that.”

“Alright. I trust you.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey why don’t we duck out of here and go on a walk. I got his stroller in the back of the Expedition.”

“How about we leave him with Melinda and take that walk with just the two of us. She’s been wanting to hold him, and I promised her I’d bring him back out once I finished feeding him. Besides, it’s been awhile since we’ve had some alone time.”

“Ok. You trust her to take care of him while we’re out?”

“We won’t be gone that long, and besides she’s a mother and a doctor. I don’t think there’s anyone out there more qualified for the job than her.”

“Really? More qualified than the city coroner?

Olivia laughs. “It’s not like she kills them, Syd. They come to her that way. Besides, I’ve seen her in action. She knows her stuff.”

“Alright.”

“And I see you’ve changed your clothes. Did you get the twins set up?”

“Yea, Maureen said she’ll get them changed and cleaned up.”

“Ok. Just let me change his diaper and we’ll go.”

“Can’t wait,” he says and winks at her.

*

The couple returns from their walk hand in hand and full of smiles.

“You two look like you had a good time,” Elliot says as he watches them approach with Kaley secure in his arms.

“Yea, it was nice to have a break from all the kids. Even if it was just for fifteen minutes,” Olivia replies. 

“Yea, we remember those days, especially after the twins were born. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to get away more than at that point.”

Kaleb is settled on Kathy’s hip, and Olivia fights down the wave of panic. Tells herself that she’s being irrational, but she’s sure she will never be ok with Kathy being in her children’s lives, and she’s sure Elliot feels the same about Sydney, but such is their life. 

“We actually have to go.”

“What? But I feel like you guys just got here. We haven’t even started sharing the dessert yet.”

“Yea, I know, but we promised some friends we’d meet them for fireworks.”

“Friends? What friends?” Elliot questions.

“A couple of the neighbors the kids sometimes play with, a few guys from the squad, and some of Sydney’s friends. I know it’s hard to believe El, but we do have a life in Boston.”

It is hard to believe, because it seems like for the first time in a long time Olivia has a life that doesn’t include him. A life he wants so desperately to be a part of, but knows he never will. “I know you have a life,” he answers instead. “Just never known you to be the neighborly type. You never mentioned any neighbors the last time I was there.”

“Well, it’s been awhile since you’ve come to visit us.”

It’s true. He hasn’t been since Josiah was born. He had picked up the twins the day after he arrived, and took them back to New York with him for a week for his last visit and then Elliot had caught an “all-hands-on-deck” case and was not able to make it out for his next visit. Since then they have finally gotten settled in their new Medford home, that is only a few blocks from her old apartment. It comes complete with a backyard and a park nearby that includes a tennis court, basketball court, toddler playground, along with a normal sized one, picnic tables, swing set, and open field. She loves it. Their home is a two floor with a basement and a TV/Game room for Sydney. She wasn’t quite ready to separate them, so the twins still share a room and Josiah has his own. The other bedroom is Elliot’s. She wants him to feel at home when he comes to visit and the attic has been transformed into a guest room for when Elliot brings his kids along. It’s her home. It’s what she’s always wanted and she loves every square foot of it. 

“But anyway, Sydney’s been bugging me about seeing the fireworks in Boston forever. So we made a plan to go.”

“We got the best fireworks in the area,” Sydney chimes in.

“Not better than New York,” Elliot counters.

“Way better than New York. I have an aunt who lives in the city so I’ve seen plenty of New York’s fireworks They don’t even compare,” Sydney says as he heads back to the Expedition.

“Oh God. Liv, if our kids end up Sox fans, we’re going to have some problems.”

“Well, I don’t know El. They already love the Pats, but I guess they’re still young. Never know.”

“True.”

“I’m going to go get little man,” Sydney says as he passes by her with Josiah’s car seat.

“Ok, don’t forget his bag.”

“Got it.”

“Liv, I was wondering if it was possible to get the twins next weekend. It’s my mom’s birthday and we’re all heading to the shore to celebrate with her. You know, light the grill, spend the day on the beach.”

She’s been more lenient with the twins spending time with him in New York now that they’re older and she’s a bit more secure with her position in their lives as their mother. She knows they know that she is Mommy, and Kathy is Kathy. Elliot has also been taking more and more advantage of that leniency, but she has yet to grant him more than a weekend since Josiah was born. “Umm. Ok. When are you going to come get them?”

“Maureen offered to pick them up on Thursday so she’ll probably drive down with Kathleen or take the train or whatever. She hasn’t decided what she’s going to do, but she said she’ll get them on Thursday since we’re all driving over on Friday.”

“Sure. Just call me and let me know the details when you know them.”

“My mom also asked if you’d come as well. Said she wanted to get to know you better since you guys couldn’t talk for too long last time.”

Talk for too long? They had talked for a solid two hours after the twins’ second birthday party while everyone pitched in with clean up and took some time to relax. Don’t get her wrong, she had enjoyed talking to the older woman, especially because up until the day she showed up at her doorstep she had believed the woman to be dead. She loves Elliot’s mother. She is so animated and full of life, but during that conversation it was easy to see why Elliot had kept her a secret for so long.

Olivia glances at Kathy and sees the slightly mortified look on her face and knows what the answer to Elliot’s request needs to be. This was meant to be a family weekend. Just Kathy, Elliot, and the kids, including hers, but not including her. “I’ll have to talk to Sydney, but I think the answer is going to be no. I think Sydney had something planned for that weekend, but give her my number and tell her she can call me anytime.”

“Ok. I’ll do that.”

Sydney returns with Josiah secured in his car seat and the diaper bag slung over his shoulder. “Ready?” he asks.

“Yea,” she reaches for her son, and Kaleb goes willingly into his mother’s arms. “Say bye bye.”

“Bye bye!” he waves then rests his head on his mother’s shoulder. Olivia kisses his head and hugs him close to her

“Bye bye!” Kalea tells Elliot and then reaches for Sydney, surprising her father at her willingness to leave him so easily.

Sydney takes her and kisses her head. “You like her pigtails? Did ‘em myself didn’t I Lee-lee?”

“Yea,” Kalea answers and smiles at him, and the gesture tugs at her father’s heart strings. He knew sharing his baby girl would be hard, but no one said it would be this hard. He’s seen the exchange between them, and knows that he has as close a bond with her as he does with his son. They’re excited to see Sydney whenever he comes home. They even sometimes openly prefer him over their own father. It bothers him, but something about his baby girl loving this man like her father bothers him more than he would like.

“He didn’t,” Elliot says.

“Oh, but he did. He does her hair all the time. And she lets him! I can’t get near her with a brush, but he can do whatever and she won’t make a peep.”

“It’s because I got skills you don’t.”

“Whatever. Get in the car, Mr. Skills.”

He laughs and sticks out his tongue out at her, Kalea mimics the gesture and Olivia does the same back to them. She chuckles and watches as they head back to the car.

“K. Well thanks for having us. We had a good time. Tell everyone we said bye. I’d go over there, but we really need to hit the road if we’re going to make it in time.”

“Alright. See you,” Elliot says and gives her a hug goodbye. He gives Kaleb a kiss goodbye and the sleepy boy lazily waves goodbye. 

“Bye,” Olivia waves at them both and heads over to the car.

Once all the kids are secured in their car seats they pull off and Sydney links fingers with her. She stares out the window and squeezes his hand in hers. It’s been a rough couple of years, and she finds herself in a place that she never thought they would be. She never thought Sydney would be the relationship man, father and stepfather that he is today but she is glad and even more thankful that he is. There was a point when she didn’t think they would make it. Around the sixth month of her pregnancy he had admitted that he had thoughts of being unfaithful. That he had gone on a date with another woman, and while he hadn’t slept with her, He had wanted to.

“How could you?! I’m sitting here pregnant with your child and you do this???” she had screamed at him.

“It’s just been too much. I need…I need to feel like myself again. I need to be free!” he had exclaimed to her.

So she set him free.

It had all gotten to him. Being a stepfather to two. His own on the way. Being in a relationship. Living with a girlfriend. It had all been too much for the long time bachelor turned family man, seemingly over night. He had reverted back to his old ways and hurt her in the process. She had thrown him out that night, and set him free to do as he pleased. She wasn’t going to trap a man and force him into being with her when he didn’t want to be. She just wished that he had realized all this before she had gotten pregnant with his child. She had ignored him for the next three days, until late one night his mother had knocked on her door and dragged him in behind her after Olivia had allowed her in.

His mother.

Joya Harrison, a woman Olivia admires and loves as if she were her own mother. Towards the end of her pregnancy, when she was too big to do very much for herself, let alone chase after and take care of two two-year-olds, she had been there without Olivia having to ask. Cooking and cleaning for her and telling her stories of her animated childhood in her native Jamaica and of Sydney and his siblings. Turned out he was the youngest of three. After his sister LaToya and his brother Eric. She’s met Eric and she likes him. He’s a bank teller and a clown that never ceases to make her laugh. His sister she has yet to meet in person. She’s been touring the world, volunteering for various charitable organizations. She’s due to return by the holidays to start working towards her PH.D in social work. Olivia can’t wait to meet her. They’ve Skyped a couple of times and they seem to get along well. All in all this family has accepted both her and her children into their warmth and love and she couldn’t have asked for anything more. The love she feels from them is the love she’s always dreamed of having, and has wanted her entire life. 

Joya has become something of a mother to her. Teaching her various skills that she hopes to one-day pass on to her own children. They’ve grown particularly close since Josiah was born. She wasn’t sure how she was going to handle two toddlers and an infant, but on Sydney’s first day back at work she had shown up on her door step bright and early that morning, just as she had been doing for nearly a month before, and started making them breakfast. What Olivia loves about her most is that she is there when she needs her, and not when she doesn’t. She isn’t overly intrusive and she seems to ooze love without even trying. Olivia loves how Joya has taken to being a surrogate grandmother to her own children. She does activities with them like making cookies or painting. She takes them with her to church on Saturdays and Olivia has promised that she will join them once Josiah is a little older. She also promised to drag Sydney along with her. At night, after she has tucked the twins in she tells them silly stories about Sydney’s childhood, and Olivia enjoys them as much as her children do, even more so at times.

But on that night that she wishes was forever ago but now as she thinks about it was only few months ago Joya Harrison was not a mother figure to her, she was barely her friend. At that point in their relationship she had only met her a couple times, and while she thought she was a very nice woman, she had no intentions of listening to her make excuses for her son or her begging her to forgive him and take him back. 

She had done neither.

What she had done was surprise her.

She had asked to hear both sides of what happened, which had turned into a screaming match between her and Sydney. It had only ended when their voices had woken Kaleb and Sydney had gone to put him back down. In that time Joya had said something to her that she will never forget.

“I did the best I could do with my son. There are some things a boy must learn from a father, and Sydney never had that chance to learn them. I did my best to make up for that absence, but sometimes a mother’s love and training just isn’t enough. Don’t think I’m taking his side in this. I would have whooped his ass if he hadn’t been punished by you first. There’s something special about you, Olivia. He loves you, and I can honestly say you are the first woman he’s ever loved. He talks about you all the time. He brought you home to meet me, and he’s never brought a girl home before… at least not to meet me. He’s been a great big ball of depression since this has happened, and again I’m not trying to make excuses for him. I’m not even asking you to forgive him, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. But in all my years on this earth I’ve found it’s human nature to want to do the wrong thing first, and the right thing second. At least most of the time it is. I taught him this but he still seems to struggle with temptation, and often goes with his first instinct rather than his second. I’m asking you to work with him. Fix this. Not your relationship, but your friendship. For that baby. So you two can still be good parents.”

They had left shortly after that and her words about human nature seemed to linger with her even to this day. For years she had felt some of her thoughts and actions had been the results of the evil that flowed through her veins, she never thought them to be human nature. Needless to say a week later she had let him back into her home and a month later she had given into her hormones and allowed him back into her bed.  
Another month later that they had moved into their new home and both had agreed to start over anew and put the past behind them.

*

They arrive at their home shortly after 11 that night. Olivia carries Josiah upstairs to his nursery while Sydney carries the twins up to their room and tucks them into their cribs turned toddler beds. She takes her time changing Josiah’s diaper and then putting him in some pajamas. She tucks him into his crib and is admiring him sleeping when Sydney comes up behind her and pulls her into his warm embrace.

“The twins go down ok?” she asks.

“Yea. I just took off their clothes and left them in their onesie things since they were still clean. That ok?”

“Yea,” she says as she thinks back on their night. The twins had loved the fire works. Sydney had held Kaleb on his shoulders while she pointed out the pretty colors and patterns out to Kalea who was nestled on her hip. They had clapped and squealed their delight and it had made Olivia happy to see them happy and enjoying some of life’s simple pleasures.

Today had been a good day.

She feels Sydney draw kisses down her neck and she moans softly in the back of her throat. “Come,” she says taking his hand and pulling him out the room, “not in front of the baby.” 

Out in the hallway he attacks her with fervor, pushing her back against the wall, and she gives just as good as she gets.

“I’ve missed you,” he says and she knows exactly what he means, because she’s missed him too. Her body has craved his kiss and his touch and she longs to have him buried between her legs. 

They haven’t made love since the night Josiah was born because approximately six hours after she had come, Josiah had made his way into the world. He maneuvers them into their bedroom and her shirt is off once they have crossed the threshold of their bedroom, and his shirt follows. Her bra touches the floor at the same time the door closes and once she is on the bed she kicks off her flip flops and he his shoes while his fingers find their way to her wet heat. She moans into his mouth when he touches her. He pulls back away and smiles at her.

“One min,” he says then begins to search through the drawer in the bedside table on his side of the bed.

“Babe, I had the IUD put in last week. We’re good.”

“I know, I just…” he searches some more and returns to her after he’s found his buried treasure. He bends down on one knee and opens the box to reveal a shining asscher cut diamond ring. “Marry me,” he says and she simply stares at him.  
She takes the box from him and stares at the diamond set in yellow gold and surrounded by smaller diamonds. He joins her on the bed and waits in anticipation for her answer. It’s a beautiful, ring, and while she would love to slip it on her finger and give him the answer to his question that he is looking for, she thinks better of it. She closes the box and answers “No,” before holding it out to him.

“No?” he questions and frowns at her. “Olivia, wha-how-why?”

“Because in a couple of months when all this gets “real” again,” she air quotes, “I don’t want you running off to some other woman. Everything is working out right now. We should just keep things the way they are.”

He sighs. “Olivia, I thought you said you were going to let that go and put it behind us.”

“I have let it go. I forgave you for it a long time ago, but I haven’t forgotten. Look, you’re happy, I’m happy, the kids are happy. We’re all happy with what we have now. I just don’t see why we should change that by taking a step that you’re not ready for. Just because we have Josiah doesn’t mean you have to marry me. I like where we are now, and I just think we should keep it this way.”

He sighs. “Olivia, I know I fucked up before, and I understand your hesitancy, but I’m not happy,” her face looks stricken and tears immediately fill her eyes. 

“But I thought…” She can’t keep her lower lip from quivering and tears fall before she can catch them.

“I love you Olivia. I told you a long time ago that I didn’t want to share you, so I figured I should put a ring on it, but…I wasn’t sure if you were over him. I wanted to make sure you were done with that part of your life so that we could make our own. Today…I saw that. I saw you find closure, and I know that you’re ready. I’m ready too. I’m not saying we have to get married tomorrow or a year from now, but I want the world to know you’re taken and that you belong to me and vice versa. I’m not happy with you just being my girlfriend. I want you to be my wife.”

“Does that mean you’re going to wear a ring too? To show that you’re mine.”

“If you want me to I don’t see why not.”

“You know Elliot’s always going to be here in our lives. He’s Kaleb and Kalea’s father. They need him in their lives.”

He smiles at that. “Couple of years ago you would have sworn the opposite,” he says, and she smiles too. It’s funny how things change, because what seems like forever ago she swore to a life without him and now she can’t imagine their lives without him. “I know Elliot’s going to be here, as annoying as he may be sometimes. I know Thing 1&2 need him, and I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that, because I would hate if that were to happen to me and Josey,”she grins at the name choice. “I don’t care who’s a part of our lives as long as we’re together.”

“Then let’s just be together. You don’t have to marry me for that. I know how much commitment scares you, and I really don’t see the need for it.”

“Olivia, I’m not him.”

She looks up at him shocked, because he has hit the nail on the head and they both know it.

“I’m not going to just up and leave you like he did.”

“You already did.”

“I thought about it. But I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t hurt you like that, and just my thinking about it almost cost me you, Josiah, Kaleb, and Kalea.”

She shakes her head and tries to blink away her tears. 

“Yes, commitment scares the shit out of me, but if we didn’t face our fears we wouldn’t have Josiah. I know you’re just as afraid as I am, and rightfully so, but look at Josiah. He’s a product of both of us being brave and giving this relationship a chance.”

Olivia laughs. “He’s the product of us being reckless and forgetting to use protection.”

He smirks. “Worth every minute.” She shoves his chest playfully. “He’s worth it, Olivia. And you’re worth me facing that fear. Because I want you to be mine and I want us to keep facing our fears together. That’s why I got you this ring. To show you that I’m ready to take that step and face that fear, because we wouldn’t have what we have now if we didn’t.”

She thinks about Josiah and how much she loves him. How she wakes up every morning to Kaleb and Kalea poking their fingers in her nose and mouth or trying to climb over her to get into her bed and how soon Josiah will join them. How she can see the excitement in his green eyes when she comes to pick him up each morning. How happy each of her children make her, though they can run her ragged in less than a day. How excited the twins are when Sydney comes home. How they love it when he tosses them in the air and catches them with laughter. How Sydney is the only one that can get Kalea to take her medicine or eat her peas. How she’ll let him play in her hair for hours, but will scream bloody murder if she even dares to go near her with anything that can remotely be construed as hair paraphernalia. How Kaleb loves to follow Sydney from room to room and he never seems to mind. Even waiting for the baby to catch up to his long strides or simply lifting him and carrying him along. How he puts up with Elliot when he comes to visit, though she knows it takes all his strength some days not to completely lose it when he’s around. How cooperative he was when it came to finding the right house that also included a room for Elliot to stay in when he came to visit. How Sydney spends time each morning just holding and rocking Josiah. He tells him stories, and she wakes up every morning to hear them over the baby monitor. She loves how attentive to her needs Sydney is. How he aims to please her in every way. He does his best to give her whatever she wants or needs, and never seems to utter a complaint. She loves how he’s not afraid to fight her for what he wants or argue with her, though he’ll concede defeat if he knows it will make her happy. How he listened to her complain for months about having to ride a desk after returning to work from being shot and then having her ass duty extended once she found out she was pregnant. How he transferred to missing persons so that she could stay where she was most comfortable. How he later supported her decision to finally leave SVU after coming way to close to leaving her children’s lives way too early. And while she’s not sure what unit she’ll go into she knows he will support whatever decision she makes. She loves how he can make her laugh for days, and how happy and carefree he makes her. She loves who she is with him. She loves him, and she wants to see where life with him takes her.

“Ok,” she says.

“So will you marry me?”

“Do you really have to ask?” she ask with laughter.

“Yes, woman! I need a real answer.”

“Then the answer is yes, I will marry you, Sydney.” she smiles as he removes the ring from the box and slides it on her finger.

He kisses her and mumbles against her mouth, “Let’s seal this deal with a little more than a kiss.”

“Let’s,” she moans into his mouth.

So they do.

*

Later that night she hears her phone ring, and she knows exactly who it is. A part of her wants to silence the ringing and turn the phone off all together, but she knows him better than that. He’ll worry, then he’ll call the house phone and Sydney’s cell phone. And when they don’t answer he’ll panic and be here banging on her door by seven.

“It’s three in the morning,” she answers.

“I know, but you never called or anything. I just wanted to make sure you guys got home safely.”

“We did,” she sighs sleepily and untangles some of the sheets to pull them up around her.

“Ok,” he says and he is silent. She knows what he wants to say. She doesn’t want to hear it. Sydney pulls her closer against his naked body and she settles into him. She wants to enjoy this time with him before Josiah wakes up for his 4 AM feeding.

“El-”

“You’re going to marry him aren’t you,” he says and she knows it’s not a question, because they both know the answer and it’s one that one of them doesn’t like. But at this point it’s a fact, a reality that he is going to have to accept.

She stares at the ring on her finger as it shines in the moonlight. “Yea,” she says softly and hates herself deep inside. She doesn’t want to hurt him, and she knows that she is hurting him.

“Olivia d-”

“Elliot, I have to go,” she says quietly. Sydney is awake and hard behind her, and there’s nothing more in the world that she wants to do right now other than make love to him.

She hears him sigh into the phone. “You really love him don’t you?”

“Yes,” she says, and when he doesn’t say anything more she ends their late night conversation. “Goodnight Elliot,” she says then hangs up the phone and places it back on the table. She turns to Sydney and his kiss is already there and waiting for her. He shifts her to her back and before her sleep fogged mind has time to process anything he’s inside her, filling her, making her feel good, loving her, making love to her and in this very moment she finds that her life has come full circle. She is no longer the broken woman Elliot left behind, she’s picked up the pieces and put herself, her life back together. It may have taken her a few years, but here with Sydney, the man she loves, deep inside her she finds that she is finally complete.

She is whole. 

Fin


End file.
